How to Mind Yourself, with Kate Malley

In the seventh part of our series on ‘How to Mind Yourself’, A Lust for Life writer Kate Malley talks about how she takes care of her mental health. If you’d like to read more about self care, here’s the first, second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth part of the series.

What does self-care mean to you?

My meaning of self-care is looking after both your physical and mental health – doing what’s best for the combination of the two at any given time. It’s not just looking at your physical health or just your mental health – because I find that they are both of equal importance and go hand-in-hand with each other. I think it’s also important to set boundaries for yourself and others to do what’s best for you and make your self-care the top priority. Self-Care is also acknowledging when you need help, and taking the necessary steps to seek help when needed.

What does your daily routine look like, and how do you integrate ways to mind your mental health?

As I work in a coffee shop, my shifts are all random, so I have no set routine – I can work mornings or evenings.

I love to exercise first thing in the morning (if I’m not working). I’ll wake up and get straight into my gym gear, and head out to my gym, stopping at my favourite local coffee shop along the way. Exercise really helps to keep my anxiety as low as possible so that’s why it’s so important for me to integrate it as part of my routine. Also, when I start my day with exercise, I find it energises and refreshes me, making me feel stronger and more able to handle any obstacle thrown my way. There are some great gym classes on – some in the mornings and some in the evenings, which are great to go to as well as it’s an exciting change, and the staff are always really motivating as well which really helps to keep up your own motivation.

While I love starting my day with a coffee, there are times I have to avoid coffee or stick to decaf if I’ve noticed my anxiety has spiked. The times that I felt like I really didn’t need coffee, I had decaf coffee, herbal tea or freshly squeezed orange juice… decaf coffee is never brilliant but freshly squeezed orange juice is amazing! The important thing is to treat myself with one nice drink whether it’s coffee or something else. It’s something small but it gives me more motivation to get up and get my day going productively.

The days I’m working… I’ve found it’s good to plan something nice before or after work so you don’t let work consume you. It can be as simple as cooking myself a tasty meal (or having one at a nice cafe or restaurant), playing my guitar, going to a fun gym class or even just lighting candles and incense and doing some stretching to relax. This really helps to make me feel like I’ve done something enjoyable with my day and haven’t just given away all my time and energy to work. Some days I also get to catch up with my sister who works close by which is always really nice!

On my days off I always try and get out and about – even if I’m not meeting up with anyone. I’ll go for a wander around town, go explore and see what’s new, or re-visit my favourite places around town. Grafton Street normally has some interesting entertainment, and occasionally you’ll find some real talent as well which is brilliant. The important thing for me is that I don’t stay at home all day…even if I just go out once for an hour or two then I feel like I’ve done something productive with my time and like I’ve done something enjoyable with my day.

What are the habits that make the biggest difference to your mental health?

I’ve created a few habits over the last few years to improve my mental health which have made a huge difference to me.

I’d like to think of exercise as my natural remedy to keep my anxiety as low as possible. I try to exercise at least four times a week. There have been times I haven’t been able to exercise that much if I’ve been busy with other things, I also had an arm injury at one point – and I noticed such a huge difference in my state of mind. When I haven’t exercised I have felt a little bit like a livewire, and not in a good way, and I felt a bit all over the place. When I’ve been able to exercise and make the time to do it, I’ve noticed it energises and refreshes me, and I feel so much calmer and more relaxed.

I’ve also discovered a love for boxing when I started doing the Boxercise class at my gym at Flyefit, I find it’s such a great stress buster! I would never hurt anyone, so I’m always really careful doing pad work, maybe too careful sometimes. When it comes to the punching bag though, I like to think of it as a healthy way to release any frustration I have with my anxiety, and it can also help enormously to minimise any negative self-talk. I have accepted that my thoughts can run away with me at times, and I need to filter my thoughts before reacting to anything, but it doesn’t make it any easier. So for most of my gym sessions, I will use the punching bag for ten minutes at the end, and punch the hell out of it – and then come home and light candles and incense to stretch out and relax. Though even on days that I’m feeling ok, I still have fun doing it and love trying to get better with my technique, and it’s a form of cardio that’s a lot more fun than the treadmill!

This brings me to my other habit – that I need to continue my therapy sessions on a regular basis. I’ve come a long way in controlling my anxiety and emotions, but therapy helps me recognise unhealthy thinking patterns. There’s the triangle of thoughts, feelings and behaviour… and there are times I have slipped up on my thinking and haven’t recognised it until my therapist helps me see it. It’s so important to me that I keep up with therapy as that’s played one of the biggest roles in keeping me as healthy as possible. Even on days when I feel like I have nothing to talk about I go anyway, as there is always something to talk about. In therapy it can be good as well to explore what your “tool kit” is that works for you – it will be different for everyone, but this is where therapy can help to identify the things that help you stay on track.

Another thing – which may be more of a personality thing for me, but I’ve learned over the last couple years the importance of effective communication. It sounds simple, but I feel like people do a lot of assuming which causes lots of unnecessary misunderstandings and disappointments. People aren’t mind readers so you can’t fault people for anything if you didn’t communicate what you want or don’t want or what you’re thinking. Similarly, it’s always good to clarify things if you’re not sure about something. This goes across the board for any kind of relationship in your life – personal or professional. It’s amazing what a difference this can make!

Are there any other ways in which you make time to ‘mind yourself’ on a regular basis? (ie holidays, time with friends, digital detoxes, etc?)

I don’t watch TV like I used to…I watch some TV and movies, but as most of it is full of drama anyway, and my head is already filled with so much noise from my mind – it doesn’t really help anything. Of course I will always want to watch something, but I need to make sure it’s nothing too serious that will get my mind spinning around. Things like the X Factor I love to watch and that’s ok for me, but for example I used to watch Criminal Minds and I still love it – but I don’t think it’s good for me because it increased my anxiety and got me thinking like a detective about everything when I really didn’t need to. I used to think that it was my anxiety making me smarter but then I realised it really wasn’t doing anything good for me, at all!

Music helps me enormously in so many different ways. Slower music relaxes me and is very calming to listen to, while upbeat music energises me and gets me in a good mood. I try to make sure I listen to music daily, both the fun music and the relaxing music, I feel like music is food for your soul and is something really magical. Lyrics in songs can be inspiring too and give powerful motivational messages sometimes. I also own a guitar which I play sometimes…I wouldn’t say I’m that good, but it’s so relaxing and one of my favourite things is to play guitar while lighting candles and incense. I’m not as good as I used to be, so I try to play when nobody else is home to save them from hearing my beginner level guitar playing, but it’s still something I love and I’m still going to do it!

I try to see my family at least once a week, as family is so important to me and also I feel very lucky that me and my family all get along with each other, and I really value and appreciate that and want to make the most of it. We are all very close with each other and keep a family WhatsApp group to talk to each other regularly throughout the week.

I have a handful of friends who I consider true friends to me, and have always been there for me through my highs and lows. When I was at my worst they were there for me and are people I am going to stay connected to forever. I love seeing them when I can but we all live very busy lives (myself included), but I text them regularly to keep in touch, and those little chats really brighten up my day! They’re the kind of friends that would be there for me at the drop of a hat and I would do the same for them. 

What does a balanced life mean to you? 

A balanced life is a healthy combination of managing your work life, your personal life, and also taking care of your health and well-being. It can be tricky to organise everything, especially when so many jobs are more and more demanding these days, but I think each of those three things are important.

You need to fulfil your personal life to feed your soul, while managing your work successfully gives you purpose, and gives a way to express your passion (for some people that like their jobs), and taking care of your health and well-being is absolutely essential.

Your health and well-being should actually be your top priority, as that is where you find your strength to conquer everything else in your personal life and work life. If your mind or your body isn’t functioning at its best, it’s like expecting a flower to grow without giving it water or sunlight.

That’s why I put such a huge emphasis on putting so much time and energy into my own self-care, because without at least trying to be my best in my mind and my body, I’m depriving myself of the chance of being my best in any other aspect of my life.

Are there things you say ‘no’ to that help you? (ie not reading emails after a certain time, saying no to social engagements when you don’t feel up to it etc?)

I have definitely started saying no to things more often, which was very difficult in the beginning because I am always trying to be helpful, and have been a bit of a “people pleaser” in the past.

Though what I have learned over the last couple years since I really started trying to be my best version of myself, is that you need to take care if yourself before you can do anything else for others. This is nothing to do with being selfish and everything to do with doing what you need to do for you to take care of yourself.

There is a saying that goes like “you can’t pour from an empty jug” and that’s so true, I always keep this image in my mind that I fill myself up first and when my jug is full and starts to overflow then I help others with what’s leftover for me to give. It is simply because, after working so hard and for so long to develop the strength in myself for dealing with my anxiety and my roller coaster of emotions, I’m not about to risk letting myself shatter to pieces again just because I gave away too much of my time and energy and didn’t say “no”.

There isn’t any specific things I say no to, but before committing myself to doing anything whether it’s social gatherings or doing a favour – I ask myself first if I am giving up anything that will prevent my imaginary jug from being full. Will it affect my sleep, will I still have time to exercise enough during the week, will it make me too busy and make me too tired which would slow me down over all.

One thing I have been very strict with myself, is when to allow myself an alcoholic beverage and when I need to avoid it. Most of the time I try not to drink, but if something comes up, I assess how my mind and emotions have been at that time to judge if I think I can handle it or not. Sometimes I feel fine to have a drink or two, and other times I’m not feeling so steady in my head and I need to avoid it.

If someone is starting out to try and bring some meaningful self-care into their routine, what advice might you give them?

I would say to take small steps and build upon them little by little. With any lifestyle change – it’s only going to last if you make small adjustments one step at a time. If you try and change everything at once it might become too overwhelming and cause you to fall back and not make any change at all.

Start with one thing one week, and try another thing another week. For example, the first week you could focus on getting enough sleep every night. The following week, you could add to that by meditating for 5-10 minutes before you go to sleep, and it doesn’t need to be every single night to begin with. The key is to make small adjustments that will all add up eventually, that way it results in a lifestyle change as opposed to a temporary improvement that falls away. Make a list of your priorities of the changes you want to make, and try a new thing every week. Or focus on mastering one new lifestyle change before doing another thing.

Have you any advice on sustaining good habits?

I think there will be something different for everyone to influence them on sustaining good habits. For me, my discipline for sustaining good habits only came after I stuck it out long enough to see the proof of the positive improvements that came with my lifestyle changes. For some, that may also be the case. You need to have patience in the beginning of embarking upon changes, and it may be hard at first to see the efforts are worthwhile.

I have found that when you begin to see the benefits of the good habits, that becomes your motivation to keep it up. The peace of mind that comes with taking care of yourself makes you want to put in the hard work that much more. Right now for me with it being summer time, I would love to be drinking in a beer garden every week with a pint of Bulmers in my hand, but I know my mind can’t handle alcohol every single week, so I do other things instead to socialise.

Anything else you’d like to add on the subject of minding yourself and your mental health?

Remember that taking care of yourself isn’t always fun, some of these things can be boring, and sometimes you don’t always want to do what you know is best for you – and that’s ok. As long as you know what’s good for you and understand that the risk of not taking care of yourself might cost you your peace of mind.

Sometimes I still have days where I don’t feel like doing anything, but I make myself go out and do something because I know if I don’t do that, I’m not living life to the fullest. We have to remember that regardless of whatever struggles we may face, we are still responsible for creating our lives – and we are in control of making them as incredible as we want it to be, but we need to put in the work for it to happen.

It may be more challenging for us and more tiring than people who are fortunate enough to not struggle with any mental health issues, but it is worth it because we all deserve to have fun and live amazing lives.

BIO

My name is Kate Malley. I’m 28 years old, from Dublin, and I hope that by sharing my story I can help even just one person. If I can help change someone’s mind that it can get better, I want to help save a life. We are all here to help each other in one way or another and that’s why I’m sharing my story.