Letting go of those we’ve let go

The choice we make about the people we spend our time with is a pretty important one. Nobody wants to live with regrets about a relationship that didn’t merit their investment in it. We may begin hoping that it contains all the ingredients for success… and learn along the way that it doesn’t, but I think you can attach sincerity to a relationship that appeared to have all the ingredients for success except one. I know many people who have had a relationship that made an indelible mark on their life even though they knew it would not be the central theme of their story. I know I have, and when it ran its course the way I consigned it to my past was in an entirely favourable way. The missing ingredient it seemed was timing, and when we discovered how integral that missing ingredient was, it became clear that no other factors could compensate for it. That wasn’t much consolation to us then, as even relationship endings that play out in an amicable manner are still incredibly difficult to navigate.

I recently discovered that same ex-partner’s father had passed away. The partner in question was my most beloved, my most memorable and for many years my most talked about. Naturally the intervening passage of time has ensured those talks have stopped. However, I feel the necessity of a trip down memory lane, as his beloved Dad was my next favourite member of the clan and pretty hard to say goodbye to the first time around. Some journeys just need to be taken and some places must be revisited before they can be filed away in memory or shared with future loved ones.

It’s an indescribable emotion to suddenly find out you’ve lost someone that was lost to you anyway. How can one lose something that is no longer part of their life? It’s an emotional double whammy. You’re disconnected from a time you were once so connected to; so your grief is displaced, but no less valid. In the life of those who were so important to you, you aren’t what you were. Prefixed with an –ex. Yet in the dark of the dark, or in that instance early one morning when I saw his death notice the hollow is palpable. Someone who brightened your life has gone, and though it’s no longer visible to you a light has gone out for the person you once loved so dearly. In that instance, the –ex status doesn’t do anything to diminish the sense of loss.

Not seeing someone but knowing they are present elsewhere is a different kind of loss to the finality of knowing they are no longer present. It’s always sad to realise that someone who was such an important part of your world is no longer part of this world either. Yet those moments spent together remain in your recollection, those hours and minutes like colourful threads woven forever into the timelessness of some incredibly happy memories. Other threads have and will weave their way in to your life. Society has changed. People are living life at a faster pace; many would argue we are living many lives, concurrently. Someone who was once so beloved to you could be a larger part of someone else’s story. You can truly love someone who isn’t your one true love. It’s perfectly acceptable to know that it was a path you had to take, despite not being the most significant route. The pace of life has changed. However, loss should always stop you in your tracks. If the finality of life cannot halt you from the daily grind, then you really need to glance over your priority list.

I’ve always been a believer in stopping to smell the proverbial roses and treasuring what’s present while it’s present. Loss affected my life from a young age. I never knew my paternal grandfather and have little recollection of either grandmother. I think you’re always acutely aware that loss forms indelible marks on people who despite being happy with what they have, know that what they ‘had’ was cut short. I think this is true especially as one matures and continues to decode the meaning of it all. There are large portions of the mind that house ‘what ifs’ without much encouragement.

The pace of the modern world hasn’t done anything to diminish our ability to question our choices. This is in spite of the fact that relationships are more fluid, and less people marry for life, or in some cases don’t marry at all. That’s fine too, it’s not a one size fits all arrangement. Sometimes the love you think of as your significant other is not the most significant of your life, but that doesn’t diminish the part they play in your story…at that time. Like any good theatre, characters can be minor in their duration but major in their impact. When coming from a sincere place it’s hard to question the relevance or intent of someone’s emotion. In those instances there are bonds of love that cannot be broken, even by loss. The man who was once so loved by me is somewhere else in the world now playing a part in someone else’s story. Despite parting on good terms we agreed not to stay in touch. A decision I’ve been fine with for many years now, but made more difficult initially by not getting to say a proper goodbye to the relationship. Unfinished business can be tricky on the thought process, so this time around I’d like to say a proper goodbye to his lovely Dad, Pete. I will close the chapter on a man who was so very loved by so many…and at one time so fondly loved by me with no regrets. I’m grateful for sharing in his story, and I hope he was happy to be part of mine. A good choice and time well spent.