I’ve written about migraine before, about triggers, symptoms, treatments and so on but this piece aims to give people an insight into the impact the condition can have on mental wellbeing. For those who don’t know migraine it’s commonly mistaken for just a headache. It’s far from this. Visual disturbances, numbness, nausea, neck and back pain and often an excruciating headache which can last for days are just a few symptoms. The causes can be anything from dietary, hormonal, environmental (lighting, loud sounds, strong smells etc), change in sleeping pattern, missing meals, stress. I could go on but as mentioned this piece isn’t about that, it’s about what it does to your emotional and mental state.
Migraine never bothered me too much until August 2016. What was once one or two a year changed to weekly and at worst, symptoms occurring daily which brings me to the unpredictability. Migraine can change over time meaning coping methods you had can suddenly be completely ineffective. Dealing with this can be challenging. At first I didn’t know why this was happening, truth be told I still don’t know why it changed. Migraine can occur whenever it so chooses like a shadow that lingers around you at all times. It has no consideration for your plans, no tolerance for changes in routine and certainly no patience for stress. This unpredictability is one of the most difficult aspects meaning you must be prepared at all times. I never leave the house without medication, food, water, heat patches and muscle soreness cream in my bag. The anxiety brought on from potential attacks becomes a trap in itself. It’s like being stuck on a hamster wheel. You’re anxious because you know you could get one at any time and that anxiety in itself is adding to the likelihood of bringing one on. Staying calm is crucial. However, staying calm in different situations can be incredibly difficult. You could be at work, with friends, on a date, travelling or driving. I’ve had incidents where I’ve been teaching classes of children or boarding a flight. The stress of this unpredictability on your mental health can be exhausting as it constantly hovers around your mind.
If you veer off course in what I describe as the trigger trapeze you can be sure migraine will make its annoyance known. Managing different triggers, depending on what each individuals are, is incredibly tricky. Imagine you’re out with friends, you can’t stay out too late because it effects your sleeping pattern, you can’t have a drink because alcohol could be a trigger of yours, you can’t go too long without food because missing meals isn’t an option, then you get a meal but you have to be aware of certain foods, not to mention you have to consider how loud the venue is and the lighting because guess what, these too can all be triggers. This can be very isolating as often friends, partners, work colleagues etc. may not fully understand and mistake it for being anti social or dare I say.. difficult. This is especially relevant with new people in your life as they aren’t familiar with your specific triggers. Not only are you trying to manage what’s described as an invisible condition, you’re conscious of what others perceptions are which can be upsetting and lead to socially isolating yourself. You begin to think avoidance is easier and a sense of loneliness can be a real problem for those who suffer with migraine.
So then you get one, or a symptom. You automatically question what caused it this time, you relive the past few days or weeks and count your triggers, you berate yourself for not being more aware and enabling another migraine to occur. I used to blame myself. I don’t as much now but there are still times when I completely break down. The impact this blame and negative self talk can have on your self esteem is quite damaging. You think it’s your fault but the reality is yes you can try to manage it but you can’t live your life in fear of it.
The frequency is something I sometimes struggle with also but there are people who suffer from them far more often than me. Recently I woke up to a migraine and out of sheer frustration I burst into tears. At 29 years old my mother consoled me as if I were a child. A few days after I got another one just at the end of a day at work. My friend had to come and get me from the bathroom (where I’d been waiting for the visual disturbance to pass) and I was a mess. She had to get my belongings from my desk and drive me home. These are the times when I feel I can’t manage it anymore, the training to keep calm abandons me and I crumble.
To date I’ve made some significant changes to my lifestyle in order to reduce my migraine. I’ve changed my diet and cut out dairy nor do I eat many sugary foods. I’ve cut out alcohol. I ensure I get enough sleep. I drink as much water as I can. I never skip meals. I have all screens that I work on dimmed to the darkest setting. I had the lighting around my desk at work reduced. I take medication daily. I’ve tried acupuncture and osteopathy as alternative treatments. I’ve taken up regular mindfulness to reduce anxiety. I practice yoga. As there is no cure migraine takes constant maintenance and if these efforts don’t work it can be extremely frustrating.
Isolation, low self-esteem, anxiety, managing the unpredictability, frustration and in worse cases depression are just some of the ways migraine affects mental health. The complexity of the condition and the misconceptions around it make it even more stressful for those who suffer from it. My main ally is self-compassion, which isn’t always easy. I know I work hard to reduce my symptoms and there isn’t a whole lot else I can do except be nice to myself when those endeavours aren’t rewarded. My advice is if you need to cry out of frustration then do, find new social settings where triggers aren’t as significant, educate yourself on what you can do to help your individual experience, join the Migraine Association of Ireland and go to their events. Talk to other migraineurs. It can be comforting to know that you’re not alone in what can be a very isolating condition and no matter how frustrated you get be compassionate towards yourself. You’re doing your best.