How to support children to worry less and develop mental fitness

‘If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.’ – E. Joseph Cossman.

Worrying does not just automatically stop when someone suggests that you stop and this is true for adults and children alike. You need to be able to tell yourself not to worry and this requires you to have a certain amount of control over how your mind is working. Hearing from someone else that you shouldn’t worry gives you the idea that for others the thing you are worrying about is not necessarily that worthy of worry. It may even suggest to you that things won’t turn out so bad after all, when you have been reassured by another.

But it won’t be enough to make the worrying stop. And it is important we remember this when it comes to talking to children about their worries. It is good and it is supportive to reassure children that they don’t need to worry about something but this alone will probably not be enough to reduce the worry. To take control of your mind, to actually train your mind to not get stuck in loops of worried thought; that can be a harder thing to achieve. It requires a focus on mental fitness.

There are many reasons why supporting children to worry less is good. Worrying is a difficult emotion to experience and while it is a normal emotion that everyone will feel at times, research has emerged that is suggesting a possible link between chronic worrying and the likelihood of developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is but one very important reason why mental fitness training needs to become a focus in people’s lives. In the Epidemiology Department of Michigan State University, researchers have found while studying participants over a long number of years, those who as children were prone to worrying a lot over everyday occurrences were much more likely to develop symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after a traumatic event. The statistics indicated clearly that chronic worrying is an indicator of vulnerability to developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder rather than the chronic worrying being a feature that develops as a result of the trauma.

We can’t necessarily avoid the trauma that happens on the journey our kids will make through life. We cannot stop them worrying at times, even though we often may wish we could. Given that we cannot control what they may be exposed to in terms of experience, we can focus on preparing them internally to become mentally strong. That way, we begin to better prepare the next generation to meet trauma with resiliency. They will be less likely too to become chronic worriers.

Tuning in to how much worrying children do is the first good step in helping them take control of their mind. This is a key part of mental fitness training but the tuning in to the feeling is only an initial first step. If the child has a natural propensity towards worrying, you can guide them to an alternative way of thinking, not by simply saying not to worry but by increasing their own awareness about what thinking is behind the worried feeling. To explore with them what the thoughts are that are causing the worry and then to look at the evidence to suggest that that particular thought is not essential. For example, a child who is worried about what may happen in the schoolyard may be feeling worried because something difficult happened in the yard the week before. By exploring the child’s thoughts around this, they have the opportunity to focus on how their experience in the yard the week before has impacted on their developing beliefs.

1. Their belief about themselves
2. Their belief about others in the yard
3. Their belief about how much control they can have about what happens to them and how they feel

Through this exploration of beliefs, they may with the support of a parent, be able to come up with a strategy to deal with the particular situation and then this experience will prompt them to begin to develop a belief that is along the lines of ‘I am able to problem solve when things get difficult for me in the yard.’ If this belief becomes strong over time, it can increase self-esteem and confidence. Confidence that is sourced internally and which is there because of a strong internal positive belief about the self is a fantastic buffer against worry and anxiety. By developing such a belief, mental fitness for that child increases.

We cannot control everything that happens in the lives of our children and we cannot force them not to worry. What we can do though is set the focus with them and focus on building up their mental fitness. Here are six key tips to build up that mental fitness and help children worry less;

1. Tune in to how the child feels.
2. Ask the child if they know the difference between feeling happy, sad, worried, excited.
3. Ask the child, if they are feeling worried to try to say where in their body they feel this feeling as this will develop their own emotional self-awareness.
4. Explain to the child that how they are feeling really matters to you and that their feeling has a link with their thought.
5. Explain to the child that their thoughts (for example about what happened in the yard) are only thoughts and that together, you could work out how to pick different ones that make them feel less worried.
6. Commend the child on every effort they make in moving towards a different way of thinking, for example, ‘It may not be so bad’, ‘I am able to handle this’ etc.

A mentally fit mind keeps kids psychologically safe and reduces the incidence of worrying thoughts taking hold. But to have a fit mind, training needs to take place, as is the case with physical fitness too. We need to remember that when parenting and when talking to children about their worries.