We all have an internal ‘narrator’ in our heads. It’s like an ongoing newsreader that’s usually unkind, judgmental, and quite critical. Part of it is just how our brains work but a larger part of this ongoing unhelpful commentary is a habit of thought. We tend to hear this mean newsreader loudest when we hit our teens and after a while we don’t notice it as much but if you pay attention you can start to hear it again.
These narrators show up in pregnancy quite vocally too and if you don’t fire them they’ll hang around to derail your intentions for being the best Mum you can be.
For most of us our narrators sound a bit like Alan Rickman or some other villainous character with a unique voice. I had a chorus of Alan Rickman, Jack Nicholson (“you can’t handle the truth”) and other less than gentle commentators after I had my first baby. I never realised that that the gentle, wise Morgan Freeman was sitting in the background just waiting for an invitation to step forward onto the stage of my mind and change my entire outlook on breastfeeding, being a good Mum and the world in general.
One of the biggest challenges for a new breastfeeding Mum is the way you think about breastfeeding (those commentators have strong opinions about how things SHOULD be done). The way you think about breastfeeding has been heavily influenced by how others think about it; those who have breastfed and those who haven’t.
Thinking in itself isn’t the problem. Believing everything you think IS! We get so caught up in the thoughts and expectations about being a Mum, but you are not your thoughts or feelings. You can learn how to step back mindfully, watch them, choose a different response and choose a more gentle, compassionate narrator to help you along the way.
Before you became a Mum your expectations about breastfeeding probably went something like this – your partner arrives in from work as you’re snuggling by the fire with my calm and quiet newborn as she drinks in that liquid gold. Her body gets heavier in your arms as she drifts off into peaceful slumber full and content. You place her gently into her bassinet and you settle in for some quiet time with your partner and catch up on the day, satisfied after a fulfilling day of mothering.
Lovely thoughts indeed but not reality for most of us. More like your partner arrives in from work to an exhausted, teary mum and crying baby. Angry exchanges begin starting with “you’re late!” Your bewildered partner asks – “is there any dinner?” We all know how that story ends.
For many, this is the reality of those intense few weeks adjusting to your new arrival. The reality is that for most Mums it is HARD. So those ideas of what breastfeeding SHOULD be like needs to be retired (Alan Rickman et al love ‘should-ing’ it in your face). Arguing with reality won’t change it and thinking it ‘should’ be a different way’ will only make you more unhappy. You’ll waste so much time and energy continuing to struggle with reality, desperately trying to wrestle ‘reality’ to the ground and make it into something else but that’s not happening.
This is the 3rd night in a row you’ve been up with an unsettled baby and you are exhausted. Your train of thought is probably something like “not AGAIN……what am I doing wrong? I’m so tired. Is it my milk? Maybe she’s not getting enough? What if she’s starving? Why is this so hard? Everyone else’s babies seem to be sleeping. Why can’t she just sleep? I’m just not able for this. I’m getting the bottles tomorrow and Paul can get up and feed him. I don’t get a break all day and he gets to sleep. I just want her to sleep. This is so hard……”
You’ll notice that this internal ongoing narrative happening in your mind is quite judgmental, critical and not very gentle. Notice how your train of negative thoughts is now picking up speed, thanks to those nasty narrators. When we fall into the habit of responding to a stressful situation on autopilot it’s like you’ve fallen asleep on the train (of thought). You wake up and realise you’ve gone way past your stop and it’s taking you miles and miles away from where you should be. The thing is you get to decide if you’ll stay on the train taking you further away from your intended destination (to be the best Mum you can be) or get off at the next stop and head back so you can take some mindful action if necessary to help solve your sleep/breastfeeding challenges.
Along with the self critical judgmental thoughts you’re also probably experiencing the unsettling emotions of frustration, anger, sadness maybe even inadequacy. You feel short changed and hard done by. This is NOT what you thought you were signing up for and you wonder if it’s just you who’s finding things hard (it can certainly feel that way).
Physically your heart rate is increasing, you may have a knot in your stomach, your breathing has quickened. Your body is tightly wound, your muscles are contracted. Your thoughts about what’s happening have become a runaway train picking up speed and heading for disaster, they’ve triggered a cascade of emotional responses and kicked off the stress response. You feel overwhelmed, mentally, emotionally and physically and there’s just no room to think rationally and take mindful action and you’re far from connected to your baby on this runaway train.
Mindfulness can’t help you change the situation but can help you become more gentle (with yourself and your baby) when things are happening that are out of your control. You can meet the challenges without immediately reacting to them. With practice it gives you a stable base to act from so you can be the Mum you intended to be.
It doesn’t make the thoughts/feelings go away but changes how you relate and react to those thoughts and feelings. Nothing is good or bad. It just is. Mindfulness is usually defined as moment to moment non-judgmental awareness of the present moment and meeting it with gentleness and compassion and meeting things the way they are. It doesn’t mean you have to like what’s happening (especially at 3am).
When you become a Mum so much unnecessary pain is caused by the idea that things ‘should’ be a certain way (according to the experts, the books, your past experiences and expectations). The idea that things aren’t as they ‘should be’ is a pathway to ongoing unnecessary pain and suffering. “It ‘should’ be different and until it’s different I can’t be happy”. Breastfeeding ‘should’ be easier than this. Millions of women breastfeed every day, I ‘should’ be able to do this.” The reality is that right now it’s not easy for you, you’re having problems getting your baby to latch and you need to decide what to do next.
How can you meet this experience as it is and find a solution from a calm, more gentle place?
That’s where Morgan Freeman can help.
In similar circumstances when you feel upset in some way notice that train of thought – the ‘shoulds’ – and the ever present judging self critical mind. Take a few breaths. Pay attention to how those thoughts show up in your body and let’s go through an experience together approaching it like you would your best friend.
Mindfulness of thoughts, emotions and body
What’s happening right now: The baby won’t sleep and now he’s not latching.
Thoughts and Emotions: “I’m bloody exhausted. I’m annoyed with my son and I feel guilty for being annoyed with him. This shouldn’t be so hard. Breastfeeding is ‘supposed’ to be natural. I’m angry that I’m finding this so hard. Nobody tells you how hard it is. It’s so frustrating that he just won’t do what he’s ‘supposed’ to do. I really wanted to breastfeed but I can’t keep going like this. I’m getting bottles tomorrow and Paul can do some feeds so I can sleep. I can’t believe I’m such a failure at breastfeeding, how come my sister found it so easy?”
Body: My body is tense, my face feels red, my breathing has increased.
What’s the real problem in this scenario?
- You are tired.
- Your baby is hungry.
- It’s the middle of the night and he won’t latch properly.
This is all that’s happening right now. These are the facts (cue some Law and Order music). But it’s the stories you’re telling yourself that’s causing the most distress.
Are you liking what’s happening? Nope!
The latch can nearly always be fixed. Babies do eventually sleep more but it might not be tomorrow, or even 5 months from now. These are temporary problems. The problem isn’t that you’re tired (yes it definitely sucks and nobody enjoys being exhausted) or that your baby isn’t latching properly. The problem is the way you’re thinking about it. It’s a train of thought – but you get to decide if you’ll stay on that train.
If you were talking to your best friend in this situation what would you say to her? Maybe something like this (in your best Morgan Freeman voice).
“Take a deep breath. It’s okay. It can be really stressful when they won’t latch on right away. This is a really intense time in your life and you’re exhausted. No wonder you’re feeling so down – this is a lot to handle right now. Crying is how your daughter communicates with you – she’s doing the best she can too. It can be really hard in the beginning but you’re doing great. Why don’t you call Cuidiu in the morning and get some help.”
Talking to yourself gently and mindfully like your best friend would talk to you (or Morgan Freeman) takes practice. You have to catch yourself being critical. Often we don’t even notice we’re doing it because this running commentary has been going on for so long, but if you pay attention you’ll feel it in your gut.
In pregnancy and new parenting so many things feel out of control. Your body is doing strange things. Your hormones are making you weepy. Your baby won’t sleep. Pregnancy is a great time to start practicing mindfulness so you get to practice this skill before you baby arrives. You’re learning that instead of trying to control the uncontrollable (wresting with reality) it’s so much easier to learn how to think about these uncontrollable’s differently. You can’t always change your outer world but your inner world can change.
Your MF – Mindfulness (Morgan Freeman) practice can help you increase your tolerance for stressful moments with your baby, partner and the world in general and approach parenting from a more compassionate, gentle place.
The next time you find the negative nellies (Alan Rickman et al) starting……
- Take a few deep breaths. Just focus on your breathing especially the pause between breaths.
- Notice what thoughts you’re having i.e. “I don’t have enough milk”
- Notice and name the feelings you’re experiencing: Frustration, sadness, anger, irritation, fear, guilt.
- Notice the body sensations that accompany these thoughts/feelings: tightness, knots, racing heart.
When you focus on your breathing for a few moments that train of thought keeps going but it doesn’t pick up speed, it loses momentum. You can watch the train and those thoughts pass by – as a bystander or as if you’re in the countryside the train is travelling through. You don’t have to get on the train, you can let it pass you by. These are just thoughts. They are not facts.
You are not your thoughts.
Of course Alan Rickman still shows up every now and then and derails my train of thought towards an unexpected destination, (we’re only human) but if I take a few moments to focus on my breathing and notice my thoughts and sensations Morgan Freeman isn’t too far behind.
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