I remember looking into the mirror at my reflection next to her in the school toilets. She was small, thin-built, and pretty. Somebody all the kids wanted to be with. Standing next to her, I felt big, overweight and spotty, definitely not pretty and definitely not popular. It didn’t help that I felt vulnerable, lacking in self-belief, in “no man’s land”. I was 9 and we had moved from another country (another continent!). I felt like a fish out of water, a big one at that…
Then a boy started calling me “pizza face” and I wondered what that was about. It didn’t take me long to figure it out, when his next taunt “Massif Central” caught on. It was a French school so that little idiot had decided to use the first letters of my name to refer to me as one of the largest mountain ranges in France. That really stung. I felt so alone, like no one would understand how I felt. Eventually he chose another target. They generally do when they get bored…
What I went through was mild by comparison to what some children have to endure nowadays, in that it didn’t go on for too long and it stopped when I left the school gates. I can only imagine what it must feel like for a child to be taunted day in day out, night in and night out on social media, with no respite to recover or sense of control over the situation.
As a clinician often encountering concerned parents, raising awareness about how bullying can affect children is hugely important given how pervasive and devastating it can be. It affects their sense of belonging which is one of the most basic human needs. Who doesn’t want to BELONG?
What makes it more damaging still is a child’s natural preoccupation with what others think of them, which impacts their already vulnerable and developing sense of selves. Low self-esteem and feeling alone in your struggles is the perfect storm for emerging mental health issues.
As a mother of two young girls, I feel a strong urge to protect them from becoming prey to children like the one who taunted me and also to model compassion and respect so as to help them to develop empathy and prevent them from mistreating others.
At its very core bullying is an abuse of power. This need to feel powerful starts from a very young age, and if children don’t have access to power in healthy ways, they are more likely to abuse it. Children who are hurting inside often hurt other children.
Children don’t find it easy to tell their parents they are being bullied as they may be afraid that it will make things worse. For this reason, parents need to be alert to some tell-tale signs, such as withdrawn behaviour, bouts of crying or irritability, anxiety or reluctance about going certain places, loss of self-confidence, change in sleep patterns or appetite, reluctance to talk, unexplained damage to or loss of possessions and unexplained injuries or bruises.
What do you do when you suspect your child is being bullied? Express your concern about what you have noticed and let them know that you are there for them even if now is not the right time to talk. In this way you are opening up the channels of communication for when they are ready to talk.
Once they are ready, listen carefully to what they have to say without interrupting. Don’t get angry or into “problem-solving mode”, they just need you to listen, validate their feelings and show empathy for how difficult it must be for them (e.g. “So she laughs at what you are wearing, and it makes you feel embarrassed and sad. That sounds really tough. Tell me more about that…”)
By truly listening to your child, you can explore with them what they think would be most helpful as a plan going forward. It may go against your instincts as their protector, but don’t act too quickly as you could be doing more damage than good if you storm into the school red-faced with anger!
If it’s going on in school agree with your child that you will have a chat with their teacher or principal to see if there is anything that can be done to help. You may have to speak to the other child’s parents which can be a difficult thing to do, but as long as it is done calmly and in a “wondering” rather than “accusatory” stance, I have found that it can really help.
Unfortunately other children prey on kids whom they perceive as vulnerable, so try to help your child in building their assertiveness skills and self-esteem. Practice some ways of responding with your child (e.g. role play looking the other child in the eye and saying “Stop that! I chose my clothes because I like them”; count to ten and stay calm; walking away to find a friend or a teacher).
Encourage your child to build a network of supportive friends as they are hugely protective. Your child may need professional help and a space to heal. Positively reinforce their successes in coping as “courage is the mastery of fear, not the absence of fear” (Mark Twain).
My suggestions also apply to children accused of bullying, as they are lashing out from a place of real need which, without adequate support and understanding, can unfortunately deteriorate.
There is no such thing as bully-proofing your child as their paths will cross with someone who abuses power. Rather than wrapping them in cotton wool, support them in sharing their feelings and empower them to develop the skills to protect themselves. This will strengthen their emotional resilience as they grow older, and better equip them to manage life’s inevitable ups and downs.
For more on finding the balance between protecting and empowering your child against bullying and tips on cyberbullying, click here for my recent radio podcast.
For more information on my work, go to drmaliecoyne.ie