In every relationship there are at least two topics that cannot be resolved. Christmas is not the time to discuss them. Find out what you can do to cope with family disputes during festivities.
Our emotions over Christmas are often highly charged. We may experience more excitement, love, gratitude and joy. But also an increase of stress, worry, irritability and frustration. Our body is a beautifully designed instrument that helps us neutralise our emotions. If you can imagine a scale from +10 to -10, with a 0 in the middle, in day-to-day life, our emotions usually rise to no higher +3 and drop to no lower than -3. When they rise above +3 and we feel more than happy, maybe ecstatic, they can also drop all the way down to below -3 making us feel miserable. Therefore, over the holiday period they are more likely to fluctuate, which may be the reason for family spats. Combine it with spending time with a larger than usual group of people, and unfortunately, an argument may be inevitable.
Every few years I spend Christmas with my extended family. We have uncles, aunties, cousins and their children all gathering up to enjoy a Christmas meal. The day is usually chaotic but fun, with lots of people coming and going. However, once the dinner is served, we all sit down at the table and spend hours talking, which is where all the potential for disagreement may arise.
One year, my cousin and I came up with a list of topics that may usually cause disagreements in our family. Most of them included politics. The older generation often supports a diametrically different political party than the younger generation. We figured out that once we know what topics are our hot buttons, we will be able to steer away from them. This is the first step to cope with family spats over Christmas:
1. Select the topics that cause arguments in your family
Once you know what topic causes family members’ frustrations, these topics will become your warning signs that if nothing is done about them, an argument may be inevitable. This is exactly what we did in our family. Before the dinner, we shared a list of our hot topics with our mums dads, uncles and aunties. They added two more topics to the list and we all agreed that if any of these topics are mentioned at the table, everyone has a right to veto them. If anyone heard someone else mention something from the list, they would yell: veto! The ‘veto’ game became a fun activity at our Christmas table and a source of laughter for everyone. To the extent that at one stage, younger children started shouting ‘veto’ and bursting into fits of giggles every time someone said something.
Some of these arguments over the Christmas table don’t serve any purpose. They are a product of our heighted emotions and expectations of having a ‘perfect’ holiday season. Moreover, research shows that every close relationship has at least two topics that no matter how hard they try, they are unable to resolve. Sometimes identifying these topics may spare you a lot of grief, anger, and irritation. It is much harder to change other people’s minds, so in some situation, it’s better for focus on simply changing our own minds and just letting silly spats go.
If your family are not willing to do the ‘veto’ game, but you don’t want to get frustrated over Christmas, when you hear your parents asking you yet again: what are you doing with your life?; or you hear your uncle tell you how you should not have bought a house during the recession, note all these hot topics and then go to step 2 that will help you manage your emotions.
2. Reflect upon your physical reactions before you get annoyed
Every time we are about to get annoyed, just before we metaphorically ‘lose it’, we experience all these emotions in our body. They come out as our heart beating faster, or our body sweating, legs feeling jittery, hot flashes, nausea. Think of some of your own body reactions just before you get very annoyed and cannot stop yourself, and try and spot them when they happen. It is important to notice them, as at this early stage, when you are about to get frustrated, you may still be able to do something about it. What can you do?
3. Find a temporary distraction
This can be changing the topic, walking to the kitchen to pick something up, taking a walk after the dinner, singing a song in your head that has a calming effect on you, counting to 10, taking a few deep breaths, rehearsing mantras, such as: let the baby have its bottle, or this fight is just not worth it. What you are trying to do here is not to react to an argument in a way that would make you feel regretful later. If it is just a silly Christmas discussion that gets you annoyed, it’s better to just let it go. If it’s something more serious, leave it until after Christmas to tackle it and let it go for today. For the time being, just enjoy everyone’s company and your time out of work, school, or simply your daily life. And always remember that some people would love to have a fight like this with their family, if they only had an opportunity to meet with them this Christmas.
And here is one more thing you can plan this Christmas to avoid arguments:
4. Go on a journey of reminiscence
When family members focus on good old times, it puts them in a great mood, they feel more grounded and happier. They feel like they belong. Prepare a slideshow of all the happy moments from the past, or sit down with your family before the dinner to go through the old photographs. Reminiscing about the good old times will make you all feel great, so the arguments will be less likely to happen.
Wishing you ‘peaceful’, yet fun Christmas this year!
Support Our Campaign
We rely on the generosity of the public to fund our work and so far together we have achieved great things! Please do continue to support us so we can provide future generations in Ireland with the resources to recognise and talk about their emotions, and equip them to navigate the ever-changing world around them as they grow
