May the force be with you

Mark, an Iron-minder and A lust for life ambassador, was an elite high performance cyclist, when he was suddenly and tragically knocked off his bike, where he received a serious acquired brain injury, changing his life. This trauma for so may years haunted his mental health and self esteem. His journey back from the darkness is an inspiring story of inner resilience, where with the support of loved ones, he over time recognised this and brought it out, to where it used to be before his accident

I wasn’t sure if I should apply or not when I saw the Ironmind proposal. Yes, I had suffered depression, but my darkest of days were a long time ago, over 10-15 years back. I still had some dark days and moments, like most people, and I still wasn’t fully in touch with my mental health, so I thought maybe Ironmind could help there. Also there was a physical challenge to it, and that part I welcomed,  I needed something to aim for and be accountable to, remove myself from my comfort zone.  I ran it by my partner Gillian, she was all for it, the best coaches and psychologists, a half ironman event, why not she said?

I applied, and what I was hoping to get out of it was to become fitter and gain a greater understanding of my own mental health – I was accepted and so the madness began with a full on fitness test in DCU. My fitness was ok, but I had weight, and my extra weight was a disadvantage in everything, including my mind, it took ironmind for me to figure that out fully.

The first few stages of our journey in Ironmind was getting a bike fit with our new bikes, meeting up together as the 4 Iron-minders, meeting Mark McCabe our coach, who gave us our training programs and meeting up briefly with Clare, Gerry, Carole and of course Bressie.

I loved the training program, I loved having something that basically told me what I had to do and how to do it, as a fitness instructor/physical therapist, I’m more used to giving the programs, this was a welcome change and also one of my first lessons, that I needed a coach rather than trying to coach myself. The other aspect of ironmind was the team environment.

Triathlon may be an individual sport, but we had a collective around us, and the four of us were week by week becoming a cohesive team, this was something I always wanted to experience. Mark McCabe was in touch with us every day by email, Carole kept the pressure on us to get our swims in and keep to our drills and techniques, Clare and Gerry regularly checked in on us and if we needed them, they were available 24/7 and Bressie was always on hand too, he would come visit us, bring us training and organised the best of gear for us. We had our own What’s App group for the four of us and Bressie, we talked daily, to say we talked hourly would be an exaggeration but it wasn’t far off that. An Irish athlete preparing for the Olympics, I don’t think had the resources and support we had. It was exceptional.

My swim training in the pool was going well, so my swimming I thought was fine, till that day in Lough Ennell, where we did our first open water swim. I was extremely disappointed with my experience that day, it knocked me back, my confidence, my self-belief and this was someone who has low enough self-confidence and belief as it is.

I used to mirror my bouts of depression and good days with Star Wars. The Good days, my very good days I felt like I was Luke Skywalker and Hans Solo, a Jedi Knight and the force was with me. On my bad acute depressive days, the dark side was with me and Darth Vader and the emperor were on each shoulder in all their blackness and misery.

Driving back home from Lough Ennell , Darth Vader was in the passenger seat with me.

In various sessions with Clare, the following terms and words came up every time, Self-compassion – I had none, Resilience – what was that?  Self sabotage — how can one do that? As it turned out Mr Vader and the Emperor had my head more clouded than I gave them credit for. Bressie spoke about these terms also, but I wasn’t open to them and their real meaning at the time.

Getting back into open water was a necessity, I had prepared my head that it was a must do, there was only 14 days till our first triathlon, I had worked out I could get in the water for 10 of those 14 days, the first day back in I managed 400 meters then a couple of 800 meter swims and two 1000 meter swims and one 1200 and one 1500 meter swim. I hated making my way to that sea, I feared that initial coldness, which always wore off and the bloody jellyfish, I didn’t get stung but the anticipation of possibly getting stung raised my anxiety levels through the roof, I came close to a number of jelly fish and my reaction each every time was as if I had just swam in front of a shark, my frantic splashing and kicking for 50 meters or so brought me clear of the fish. It gives you an idea though of how on the edge my mind was while swimming. As I got more comfortable with my open water swimming, Darth Vader may have been in the passenger seat on the way to the swim but he certainly wasn’t there on the way home.

The Sprint Triathlon in Fethard was really good, I was completely calm for the swim which I got through comfortably enough, enjoyed the cycle and was grateful the run was just 5k.

The sessions with Clare, our clinical psychologist,  in hindsight were life changing. We had group chats with her where everything went on the table, and I mean everything. I was able to relate how dark things got for me when I was in the depths of my depression, how uneasy I would just feel in ordinary situations, my fears and worries of present day and the future, how I could not get the strong mind-set that I had before my bike accident back, and the frustrations that came with that. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)  exercises and mindfulness were the two biggest things that I took from my ironmind journey. I had done CBT before, but not like this.  Clare laid out CBT to us like Mark and Carole laid out our training sessions, it was step by step, one leading to another. It was the CBT exercises and nearly daily mindfulness that helped me conquer my swimming difficulties, they settled and the focused the mind.

Shortly after our sprint triathlon, I was away on a family holiday, where I only got in a handful of training sessions. When I returned I had only 9 days before our Olympic distance triathlon in Blacksod and this was probably the most stressful period of Ironmind for me. I had lost swim fitness and had very little time to get it back. Heading to Blacksod I didn’t feel good at all, while the drive to Blacksod had Darth Vader in the passenger seat again, and the Emperor in the back seat. I had asked Gillian to stay at home and catch up on rest with my son Luke, leaving that Friday evening. I gave them a big hug, in my head I felt something terrible was going to happen to me the next day. I didn’t tell Gillian that. In fairness to Bressie the pep talk he gave us the night before, eased my fears somewhat, but next morning they were back in full glory. That morning as we arrived at the start area, bundled up with nerves and anxiety and fear too, I walked my bike into the transition area seeking out my spot. At my Spot was Gillian and Luke, the first words I said to her was you “mad eejit” they had got up at 6am to travel. As I hugged and kissed them my nerves shot up but my anxiety eased, it was time to cop the hell on and do this thing. Gillian said to me, do this swim for me…. We entered the water, the start gun went off , and every bit of anxiety fear and nerves disappeared in that second and I was as calm as you like and went on to have the best open water swim of my life to date. I had given Gillian and Luke the best swim I could, it was the least I could do, the support from her through this has been unquantifiable, an unbelievable woman. Once out of the water, I enjoyed the bike and endured the run. I was happy out, I felt really good about my race and we were 5 weeks out from our half ironman.

Gerry Hussey, our performance psychologist  — a guy who shows you what you yourself is actually all about in the most sensitive and caring way, but still hits you directly between the eye balls, which is a unique gift and one I am extremely grateful for experiencing. Gerry visited me at home and we spoke for over 3 hours, he put my former 19 year old self in front of me and asked what he would think of me now at 40 years of age, I felt that he wouldn’t think much and gave reasons why, Gerry then turned it and said maybe that 19 year old is proud of you, cause that 19 year old might have felt no, I couldn’t do what you’ve done – I was beginning to learn about self-compassion.

We arrived in Lanzarote a few days before the main event, and I felt good, as good as I was going to feel, I was fairly relaxed, until all the changes to the race route happened, due to the severe storms on the island. I tried to put a positive front on it, but deep down I was pissed off. Running wasn’t my thing, I could do it, but I didn’t enjoy it. The event itself was torturous, the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn’t sleep that well the night before at all. I immediately struggled on the incredibly mountainous bike section and I knew it was going to be a long day, between the rain, heat, humidity and all the things in between.  Starting the 21 km run I just said go easy and slow, it was slow alright but not easy, I threw water over me at every water station and took a walk at them too, at the end of lap 1/start of lap 2, I asked Gillian for a wipe, she had it on hand and started running with me. I really couldn’t say much, she gave me great words of encouragement, and then I was back out on lap 2, which was hell, absolute hell. During that lap I was never running, cycling or doing anything again, I was going to become a sports fan from the couch, not a participant, this was it, I’m done! Lap 3 the final lap….And Gerry Hussey began to run with me, god help him.  I was going so slow, he didn’t even break a sweat… we talked about this and that, and everything and anything, and he asked what I thought I was getting out of the whole journey, and in those few final kilometre’s,  with a body full of pain I realised that I was stronger than I actually gave myself credit for, I had a powerful inner resilience, I had finally identified with it.  Bressie had eventually struck that chord within me, and above all, I had finally confessed to myself that self-sabotage was a loveless behaviour that served no purpose in my life, and I was accepting of these realisations. I was compassionate to myself now, and once all this happened I was at the finish line. Once again Gerry had worked his magic. Mission accomplished.

I wanted to learn more about my mental health when I started Ironmind and I did in spades, and I suppose I got fitter, but I came away from it with a greater sense of myself.

I think about people who are in those days of darkness and I wonder how can they relate to us doing such a physical event? They probably can’t, but small baby steps lead to bigger steps and you move along and suddenly you are where I am today. I’ve the greatest support anyone could ask for in Gillian, so therefore I can accomplish anything I want to, if I set my mind to it.

This particular Ironmind challenge is over, but I will always be an Iron-minder, my journey continues, it’s on a greater path now, I can’t wait to see what’s around the corner – May the force be with you, Mark.