I thought motherhood was not meant for me. I was broken, unreliable, a risk. After having a mental breakdown in 2003 and living with depression ever since, the idea of becoming a mother seemed irresponsible.
I felt like I was drowning in guilt, guilt that stemmed from all the pain and anxiety I had caused my loved ones. I did not want to add to that guilt by passing my faulty genes on to an innocent child and watch that child suffer, because of me.
But nothing stays the same, time moves on and we move and change with it. I began to get a handle on my mental health. I started to have more good days than bad. I had finally figured out how to take control and stop the depression dictating how I should live my life.
Don’t get me wrong, depression never left me. It is my constant companion. Lurking in the darkness just waiting for the right conditions to flourish, grow and retake control. But I had changed, I learnt new skills, armed myself with knowledge and gained the strength to stand my ground.
It was during this long process of change and personal development that I realised I could become a mother, if I was brave enough. Yes, there were risks, but I am self-aware, I knew when to ask for help and what to do to help me navigate the choppy hormonal and emotional seas of pregnancy.
I became pregnant in 2013, and I was scared. All the ‘what if’s’ started flooding my mind, what if I miscarried, what if something goes wrong, what if, what if, what if. The list was endless and each thought scarier than the next.
Then, I stopped.
I very consciously took a moment and decided I was not going to let anxiety ruin this special time for me. I regained control and managed my mental health through the rest of my pregnancy.
I made sure I was hitting all the basics of good mental health care. I tried my best to eat well, sleep well and get outside. I made sure to stay in contact with friends and did little things that gave me joy, such as listening to music or getting in to a good book.
That was easy enough in the beginning, but as time moved on it became more of a challenge. Sleeping became difficult as the baby got bigger and moved around. Turning in the bed, became a giant effort that involved a lot of bad language. It was also a battle to feel comfortable when in the car for example. Plus, I couldn’t walk too far before my back seized up.
This was the point in my pregnancy when my mood started to drop. I was starting to doubt myself and my decision to get pregnant. Would I be a good mum? What about post-natal depression? How would I cope with little sleep? I was depressed and starting to panic.
My GP referred me to the Psychiatrist in the National Maternity Hospital in Holles St. for a consultation. It turned out that what I was feeling was all pretty normal, just a little more intense. Knowing this, made things a lot easier. I didn’t feel so guilty about not feeling great all the time and it also focused my mind on other actives I could do to help me along the way.
I started pre-natal Pilates, which not only helped me with my back but also got me talking to other mums-to-be. This helped a lot, especially if they were not first time mums. They helped allay a lot of my worries.
I also practiced mindfulness and tried to incorporate it in to my daily life. So when I woke up in the morning, when I was out walking and when I had time to sit alone, I would focus on my breathing, calm my mind and stay in the moment for as long as I could. This was so helpful as it brought me right back to that moment and gave me some respite and perspective on my worries about the future and all the ifs and buts that come with anxiety.
I successfully made it to the end of my pregnancy and had a beautiful baby boy. Every day I navigate the up and downs of motherhood, but as time moves forward, so do I. I am learning all the time about what works to keep me well. I prioritise my mental health, and I encourage others around me to do the same. It’s important to me that my son sees those he loves take care of themselves so he develop good mental health habits as he grows.