A positive psychologist, Christopher Peterson, became well known for his motto that ‘people matter’. We are social beings and in order to feel psychologically well, we need to experience closeness with other human beings every day. By closeness we do not mean romantic relationships, but a simple knowledge that there is someone out there who cares about us, someone who we can talk to when life proves a struggle, or another soul we can say ‘hello’ to and ask how their day went.
A few years ago I was working with a group of people experiencing depression. One of them was Tom, a 50-something man, who was diagnosed with HIV a few years ago. Ever since his diagnosis, his family turned away from him, he had no friends, no job, and even neighbours didn’t like him. At least this is what he thought.
One day, during a training programme, we discussed the importance of other people in our lives. Having friends in our life helps us experience more laughter, pleasure, and closeness. Research shows that people with strong social support and intimate friendships tend to visit the doctors less.
Moreover, friendship prolongs our lives. Several studies have shown that when we live a lonely life, it takes us longer to recover from surgeries, and we find it more difficult to overcome life challenges. Also, studies found that those who have friends experience the fewest signs of depression and the highest level of happiness. All in all, having people in our lives makes us happier.
‘Making friends is not easy’ said Tom, when I showed him these statistics. It may be true, but it also possible to change. When we are feeling low, we tend to withdraw from people. The more we do it, the more they sense we do not want to keep in touch with them. Some fight back and encourage us to meet with them even more, others just give up. When that happens, not all is lost. If you want to have more closeness with people, think of ways in which YOU can make it happen.
Tom decided he would give it a go. He started off with his neighbours. He was convinced they didn’t like him, because they knew he was HIV-positive. As a result of his belief, he did not say hello to them, as he found no point in being nice to someone who is not nice to him. But the following morning, after our session, he decided to take control of his friendships and say hello to the man he passed by every day when walking his dog. The first time he did it, the man looked back at him in shock and did not say hello back. Tom felt a little rejected, but understood that there were no exchanges of pleasantness between them for years, so his neighbour did not expect it. Tom was not going to give up easily.
The following morning, he saw his neighbour approaching, he looked up and said ‘hello’ again. This time the man muttered ‘hello’ back and kept walking. By the end of the week, the two men managed to stop and chat. Four weeks later, when I spoke to Tom, he told me he made friends with the local grocery store sales assistant, who he now chats every day to. He also rekindled the relationship with his dad, and joined a local social club to meet new friends.
People matter in our lives. Friendships, like flowers, need nutrients to grow. They require care and attention. If they are not cared for, they tend to wither. Consider some of your past friendships that withered away. Think of what you can do today or tomorrow to bring them back to life. Consider what you can do today or tomorrow to make new friends. The key to happiness is in your hands, you just need to use it.
Please note that the name appearing above has been changed, in order to protect client’s identity.
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