Even if you’re very worried about a loved one’s mental health, it can be very daunting to think about broaching the subject with them. These are some general tips that might help you when you are preparing to have that conversation; they are not meant to substitute a professional’s advice. If you are very worried about a loved one’s mental health, please contact a professional, such as your GP.
1. Make sure you’re prepared
How are you feeling in relation to your own mental health? Do you have the time that it may take to have this type of conversation with your loved one? Are you genuinely ready to listen? Remember, your loved one may not respond in the way that you expect or want. You may not have all the answers. It is a good idea to have researched the details of how to access some support services for mental health beforehand. You might also familiarise yourself with the symptoms of some common mental health problems.
2. Choose the right time and setting
Try to find somewhere that is quiet, comfy, and private. Think about a time that might be good for them. Some people find it easier to talk about difficult topics when they are walking alongside the other person, rather than sitting face-to-face, so maybe you could suggest going for a walk together.
3. Start the conversation in an open way
‘Feelings’ may not be a regular topic of conversation between you and your loved one, but try not to feel nervous. It can help to start the conversation in an open way. You could ask something like “How have you been lately?”
4. Be specific about what has made you feel concerned
You could say something like “I’ve noticed that you haven’t seemed yourself lately. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?” Mention the specific things about your loved one’s behaviour that have led you to feel concerned. It could be that they are less chatty than usual, or seem very tired all the time.
5. Let them know that you are listening
Show that you are listening by being mindful of your body language. Try to avoid crossing your arms and legs. Put away your phone and any other distractions.
6. Listen without judgement
Take what they are saying seriously. Don’t interrupt them, and let them take the time they need. Sit patiently with silence if it happens. You could ask something like “How long have you been feeling this way?” Remember that they did not choose to feel this way, and can’t just snap out of it, cheer up, or forget about it.
7. Try to stay calm
If your loved one gets angry or upset, let them know that you are asking because you care about them. If they deny they have a problem, don’t criticise them. You could ask, “Is there anyone else you would prefer to talk to about this?” or say “If you would like to talk about this some other time, I’m here to listen”. Stay calm and don’t take it personally.
8. Help them to figure out their next steps
Help them to think about one or two things that could help them to manage their situation better. For example, some people find it helpful to actually schedule in an hour every week to spend with friends, or to go for a walk. If they’re feeling overwhelmed by their workload at school or college, maybe they could talk to a teacher, tutor, or lecturer.
If necessary, encourage them to see a doctor or other professional. This is particularly important if they’ve been feeling really down for more than two weeks. You could say, “It might be useful to link in with someone who can support you. I’m happy to help you to find right person to talk to.”
If they have been experiencing some of the following symptoms continuously for more than two weeks, please urge them to see their GP:
Low mood – sadness – guilt – no motivation – no hope – anxiety – feeling helpless – loss in interest in things usually enjoyed – change in appetite (over-eating or no interest in food) – no energy – change in sleeping habits (over-sleeping or not getting any sleep) – irritability – low self-esteem – low tolerance – crying for no apparent reason – indecisive – avoiding contact with friends and family – lack of interest in sex – finding difficulties at work – suicidal thoughts – thoughts of harming self.
If you feel as though the person you care about is considering suicide, do not leave them alone and seek professional help immediately. You can call the emergency services at 999.
9. Follow up
You could send them a text afterwards to thank them for sharing their experiences with you. Set a reminder on your phone, or make a note in your diary, to call them in a few days or weeks (depending on how much they are struggling) to check in on how they’re feeling.
10. Be patient
Understand that sometimes it can take a long time for someone to be ready to see a professional. We can’t rush this or force someone to seek support. Instead, remain optimistic about the benefits of getting help and try not to judge them. Don’t take it personally if they turn down invitations to parties or other social events. Stay in touch and be there for them. Genuine care and concern can make a real difference.
11. Keep following up
Stay in regular contact with your friend; whether it’s sending them a text message, or calling them regularly, it’s important that they know you haven’t forgotten about them. You could say something like, “I’ve been thinking of you and wanted to know how you’ve been since we last chatted.” Ask if they’ve found a better way to manage the situation. If they haven’t done anything, don’t judge them. They might just need someone to listen to them for the moment.
12. Take care of yourself
That may sound odd but if you’re not feeling emotionally strong yourself, you may find supporting someone through depression overwhelming. Some of the feelings you may be dealing with yourself are feelings of guilt, fear, anger, resentment, frustration, sadness and helplessness. It is normal for you to feel like this and vitally important that you too have a support network to help you through these feelings.
Take time out. Supporting someone through depression is by no means easy. At times you will need to dig deep to show patience, compassion and unconditional love to someone who is negative, despondent and moody. You may find that you feel exhausted, taken for granted and emotionally drained. This is often when you need to take a bit of a step back and make time for you. Seek support from other friends and family, do something you enjoy and don’t feel bad about doing so. You are not being selfish. You will find it hard to offer encouragement and support if you aren’t feeling well yourself.
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