Let’s stop the collective shame every January – It’s tough enough

A client once described her struggle with depression as having a room in her mind that holds all the dark, black, stinking tar-like poison in the universe. Sometimes the room is locked tight and so far away she can barely see its outline in the distance. Other times she’s right outside that room and the door is open, she can see the frightening black morass inside but she is still outside, standing in the light. And then there are the times she’s inside the room and the door is closing. The door has never closed with her inside, but she says that the fear that someday it might is almost as bad as the depression itself.

I know this room, I have one too and not a day goes by that I don’t check and see how close I am to it and whether the door is open. For a variety of reasons January always finds me standing right outside that door, and working with clients and groups over the years I know that I am not alone in this.

There are lots of reasons for this. Often Christmas means we fall out of routine with food and exercise and sleep or perhaps it doesn’t quite measure up to the Christmas Hollywood tells us we should be having or it brings up painful memories and experiences. The short, dark days have worn us down too and sometimes the thought of the energy required to face the challenges of the year ahead can be daunting.

However, literature tell us that the one single thing that takes up most space inside that room in peoples’ heads, is shame. Shame has been described as ‘the swampland of the soul’ and ‘planet shame’ as a place where life cannot survive. Research has found that shame is very strongly linked to depression and anxiety as well as a lot of other toxic coping strategies involving substance abuse and self-harming behaviours. Shame influences our behaviour, our interactions, our relationships, our parenting. It is the voice in our heads that tells us we are not good enough, that we are wrong, that asks who do we think we are and that tells us we are unlovable. The great Brené Brown, an American researcher on shame and vulnerability, says there is an epidemic of shame in our culture and her wonderful TED talks are worth watching:

• Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability
• Brené Brown: Listening to shame

Shame of course is very profitable – especially in January. It pays to make sure people feel bad about themselves because when they do, they buy things, or eat more, or join gyms they never attend or sign up to impossible diets. On the morning of the 27th December, a flier from a well-known weight loss organisation was pushed through my door. I instantly felt ashamed of the (admittedly outrageous) amount of food I had been eating over the previous few days and even though I was on my own, immediately self-conscious. “I’ll do better”, I swore! Of course I didn’t and that flier lay judging me for the rest of Christmas.

January is the time that we are told by everyone we must produce a ‘new me’, because the old me is too fat/too thin/too ugly/too unfit/too broke/too negative/too foolish/too lazy/too unpopular – in other words, we are absolutely and totally unacceptable and not good enough as we are. We are told we should make a decision to change into ‘better’ versions of ourselves and if we have the strength of will and character needed we will make those changes permanently. We can, of course, assist our will power by buying the right products, joining the right gym, signing up to the right slimming agency.

The message in January is that if we can eat less, exercise more and generally do things differently, that we will be better, worthier people and probably other people will like us more too. Often we set unrealistic goals for ourselves, based on unattainable and ridiculous standards of beauty and perfection. ‘I will eat only brown rice and do two hours exercise a day’. No matter that trying to juggle work, family, kids, partners, bosses, deadlines, friends …. Life, means that the goals we set ourselves are often simply impossible. Or perhaps we manage to do it for a while only to find out that nothing has changed, we are just hungrier, tireder versions of ourselves and not even slightly funnier or more popular. Either way, we have failed January. We are still the crap, old versions of ourselves that we wanted to change and we feel ashamed.

Brown teaches that shame flourishes in conditions of secrecy, silence and judgement. What are we judging ourselves about this January? Have we put on weight? Did we spend too much? Did we not manage to hold our temper with a family member? Perhaps we shouted at our kids? Are we hating ourselves for these things? Endlessly going over them in our minds, pledging to do things differently and be a new, better person in 2017?

Brown also teaches that the antidote to shame is empathy. How might we empathise with ourselves instead of judging? Do we eat a lot because we don’t stop going from 7am each day and we need the energy to keep going? Or are we run ragged making sure everyone in our lives is okay and their every need is met and we are totally burned out? Did we over-spend because perhaps we find words difficult and presents are how we show our love? Or perhaps we really want to make Christmas special and magical and we worked our asses off to do it. Did we lose our temper because the family member provoked us beyond the point of reason and after holding our tongues for years, it was absolutely appropriate that we called a halt? Anger can be a wonderfully healing thing sometimes if we give ourselves permission to feel it. Are we simply part of the community of parents who are humans with infinite love but finite patience who sometimes shout at their kids?

If January is a difficult month for you and you find yourself looking critically at yourself, before you conjure up a ‘new’ you, try experimenting with empathy. Think of all the things you have judged yourself harshly for and be kind to yourself about them. Imagine a friend was telling you those things – what would you say to him or her? Would you say, “yes, you are fat/useless/pathetic/old and I’m morto for you”, or would you remind them of all the incredible things that they do and how much everyone loves them? The ‘old us’ are the ones that have got us this far and don’t deserve the criticism that we heap on them. We do incredible things every day and give ourselves no credit for them at all. We are kind and funny and wise and our friends and family love us for who we are, exactly as we are – wobbly bits and all.

So do get a little exercise and fresh air, eat good food, sleep as much as you can, meditate – but don’t do it to change yourself. In spite of what the shame gremlins tell you, you are perfect as you are and doing a brilliant job. Do these things because they’ll make you feel great. Do them to reward yourself for all that you do. If you are struggling with that black room, you’ll be amazed how much space you’ll make by clearing out some of the January shame. This January, instead of making a list of things you want to change, make a list of all the ways you are already killing it and take time to celebrate every single one.