As you can see from the title, today’s blog is all about dealing with anxiety in a parental relationship. Of course, I can only talk about it in the perspective of the child having anxiety, but it does not mean it doesn’t happen the other way around. Also, I am aware I am not a parent but when I am writing that section I will write as I experienced with my dad and write what I think is best to do from my perspective.
Everyone has very different relationships with their parents. Some are exceptionally close, and others are not that close, but regardless of that they are your parents and you both love each other endlessly. The type of relationship you have with your parents may reflect on how you deal with your anxiety around them. I know for me personally I have an exceptionally close relationship with my dad, but I was still afraid to talk to him about it. I think that is the common ground we all have – we are afraid to tell them or unsure how to talk to them about it (this is by no fault of the parent). Sometimes it’s just easier to tell your friends things or in the case of anxiety, or any mental health issue, it’s easier to keep it to yourself. But that is definitely not what you should do! It is extremely important to tell your parent(s) what is going on inside your mind. I think telling them is the hardest out of all three relationships I have wrote about, but I think it’s ultimately the most important. Your parents need to know what is going on, so they can help you get through it but also that they can understand what it is like for you. When you are talking to your parent(s) about it, it is essential that you really explain everything, don’t leave anything out because you are afraid to hurt them – what hurts them is seeing you hurting so if they can help, trust me they will do whatever they can.
It is important to not get frustrated when telling them. Mental health can be seen as a very new thing. Not in the sense of it just being magicked up out of nowhere but more in the sense that it is more discussed, and more people are experiencing it in today’s society. So, a lot of people – dare I say it – do not understand nor believe in anxiety. Some parents (and I have witnessed this for myself) do not understand how a young teenager/young adult etc could have anxiety based on their lives. But please do not let this put you off telling them. I can say my dad wasn’t the biggest believer of it in the beginning, but I cannot stress enough how much he has been my rock over the last couple of years doing everything he possibly can to help me through it. So as scary as it is, sit down with your parent(s) explain how you feel, explain what happens and if you know, explain to them how they can help you. I’m not saying you’re going to sit down one night and have the whole conversation discussed, you might need to have multiple conversations about it with them but do it. If they can understand that sometimes you’re not your usual chatty-smiley self, or going certain places makes you incredibly anxious well then that will make the world of difference not just for you but for them as well, because they will understand instead of just thinking you are in a mood or grumpy.
Parents, I think it’s the hardest for you. A parent doesn’t want to see their child hurting or not their usual self. Parents want to protect and help but with something like a mental health illness, it can be hard to know what’s going on. With relationships with friends or boyfriends/girlfriends it is very easy for me to say that you mightn’t even notice it but let’s be honest parents notice a fake smile from a mile off. My biggest advice to parents is to be open. Be ready to listen at any time of day and do not shrug it off. The more open and willing you are to listen to your child the more likely they are to come and talk to you. If they tell you they have anxiety or depression please, and I am actually begging you, please do not say “sure what could be wrong with you? How have you got that?”. Just listen and put your opinion aside. What means nothing to you could have your child crippling over inside. My best example is I used to get really anxious about going up to ring someone’s doorbell, don’t ask me why but I did, to the point I’d nearly have a panic attack over it. To someone else, lets say a parent in this case, that would mean absolutely nothing, but if your child was like me about to have a panic attack over it, would you not be worried? Would you be upset that your child feels like that? I think the answer would be yes. So remember this, forget about what you think is considered to be ‘ok’ to be anxious about and just listen to what your child is saying so you can help them.
Similar to this, society is a lot different today. I’m not saying it wasn’t tough years ago, it was but in a different way I think. For me at 21 years of age I think society is different from when I was even 15/16 and that scares me. It can be horrible out there. There is wayyyy too much social media use. People portraying these beautiful instagram lives that are just not real. But that’s hard to distinguish even at my age. There is pressure on our youth, to look a certain way, to wear certain clothes, to do well in school, to be able to do certain things. It’s overwhelming to be perfectly honest. And I’m sure there are parents reading this saying ‘my kid doesn’t worry about all that’ etc etc. They mightn’t or maybe they are just not expressing that to you. I know for a fact teenagers are two different people – they are the ones you see at home and then different ones when they are with their friends. I know this because I see it enough and I was also a teenager exactly like that. There is a whole new overwhelming pressure on kids today even on simple things like what time they go to bed at. We have to understand this as parents and understand that this can cause anxiety and depression within our youth. It’s not right but unfortunately things aren’t getting any better.
So as a parent it is important to be open, listen, really try and understand what they are saying to you and offer any help you can to them. Sometimes they might come talk to you and other times they won’t but if you do see them having a bad time, do try and talk to them and if they are having none of that, do something nice for them. Make them their favourite dinner, buy them their favourite chocolate bar, leave them a little note or send them a nice text message. I know when my dad knows I’m not good he will send me a little text to see how my day is going and to tell me he loves me and it makes my day. If they are having a panic attack, hold them. Hold them so tightly and tell them it’s ok and how much you love them. Make sure you get them to calm down by breathing slowly, counting out loud or naming somethings they can see around them. Ensure they know afterwards that you will always be there for them and love them so much. Check in with them whenever you are not sure how they are doing. Just be there for them.
Being a child who has anxiety and being a parent who has a child who suffers with anxiety is incredibly hard. It can take a long time to see results and get the openness between the two of you. But push and make it happen because it will be so worth it for both of you. Parents I would suggest to maybe do some research if your child does come to you, so you can get a better in-depth knowledge of it. Likewise, I am always here if a parent has any questions or if a child has any questions. This does not just apply to parents, it applies to aunties, uncles, grandparents, and any guardians.