When it comes to the existence of mobile devices and their prominent role in young people’s lives, one thing that we need to all be aware of is the fact that pornography is now widely available to anyone that may wish to access it. It is important to recognise that sexual images have always been appealing to humankind. It is a totally natural part of being human to enjoy being sexually aroused and the experience of sexual arousal is one that should be enjoyed.
But in terms of mental health, one thing is very clear to me; we need to begin talking about pornography more so that young people can be equipped with knowledge about how to mind themselves in this relatively new online environment where porn is readily available. Many young people are now accessing porn before ever they have the chance to experience a real sexual relationship, meaning many are ‘learning’ about what sex is though the vehicle of online porn, some from a young age.
Porn use, if it becomes excessive, can really compromise a person’s ability to manage intimate sexual bonds. Sexual objectification, the process whereby the person being viewed is becoming almost object-like in the mind of the viewer, can compromise a person’s understanding of consent. Obviously, we don’t need to ask objects for permission to touch them but if someone starts to see someone who sexually arouses them as an object, then in a real-life situation, where real-life sex may take place, the issue of asking for consent becomes complicated.
It is in no way safe to view people as objects and while porn is not real, it can seem real to people who are not having ‘real’ sexual relationships. This can then also lead to unrealistic expectations around what a body is ‘supposed’ to look like. Pubic hair, for example, can be deemed unattractive, just because the majority of porn performers don’t have any and both young boys and young girls can become inhibited and self-loathing of their body’s natural shape.
Just as drinking an alcoholic drink doesn’t mean a person will become addicted to alcohol, the same is true for porn. Viewing porn does not mean porn addiction is inevitable but viewing porn at a young age, particularly in the context of not yet experiencing a close, intimate sexual bond, can and does cause problems. Talking about porn with young people helps a lot when it comes to minimising potential harm. Useful topics for parents to include in conversations about porn with young people are:
- Conversation about how normal and natural it is to have an interest in sex.
- Be upfront and acknowledge that the young person may want to go online to find sexual images or content. Give them warnings/information as to how porn is not based on real life, and that porn addiction can happen and offer to answer any questions they may have.
- Communicate the message that porn is not real and the bodies of the people in the porn videos are not ‘real’ bodies. Explain how viewing the bodies of people in porn can impact negatively on a person’s self image and self esteem and how closely their self-esteem links in with their mental health.
- Be clear that the young person understands that people are not objects and should never be treated as objects.
- Prepare for further conversations on the topic by normalising feelings such as embarrassment or discomfort around the topic and saying that the more you talk together about something, the less uncomfortable it becomes.
Sexual addiction and porn addiction are really difficult conditions to have to deal with. Robert Weiss, the founder of The Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles, describes this cycle of porn addiction as having six stages .It is useful to know these stages so that we are all aware about how porn addiction can take hold.
Stage 1:
Robert calls this initial stage the stage of triggers, where there is a catalyst such as a difficult emotional state (such as boredom/loneliness/ anxiety etc.) that then ‘triggers’ the person to act out sexually.
Stage 2:
Stage two is the sexual fantasy stage and when this stage is entered into, the fantasy takes over and the difficult emotion dissipates.
Stage 3:
This stage is called ritualization when the fantasy moves towards reality, either by turning on the computer/ logging on to a porn site. Robert calls this stage the ‘bubble’ or the ‘trance’ stage as people can get lost in it.
Stage 4:
Most non-porn addicts think this is the ultimate aim of porn-addicts, to actually reach orgasm but reaching orgasm is what throws people back into the real world with all the emotional discomfort once again.
Stage 5:
At this stage, addicts may try to numb themselves from what they have just done. They minimise the behaviour, telling themself that it’s okay, the behaviour is not harming anyone etc.
Stage 6:
Despair can arrive for an addict if they feel powerless to escape the cycle of their behaviour. They may be keeping the behaviour hidden and so it can begin to have a massive impact on their concentration, their relationships and their overall mental health.
When it comes to porn addiction, prevention is better than cure. For young people who are journeying through adolescence, it is worth arming them with the information they need to mind themselves online so that they never have to deal with porn addiction in the first place. Open and honest communication is key so that conversations can also be had about what a healthy and nourishing sex life can be, to balance out the online porn warnings.
Anne McCormack is a Systemic Psychotherapist registered with the Family Therapy Association of Ireland and ICP.
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