Healing through shame as Gay or Bi men

I would really like to share something with you. Something that I’ve been thinking about. I’ve been thinking about shame and how we, as gay and bi-men, experience shame. How we experience shame in the context of anti-gayness, a very deep social issue. As well as not being wholly equipped to come-of-age with our sexuality as adolescents. Even from a very young age, we begin to internalise negative stereotypes and harmful ideologies about gay people.

Most of us carry these internalised beliefs about gayness into our adult lives and have pretty devastating effects on our nervous system, self-esteem, and emotional wellness. Also, the delay in coming out to ourselves and our loved ones can have a negative impact on how we self-actualise.

I’ve also been thinking about ways in which we can gently navigate through these often-painful emotions and then begin to make peace with our shame.

Shame forces us to stop in our tracks. We freeze up and get stuck. Frozen and unable to move towards building a life, doing work, and having the relationships that can ultimately bring us fulfillment.  Shame provokes and reinforces unhealthy behaviors. When unchecked these strong emotions contribute to developing self-loathing, low self-esteem, addiction, food challenges and isolation. In my opinion, shame is a response to our society and family consistently attempting to deny us as gay and bi men. So, we either need to seek refuge in safe spaces and/or walk on public eggshells.

I want to be real with you about shame, and its effects on our bodies. I believe learning how to be more self-aware, you can truly begin to move through the sharpness of shame, and begin feeling good about yourself.

YOU are worthy.

YOU matter.

Before I offer a few suggestions on how you can begin to heal through shame, starting right now, I’m going to share a recent experience I had and how shame stopped me from standing in my truth.

THE SCARY INTERVIEW 

During a recent college interview with an admissions counselor, where I’m considering attending for my master’s degree, I was asked a question.

A simple question. (but so loaded)

They asked, “With whom would you like to work with as a therapist?”

I immediately began to feel warmth, shortness-of breath and a little self-conscious. I felt as though I was put on the spot. Centre stage. All eyes on me.

I told the admissions counselor that I wanted to work with men.

So… He repeated the question. Again, I felt as though I couldn’t disclose that I am gay and that I want to work with gay and bi-men. I had actually avoided his question. You see, he wasn’t asking what kind of therapy I wanted to practice, he wanted to know which population I was interested in working with. So he could better assess my academic needs. I mean, he was doing his job as an advisor. And he was kind and patient.

WHAT HAPPENED?

After I had some time to look back and process my discomfort, I understood that I didn’t want him to know that I’m gay. So, instead, I deflected. I avoided using the word “gay” because I felt in doing so would be threatening. These uncomfortable feelings that start bubbling up in us, these are feelings and sensations we really need to pay attention to.

Just know feelings are going to feel messy AF. Remember, they aren’t good or bad. They aren’t wrong or right. They just are. They’re valid, but they don’t have to run our lives. Sometimes, you may feel as though you want to curl up in a ball and just hide, or smack someone, and as painful as shame can feel, we can move through it.

I promise.

When we are able to recognise when shame rears it’s prickly ass head, if we can name the emotion and trigger and process, we can move through it to the other side.

By the way, the next day I had another interview and I proudly stood in my truth, and said, “I want to work with helping gay and bi-men heal through shame.”  Whew! It felt liberating and empowering! It still felt uncomfortable and hard (because we’re human and nothing is perfect), but I was able to stand in my truth because I recognised that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Even though our humanity is always compromised, that is just truth, but who we are IS natural and special, and no matter how scary it may feel, we can take a stand in claiming our humanity.

I created these suggestions with you in mind. Remember, this isn’t a perfect practice. Give yourself permission to be ok with the messiness of life. And perhaps the next time you feel shame, you will give him a voice, listen to him, and stand in your beautiful and powerful truth as a gay or bi-man.

5 Suggestions For Healing Through Shame 

1. Recognising Shame. How do we know when we’re feeling shame? That painfully nudging, pit-in-your-stomach-feeling that you are just not worth it. You feel a sense of self-loathing and just want to isolate. Or maybe you are not an isolator but your shame manifests in other ways. First, after we achieve self-awareness, we can name those emotions and triggers. I think it’s important, to be honest with ourselves and name a thing, a thing. For what it is. To lay it all out there. To look in the mirror and admit when we feel like shit. Shame comes up differently for different people, but I know from experience as a gay person, and from hearing from many LGBTQ people, shame can be one of the main reasons why we have a hard time claiming our dreams.

2. Giving Shame a Voice. You know, it’s interesting. What is the one thing you believe we desire the most – deep down inside? To be seen? To be witnessed? to be loved? There isn’t one right answer. I mean, it’s all of it. It can be all of those. I believe at the core of our being we ultimately want to feel safe. Shame convinces us that we aren’t safe. That our inner little boy who is so desperately wanting someone to tell him that he is going to be safe, that he is beautiful and that he matters.

3. Allowing Shame to Surface When You Feel It. YIKES! Who wants to feel the feels? Well, we feel the feels, but can own them? Try your best to allow feelings of shame to gently and safely surface and just be. Without self-judgment. Yeah, I know. Easier said than done.  BUT… Slowly work towards allowing these sensations to move through your body. It’s in forcing them away chaos ensues. Shame not only manifests in our brains but also in our bodies. Our nervous system experiences these emotions, and often times we don’t know what to do with them, because they feel so powerful and uncomfortable. We numb our feelings with food, drugs, alcohol, or porn. I know this is easier said than done, and in no way would I suggest that anyone can do this with ease because that would be untrue and a disservice. But you will want to get to a place where you can feel you can manage those emotions.

4. All of This Takes Time. Working on ourselves isn’t a perfect practice and it takes time to learn how to self-love and care. When I started therapy (the first time) I wanted the changes to come fast. Without actually doing any of the work. After several attempts at therapy, I finally understood that healing is a process. And we need to allow that process to take the time it needs.

5. Reach Out For Support. There is this idea that gets shuffled around in our society that we must work hard and that we are the only person responsible for change our own life. Yes, sometimes self-care is hard work, and yes, it is up to us personally to make decisions that will support change, we never change or heal or grow alone. Nor should we. We need people to witness us. To see our humanity. To give us feedback. We need community and the safeness to be vulnerable. My point is, don’t go it alone. Whether you work with a therapist, a life-coach or confide in a close friend with whom you trust, you will be so much better off than attempting to do this work alone.