About one in every ten marriages ends in separation or divorce, in Ireland. That might seem high, but it is actually the lowest rate of separation and divorce in Europe and the third lowest in the world.
Even if we have a low rate of separation, it doesn’t reduce the impact on children and teenagers, when parents split. The potential for separation to be devastating for them is huge.
Some children hate the fact that they have become “just another statistic” or that now they might be considered by others to be the product of a “broken home”. For some this can lead to feelings of shame and embarrassment.
Separation can lead to huge anxiety about their personal security, about the amount of money that will be available, about the practical arrangements that will have to be made, about how they will maintain friendships and relationships.
Some children or teenagers may fall into anger and blame, determining for themselves who caused the split or whose fault it was. Some may just resent the harm that has been done to them or to their parent.
Because children and teenagers are not the ones to decide that their parents must split it can lead to feelings of powerlessness and lack of control. Children may feel that this is an intrusive act that is being done to them over which they have no influence and it can seem as if their feelings have not been taken into consideration. This, too, can add to feelings of anger and resentment.
Separation also leads to loss of different kinds. For example, children may experience loss of security, loss of their family life, loss of status, or loss of easy contact with one or other parent. These multiple sources of loss may lead to a period of grieving for your child or teenager while they try to come to terms with the changes and the losses inherent in the separation.
Any of the strong feelings associated with separation, like those described above, may threaten to overwhelm your child’s coping strategies. It is as if their emotional well is overflowing. So you may find that they are distractible, moody, resistant or withdrawn.
Some teenagers (and even children), for example, may find that the feelings are so overwhelming that they turn to acting out behaviours like drinking, drug taking, self-harm and suicidal ideation. All of these self-destructive behaviours could be attempts to cope with the strong feelings by blocking them down.
So, for parents who have separated, or are about to separate, it is critical that you consider the needs of your children, as much as you are considering your own needs. There is bound to be some disruption for children, but you can minimise it by considering some of these dos and don’ts:
- Do inform your children or teenagers as completely as possible about things like changes in living arrangements, changes in money, new relationships, plans for divorce and also, crucially about how you can maintain your relationship with them. Try to “sing from the same hymn sheet” with regards to this information.
- Do talk to your child or teenager regularly and often about the separation and as much as you can about the feelings that you and your teenager may have. Showing an openness to talking about the impact of the split may help your child to process their own feelings more effectively.
- Do talk to each other or find ways of communicating positively and directly with each other, especially to avoid using your child as the go-between. It is bad enough to feel stuck in the middle but worse to have to ferry information between warring parents.
- Don’t use your child as a detective. It might be tempting to try to find out what is happening in your ex’s life by quizzing, even casually, your children, but it leaves them in an unfair position as they may feel loyalty to you both and won’t want to betray either of you to the other.
- Don’t criticise each other in front of your teenager. They love both of you and they also have to maintain a relationship with both of you. They are not divorcing either of you and so it is fair for them to have their own relationship, positive or negative, with the other parent, on their own terms.
- Do create time for both of you to be with your children or teenagers. It is impossible to maintain a relationship with someone you have no contact with
- Do try to minimise the changes involved as predictability and routine will help to reduce anxiety about the big things that are changing.
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