Allow me to introduce you to Dave: Now a 50-year-old man, Dave was bullied as a teenager by some bold little bastards who knew no better themselves at the time.
Unfortunately, for Dave, the damage was already done, severe, and long-lasting. With his confidence, worth, and belief destroyed during his formative years, once he graduated to the real world, a desperate pursuit began for love and connection and worth, confidence, belief, and a sense of belonging.
Even more unfortunate, without proper guidance and healthy role models, his pursuit was a blind one. And with an overwhelming fear of social rejection, his stress levels entered the danger zone, and resentment began to build for all he had to endure. But the pot was only warming up, and before long, overwhelming sensations of panic, anxiety, and depression would soon settle in for the long haul.
Dave’s entire existence had become an existential crisis — a crisis of hope, identity, humanity, and above all, a crisis of self.
Not wanting to lose face or be perceived as weak, Dave would spend the next 30 years in a constant battle with his anxiety as he attempted to repress and suppress it in every and any way possible, with deathly consequences.
He simply refused to open up, share, or be vulnerable because big boys don’t cry, and for him to do that would mean the bullies had won.
It was his fight and his fight alone. Never surrender, never lose.
That fight would eventually see him tap out and take his own life as the compounding impact of the pain became unbearable. As far as Dave was concerned, he had fought his best fight and ran out of options. He had suffered enough and could suffer no more.
Globally, men are 1.8 times more likely to die by suicide than women and almost half as likely to get help.
Note: This is not a man are more important than women post. We all suffer and should all get help, however, it appears men are in desperate need of a nudge — to be told you don’t have to contain and bottle this shit up, suffer in silence and fight it alone. Help is available — there’s no shame in it unless dealing with shameful people, and when you begin to relieve yourself of such anguish, not only can you save your life, you can completely transform it for the better.
One such way is through the Art of Surrender:
Meet Robert. Robert also had a shitty time of it, and similar to Dave, when thrust into the real world, the overwhelm was too much and panic attacked.
Robert was taught from a young age that asking for help was a sign of strength, not weakness — a virtue, not a sin, and as he sought out teachers, he soon learned the art of surrender and letting go.
He learned an altogether healthier and far more effective way of dealing with strong negative emotions. He learned you couldn’t fight them and, instead, to surrender and listen to their underlying message, act upon it, and in doing so, prevent years of despair.
When hit with a tidal wave of negative emotions, most of us do what Dave tried to do — that is to fight, repress, or suppress. By doing so, we put gasoline on an already infuriated fire. And that, my friends, is how so many live their lives — suffocating on the fumes of their own fire.
Note: I’m not saying you started the fire. But I am saying that you, and only you, have the ability to make the changes required to extinguish it or at least calm it down.
So, how does one surrender?
Real simple, you give up the fight. According to the NHS, most panic attacks last somewhere between 5-20 minutes. Personally, for years, all my energy went into trying to fight what had become inevitable. So I lived my life in fight or flight. Constantly. And when panic attacked? There was zero compassion. All I saw was a weak piece of shit unable to function as a human being. And I would beat myself up for weeks, months, years as a result. That was the cycle. Fuck that. It is no way to live.
Once you begin to surrender and accept that this is happening, you will no longer be controlled by these all-powerful, horrible emotions. And if you continue to practice surrender, the emotions will leave soon after they arrive, and you can get on with your life and your day.
By continuing to suppress, fight, and deny, the vicious cycle will continue, and you may never experience relief.
Of course, it’s not as simple as that. You may need a utility belt of weapons to deploy depending on how much shit you’ve had to endure and how long you’ve had to endure it. This is why support from a third party is so incredibly valuable and likely one of the best investments anyone struggling with their mental health will ever make.
When you surrender fully, you accept. And when you accept, your negative emotions will no longer hold all power over you. They lose their power, and in doing so, provide you with the freedom and space required to do a little inner work and make the necessary adjustments. This work will free you further and lessen the chances of such horror occurring in the future while equipping you with the tools required to ensure your next shit show is far less turbulent.
For Dave, unfortunately, it never worked out. However, it would be Robert’s greatest victory, freeing up space to work through his past, create boundaries, get to know himself, heal from past traumas, and develop greater awareness and self-compassion that would eventually allow him to live a fulfilled life.
In so many instances, it’s a very thin line. However, as time rolls on, the line gets thicker. Therefore, the time to take action is always now.
The end.
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