Part 1: Anxiety and friendships

I have decided that I want to start a three-part series discussing anxiety within three different relationships. These relationships will be friendships, romantic relationships and relationships with parents/kids. I will be breaking each post into two sections – the first section I will discuss what it is like for the person dealing with anxiety within the relationship and the second will be discussing how the other person(s) can help. From research I feel this is not a topic properly written about. Often, it’s written from a person who has just studied mental health or from health services which is great, but their answers are often not sufficient. I have also been told by my own friends and boyfriend that when they first became aware of my anxiety they were afraid, worried and confused about what to do. They each admitted that they spent hours looking on the internet, but nothing seemed to have the answer. I am not saying these posts are going to be the exact answer but maybe it can help someone somewhere understand a bit clearer.

Today’s blog is going to be based on anxiety and friendships. I will start with how it is for the person dealing with the anxiety. Suffering with your mental health is a difficult task to deal with in your own relationship with yourself never mind when you start adding other people into it. It’s difficult to explain to people – you don’t want anxiety/depression to be the first thought new friends have about you and you don’t want to ruin old friendships. Most times people pretend it’s just not there. Anxiety can be difficult to explain because most times people do not understand it. Sometimes I don’t understand it. It is an illness that presents itself in a variety of ways and it has been segmented into so many different categories that often you can be more confused as you are not sure which category you fit into because your symptoms fit into multiple ones. To me anxiety is anxiety there is no different categories, it can just present itself in different ways. And the way it presents itself can change from day to day. You can be quite literally hiding away from the world, shaking at the idea of having to see anyone or you could seem like you have your whole life together, the ultimate perfectionist. I know this because those two examples are both me. It is so hard to explain to someone when you aren’t even sure yourself what the day is going to bring.

Anxiety can really affect your relationships with people. I know for me when I was really down with anxiety and depression I would really push people away. I think this is something a lot of people do because it is your first instinct. You don’t want other people to see you like this, you don’t have answers for them when they ask you what’s wrong, you don’t want to seem weird, you don’t want to be a burden, so the easiest thing to do is push them away. Or sometimes I can lose it with my friends. I don’t mean a full-on shouting match but I just get so annoyed that I’ll say something that I shouldn’t or that hasn’t gone through the filter section of my brain. I think for me they are the two main things I do within my friendships when I am having a bad anxiety day. It’s not easy and I certainly don’t intentionally push them away or lose it but it’s just what happens.

I think from the point of view of being the person suffering it is really important to be open with your friends. It is a really hard thing to do but it will benefit you and them. If they understand that sometimes you have these moments/days/weeks etc of overbearing anxiety then they are aware and can be equipped when it happens. I know my friends in the beginning took it personally when I was pushing them away (naturally without an explanation!) and got a fright when I had an anxiety attack. They didn’t know what to do and more importantly they didn’t know what was happening because I never told them. As I said it’s hard to tell them in the first place, but I promise you if they are good friends they won’t even bat an eyelid, they’ll appreciate you letting them know. And if they react any differently well then, they’ve done you a favour because they aren’t the type of people you need in your life.

Now from the friends’ perspective. Again, it’s hard. You don’t know what’s the right thing to do or say, and sometimes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. But if you’ve read the first part you know it’s hard for them too. Anxiety is such a weighted word nowadays so when your friend tells you about their difficulty with it, it is really important you don’t freak out or step back because that’s the last thing they need. Depending on the person and how they are feeling that day you can ask them a little bit more about it. Ask them what situations make them anxious or how does it usually present itself. This will help you understand what is happening when it does present itself such as when they seem like they are pushing you away. This also shows the person that you care and will give them the reassurance that you are there for them. Reassurance is the biggest thing that will appear in each of these three blogs. Anxiety can make a person feel like they are biggest burden and often put thoughts in their head, i.e. that their friends don’t really like them or that nobody really cares. Therefore, it is important that you tell your friend that you are always there for them and if they want to talk or even sit in silence you are there to do that. I am not implying that you have to say that every day but whenever you see they’re not themselves it can be nice to drop it in a conversation or text. When they are having a bad day, it is important to take it easy with them, offer to go for a hot chocolate/coffee/cup of tea or offer to go over to their house. I find if my friends keeping quizzing me that I get more anxious and annoyed and want to just run away from them. However, if they don’t quiz me I will tell them when I am ready to tell them so keep that in mind. If they are having an anxiety attack it is so important to stay with them. Don’t leave them (especially if you suspect that they are going to have one follow them even if they tell you not to). Try and calm down their breathing, continuously talk to them, get them to count to 5, or look into your eyes or name what’s around them. This will slow the breath down and also start to distract their minds.

One thing I will say to friends and this may be an unpopular opinion but it is very important to understand that your friend suffers with anxiety and it is good for you to be there for them but you should not take on the responsibility of caring for them. A person needs to learn how to deal with their anxiety and you as a good friend can aid them with that but ultimately it is up to them to learn. Do not sacrifice your own mental health due to someone else’s. You need to be there for them, reassure them and help them but you have your life too. The only way you can help someone else is when you’re strong in yourself first.