An extract from The Positive Habit
Love, calmness, confidence, gratitude, hope and happiness: these are the six emotions that tip the balance of our mindset in favour of a positive outlook rather than a negative one. Wouldn’t it be great to feel more of these positive emotions? In her new book, The Positive Habit, Fiona Brennan helps readers embrace their negative thoughts and cultivate a positive mindset, through six practical steps, which are grounded in the science of habit, mindfulness, positive psychology and neuroscience. This edited extract explores the habit of calmness and how to inhabit it.
What Does Calmness Mean to You?
The origins of the word ‘calm’ come from the ancient Greek word kauma, which means ‘heat’, specifically that of the midday sun when everyone winds down due to the intense heat; there really is no choice but to retreat inside to escape this heat and to have the all-important siesta. In Greek mythology, Pasithea was one of the graces of relaxation, meditation and altered states of consciousness and she was married to Hypnos, the god of sleep. This could explain the roots of why hypnotherapy is so calming.
Feeling calm is the ultimate expression of empowerment.
Authentic calmness differs from pretending to be calm, which is what many people do when underneath there is a turmoil of emotion. Faking any positive emotion always does more harm than good – it is dishonest both to yourself and to others. Many people strive to create calmness in their external environment, for example by keeping everything tidy and/or attempting to control the people they love. This need for control is common and often stems from a need to feel safe and secure. Unfortunately, this type of control has the opposite effect and creates untold stress and tension both in ourselves and in our relationships.
The place where you have real control is in your mind: nobody else can mess it up unless you allow them to. A calm mind is the highest expression of self-control – no matter how much laundry needs to be done or how many tasks remain unticked on your to-do list. Calmness is one core positive emotional habit that will serve you well both physically and mentally. When calm, serotonin (the neurotransmitter linked to good mood and a greater sense of wellbeing) and oxytocin (commonly known as the love hormone) are released in the brain as a protective balm to help you feel secure.
Is Calmness an Emotion?
Although not immediately identifiable as an emotion, calmness is a psychological state that softens and soothes negative emotions like anxiety and stress but also softens anger and frustration. It is the state that encourages the other five emotional habits. Being calm deepens your ability to love and to connect with people, as they feel safer in your company. In addition, your focus is sharper, so you feel more confident; and you notice more of the goodness in your life, so you feel grateful. Calmness opens up space for you to feel hope in a crisis and ultimately it is a key component of happiness. Many of my clients report feeling more and more calm as they progress on their journey. It is an integral rung on the ladder to your happiness, as it is hard to feel joy while you are stressed.
The Calmness Quiz
Take a moment to answer the following questions, which will further help you to identify how calm you are. Allocate one point for each ‘Yes’ answer.
In the last month, have you:
- Worried a lot about something bad happening that in the end turned out just fine?
- Had trouble sleeping because your mind was too busy with racing thoughts and/or your heart was pounding?
- Worried about being late/not having enough time?
- Had problems with your digestion?
- Experienced shallow breathing because of anxious thoughts before an exam, presentation, important meeting at work, or awkward social meeting?
- Lost your train of thought in a conversation and found it hard to focus on what the other person is saying?
- Avoided social occasions by making up an excuse or white lie, or simply not turned up because you couldn’t face people?
- Felt overly concerned if someone was late that something bad happened to them?
- Felt overwhelmed by having too much to do?
- Felt intense anxiety of panic?
Score: __/10
A score of three or more ‘Yes’ answers indicates that your calmness levels need love and attention.
The Huge Gap Between Feeling Anxious and Chronic Anxiety
Having answered the questions in the quiz above, you will be more aware of the areas you need to work on and, in particular, your stress and anxiety levels. The higher the number of ‘Yes’ answers you gave, the more likely you are to be suffering from chronic anxiety and therefore the more you need to bring the habit of calmness into your daily life. It is important at this stage to clarify the difference between occasional feelings of anxiety, which we all have, and chronic anxiety. A healthy level of nerves before an exam or presentation is very different from living in a state of constant fear and worry. Chronic anxiety has many physical manifestations and if you suffer from it, your body will most definitely let you know.
Tick each of the following ailments that you have suffered from in the last month:
- Tightness or knot-like feeling in the chest
- Pounding heart
- Shallow breathing – getting out of breath very quickly even if you are fit
- Dry mouth
- Sweating hands
- Blushing, particularly in social situations
- Constricted throat
- Headaches
- Dizziness
- Shaking or trembling
- Difficulty in speaking clearly
- Constant muscle tension – often in the shoulders and back
- IBS symptoms – poor indigestion, bloated stomach, diarrhoea and/or constipation
- The worst of all – insomnia!
Observe these physical symptoms in the coming days and notice if they are aggravated by stress, anxiety or fraught thoughts and situations. Living with even one of the above symptoms every day is a toxic cocktail that can be exhausting. Such symptoms can be completely overwhelming and seriously hinder your ability to cope with everyday stresses and challenges. If your anxiety has been there for years untreated you may not even notice these symptoms and think that it is normal to feel this way. Henry David Thoreau, author of the 1854 classic book Walden, commented: ‘The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.’ Thoreau lived and breathed the spirit of a calm and mindful life; in Walden he recounts how he retreated to live in a simple log cabin for two years simply to be with nature. While this may not be practical, appropriate or even desirable for most of us, cultivating inner stillness is paramount for positive mental health.
As you complete this self-exploratory exercise, and if you are already reading The Positive Habit, listen along to the online morning- and sleep-time audio rituals, and you will begin to notice the gradual lessening and eventual absence of any chronic physical discomfort. At the same time, you will begin to experience the freedom of living with a healthy body and a calm mind. The reward of feeling healthy and strong starts to drive your behaviour and to create a positive habit. In order to reinforce this habit, you need to pay close attention to the physical benefits that positivity brings by regularly asking yourself the following questions:
- What does the absence of pain and discomfort feel like?
- What does normal, healthy digestion feel like?
- What does it feel like to have more energy?
- What does it feel like to sleep deeply and peacefully and to wake up refreshed?
You are now training your body and mind to see, feel and live the rewards of the calmness habit. If you have become used to living with chronic anxiety, now is the time to change the habit of stress to the habit of calmness. Remember, I am with you each calm step of the way guiding and helping.
The Physical Rewards of Inhabiting a Calm Body
Some of the many benefits of a calm body are:
Your sleep improves.
This is logical. When you feel calm your conscious mind easily switches off and lets the subconscious take over. This is one of the prime advantages of listening to your sleep-time hypnotherapy audio: you are teaching your conscious mind to trust your subconscious mind; when you fall asleep, instead of tossing and turning and worrying about the next day, listening to the powerful positive suggestions naturally aids a peaceful night’s sleep and, at the same time, helps you to change negative thought patterns into positive ones.
Your chance of disease is lessened.
The stress hormone, cortisol. leads to high levels of inflammation in the body. Researchers have found that chronic stress changes the gene activity of immune cells before they enter the bloodstream so that they are ready to fight infection or trauma – even when there is no infection or trauma to fight. It is this that leads to inflammation. If you have any illness which causes inflammation such as arthritis, heart disease or early signs of ageing, keeping calm will decrease the symptoms and give your body a chance to fight the illness.
You will lose weight and/or maintain a healthy weight.
You make healthier food choices when you feel calm. When we are stressed we often grab ‘convenience’ food which is often carbohydrate-heavy and contains high levels of sugar, salt and fat. Psychologists term this behaviour ‘cognitive overload’, which occurs when we feel too overwhelmed to make healthy choices and settle for the easiest and quickest option. If you are busy but have a calm mind you are more likely to make sure you have access to healthy foods.
You will experience fewer muscle spasms.
When you are stressed your body uses up a lot of magnesium to try to relax the muscles. It stands to reason that if you are chronically stressed you will have less magnesium in your system and suffer from back and shoulder pain and stiffness.
Your digestion will improve.
The parasympathetic system activates healthy digestion, and this only happens properly when you are feeling calm. For some people with even mild anxiety, having an upset stomach is a regular feature and this often involves difficulties with bowel movements, cramps and feeling bloated. This can be exhausting and is an extra drain on the body’s resources. A drop in magnesium levels in the body caused by stress can also lead to constipation.
Three Key Takeaways on Calmness
- Calmness could save your life in an emergency – your brain can focus and come up with solutions much more quickly.
- Follow your breath, not your thoughts; the way to calm the mind is through the body, not the mind.
- The physical rewards of being calm are multiple and will help you to feel strong and healthy.
Daily Practice: The Calmness Habit
- If you are waiting in a queue or stuck in traffic, take the opportunity to take seven deep belly breaths. Do these often and before any event that could cause you to feel stressed or anxious such as a meeting, a presentation, a social event.
- Visualise your mind as a calm lake or sea, still and peaceful and with depth.
- If you make a mistake, say to yourself, ‘It’s okay, it could happen to anyone’.
- Show yourself compassion as you would with someone you love.
- Spend as much time as you can in nature – being out in nature is life-affirming and calming.
This is an edited extract from The Positive Habit: 6 Steps for Transforming Negative Thoughts to Positive Emotions by Fiona Brennan. Published by Gill Books, priced at €16.99, it is available in all bookshops and online now.
About the Author:
Fiona Brennan is a clinical hypnotherapist, mindfulness and NLP practitioner, mental-health expert on TodayFM, TEDx speaker, blogger and an ambassador for positivity in the media. With a busy clinic and a long waiting list, Fiona launched her online, five-star rated hypnotherapy programme in 2016 which now helps people all over the world. For more information visit fionabrennanhypnotherapy.com.
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