Helping children overcome a traumatic event

It is with great sadness that I write this piece in the aftermath of yet another tragic event which was beyond devastating for those who lost their lives and their loved ones, for those injured, and for those who witnessed the terror and survived. Such events can also be traumatic for those looking on as footage is repeated over and over again on our screens, which can be distressing for adults and most particularly for our children. I have two very young daughters of my own and feel this strong urge to shield them as best I can from the devastation of these cold-blooded acts of violence.

Most of us survive in this world by believing it to be ‘safe’ place; otherwise we would not set foot outside the door. Not only do such tragedies culminate in a significant loss of life, but for many others looking on, it can shatter this very core belief that the world is a ‘safe’ place, one which we can rely on. Nobody expects to be having a wonderful time one minute and to find themselves in the middle of a living nightmare the next.

In the aftermath, parents will find themselves picking up the pieces of what happened and trying to make sense of it. Whilst any traumatic event can leave adults feeling helpless, children are particularly reactive to events which make them feel unsafe. Children who are directly exposed to such events can become traumatised, the emotional impact of which can last a very long time if professional supports are not put in place in time. Similarly, there is evidence to suggest that children who are not directly exposed to the event can also be traumatised by viewing it through repetitive and sometimes graphic news broadcasts, through social media, through schoolmates, etc.

Based on my experience of working with children and families following traumatic events, I felt compelled to share some information on the signs of trauma to look out and how to help children to understand and cope following such an event.

Children are actually quite resilient when dealing with traumatic events but it’s good to know the possible signs that your child may be experiencing post-traumatic problems including:

• anxious, “edgy”, nervous, agitated
• aggressive, either verbally or physically
• flashbacks or repetitive nightmares
• won’t sleep in their own bed
• easily startled by noises or situations similar to the traumatic event
• reverts to “younger-age” behaviours like bedwetting, nail biting, thumb sucking
• difficulty concentrating
• refuses to go to school
• won’t talk about what happened
• becomes very dependent and clingy
• relationship problems with siblings and friends
• personality seems a bit “different” than before
• loss of interest and enjoyment in life

If your child experiences several of the above signs or if any of them persist for over a month or significantly impact on their functioning, this could be a sign of a traumatic reaction requiring support from a qualified mental health professional at the earliest opportunity for the best outcome.

Furthermore, parents play a pivotal role in navigating their children’s understanding of traumatic events and supporting them through it. As a parent, it is natural to feel trepidation and have difficulty answering your children’s questions as you may be processing what has happened yourself. Like adults, children need to talk about their feelings.

Here are my top 10 tips for supporting your children:

1. Reassure your children that you will do everything to keep them and your family safe.
2. Get a sense of what your child already knows about the event. It is likely that they have heard about it already so it’s important that parents play an active role in helping them to understand the event. Give them an honest but simple explanation about what happened (e.g. “A very bad person did…. You are safe and our family is safe. The police / the bosses of the law are doing their best to make sure this doesn’t happen again”). Adapt your explanation depending on their age and level of interest. You know your child best.
3. Let children share any worries or fears with you, take their distress seriously and acknowledge their experience as valid for them. Ask your child from time to time how they are feeling about the event and give them permission to talk, as the post-traumatic effects may occur later than you expect. On the other hand, don’t dwell unnecessarily on the events or bombard them with questions as this could raise their anxiety levels.
4. Young children may not have words to describe their feelings, but given the opportunity they may play out scenes of the traumatic event e.g. role playing a tragic scene. You may worry that this is damaging for your child but playing out their feelings and reactions is likely to help your child to cope better, so allow them to play whilst showing acceptance of their feelings. Of course limits should be set if the child is playing in a way which is dangerous to themselves or others. Denial of your child’s feelings can lead to bigger problems later on.
5. For older children, be available, listen carefully, watch for times when your child ready to talk (preferably side to side as opposed to face to face e.g. in the car, during homework, at bed time). Give honest answers. If you don’t know the answer, tell them you will come back with it. Don’t be afraid to show your feelings in front of your children as it helps them to see that these reactions are normal and can provide good coping models.
6. Children may need more physical contact and cuddles at this time. Don’t worry if they want to sleep in your room at night as they may need this extra security for a little while.
7. Try to keep to normal routines and activities as much as possible, e.g. getting a good night’s sleep, eating well, going to school, family meals, attendance at clubs, play dates etc.
8. Limit children’s exposure to violent films or TV programmes and news broadcasts as children do not have the reasoning abilities or coping mechanisms to deal with repeated views of people in distress which may be very upsetting for them at this time.
9. Seek the help of a qualified mental health professional if your child is finding it difficult to return to their normal activities or if they show persistent trauma signs after one month.
10. If you are feeling overwhelmed, access the support you need to process your own feelings so you can remain emotionally available to your child with what they are going through.

Following a traumatic event it can be quite common for children to develop minor problems such as bed wetting, stomach pains, concentration difficulties, sleep problems, and withdrawal from normal social activities at a time like this. However, with parental awareness and support, these problems are usually temporary and resolve in time. My heart goes out to those affected by the recent tragedy. I count myself blessed that my little girls are sleeping soundly in their beds tonight.

Help information

If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.

• Samaritans 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
• Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
• Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)

If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:

• iacp.ie
• iahip.org
• counsellingdirectory.ie