How to stop problematic self-talk

Three effective strategies for taking control of your inner critic

“I am, by calling, a dealer in words; and words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” — Rudyard Kipling

For the past six years, I’ve been obsessed with self-talk, and how it relates to emotion. This obsession grew out of the realization that self-talk and anxiety drove me toward a life of chronic heroin addiction. Tormented by the voices in my head, and the stories that I told myself, I was completely unaware of how they controlled my behaviour.

Through nothing short of a miracle, I broke free from addiction, where the source of my suffering has since turned into a PhD on the relationship between self-talk, emotion, and mindfulness.

During my time at university, I met Professor Yvonne Barnes-Holmes, a wizard of a therapist, and a world expert in the field of self-talk and emotion. Yvonne has since guided me on my journey, both personally and professionally, and now we have worked on this article together.

Below are three effective strategies that can help you to take control of your self-talk and, as a result, change how you feel and act.

1. Reframe your self-talk

“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.” — Emo Philips

We all have a story, and it is written with the words we use. If you tell yourself you’re anxious, you’re going to act accordingly. If you tell yourself you suffer from stress, it’s likely that you will. It is therefore critical to choose your words carefully, especially when talking to yourself.

Self-talk that can stop you taking action should also be avoided. For example, reactive words and phrases such as “I can’t,” “if only,” “I must,” or “he/she made me feel like that way,” should be replaced with proactive words and phrases such as “I will,” “I choose to,” and “let’s look at this another way.” This practice is empowering, and when you make the switch, you’ll even notice a change in your posture.

In challenging situations, you should also track the questions you ask yourself. For instance, replacing “why me?” (head-based) with “what can I do about this?” (action-based) will instil in you a sense of strength, directing you toward corrective action rather than worrying about your problems.

2. Challenge your self-talk

“The words you speak become the house you live in.” — Hafiz

I used to struggle with public speaking. For days before a presentation, I’d fill myself with all kinds of anxiety-inducing self-talk. “What if you have a panic attack?” “What if you faint on stage?” “What if you can’t stop sweating?”

What do you think happened on the day of the presentation? Damn right, I was crippled with anxiety. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, or, as Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

This experience is very different for me today. When irrational self-talk enters my mind, I identify and dispute it immediately. When I do this, it quickly becomes clear how irrational it is. I have never fainted in my entire life. I’ve only ever had one panic attack. And as for sweating on stage, who cares. Most people wouldn’t notice anyway, and you can always wear black.

But of course, not all self-talk is irrational. Before a presentation, my internal chatter might say: “This is going to be nerve-wracking,” which is often true. When this occurs, I use a form of reappraisal in which I replace “nerve-wracking” with “exciting.” This tactic works well in many stressful situations, as it’s often our interpretation of events, rather than the event, that determines our emotions and behaviour.

3. Observe your self-talk

“Dialogue is about creating awareness through self-observation; it starts from the inside out, not the outside in.” — Oli Anderson

Instead of trying to change your internal dialogue, sometimes it’s best to observe it. This can be done through the practice of self-observation, which means mindfully observing how you think and feel.

For example, if I asked you to observe your bodily sensations, you might take a step back and focus on a specific area, such as your breath. If I asked you what you were thinking (i.e., about your self-talk), you could observe this too. You might be planning for the week ahead, or worrying about money; but regardless of what this internal chatter might be, it’s possible to take a step back and observe it. It’s the same for feelings. If I asked you how you felt, you could also take a step back and observe how you feel.

The point is, you can take an observer’s perspective of your self-talk, feelings, and bodily sensations. However, when you do this, you must simply observe, without engaging. Like the blue sky watching clouds drift by, or the person on the riverbank watching the leaves float past, you watch your thoughts come and go, without engaging in them. This is important. Be the blue sky. Be the person on the riverbank. Be the observer.

When you practice self-observation regularly, you will create a sense of detachment from challenging self-talk and emotions, and when they do arise, they will no longer consume you.

All you need to know

Self-talk is powerful. It has a huge impact on how you act and feel.

If you tell yourself that you suffer, it’s likely that you will. The same is true of many of your psychological experiences.

But you don’t have to suffer. If you want to change how you act and feel, you do have a choice. You can reframe your self-talk. You can challenge your self-talk. And you can mindfully observe your self-talk and accept how you feel, rather than engaging with it.

By practising these techniques, self-talk will lose its potency, and it will no longer control your actions.

Liked this article? Check out brianpennie.com for similar stories, and get the FREE program I developed to make remarkable changes in my recovery from 15 years of chronic heroin addiction.