Hands up if you’ve ever been late: Self-compassion and your brain

“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others” – Christopher Germer

Have you ever been late for anything, perhaps even in the last six months? When you were late, did you give yourself a break for it or did you tell yourself “why didn’t you leave earlier? God, you’re so disorganised. You’re always late, it’s not rocket science. People are sitting around waiting for you. This is so embarrassing, you’re such an idiot.” Your face may be giving you away now, it’s a familiar message. The voice of that critic at once familiar and shaming.

Flip it on its head, and think back to the last time you shouted at someone who was late meeting you. That time you screamed at them, calling them disorganised, an idiot, always late, embarrassing – Jesus Amy, it’s not rocket science to get here on f***ing time!”.
“Who the hell does that?” you might say. Exactly. That would be weird, horrible, an over-reaction, over the top, dreadful. So why do we do it to ourselves, yet not to others? Why are we more likely to call ourselves an embarrassing idiot, but say to Amy that of course she couldn’t have known the traffic would be that bad, sure it’s so hard to get out of the house on time, and it’s is so weird that you can’t find that pair of shoes when you need them, and time flies doesn’t it, ah will you stop you’re grand, sure you’re here now and sure I was only in waiting a minute and sure oh my God didn’t I do the exact same thing last week!

Because most of us are nice to people most of the time, but we’re damn experts at self-criticism.

The word ‘compassion’ has a Latin root (compassionem), meaning to “suffer with”, and is often defined in relation to others – feeling pity, sympathy, understanding and concern for the suffering of others. Definitions will often include some reference to a desire to alleviate that suffering or pain. Self-compassion can be interpreted as feeling some concern for or understanding of our own suffering; with some drive or desire to alleviate it. It is often felt though that compassion for others is much easier than compassion for yourself. This may be because self-compassion is confused with traits which are considered undesirable, like self-pity or being self-absorbed. Or it may be viewed within a more evolutionary framework, where self-criticism can drive “achievement” behaviours in order to prove your worth or to gain material wealth. This accumulation of material wealth, considered attractive, may inadvertently reward self-criticism.

Internal and external events elicit the same body and brain responses

Self-compassion and self-criticism are both associated with significant and predictable effects in the brain and body, in both the long and short term. The mechanisms by which these effects occur generally relate to the stress and pain responses and associated physiological mechanisms on the one hand, and responses to love and social contact on the other. Here, it is essential to remember that physiological responses in the brain and body can be elicited equally by internal events (e.g. thoughts, memories) and external events (e.g. interactions with peers, threatening stimuli).

It is useful when trying to understand our responses to consider that our brains interpret self-criticism as a threat. Internal negative self-evaluation (e.g. “I did such a bad job”, “nobody likes me”, “I’m so horrible, I shouldn’t have said that to my Mum”, “I’m such an idiot”), which is a stressor, is interpreted as threatening by the brain, activating a predictable sequence of responses.

One of the main mechanisms of the “fight or flight” response, the Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) system, becomes activated. In this system, a brain structure within the Limbic System known as the hypothalamus is activated, which stimulates the activation of the pituitary gland. The Limbic System, an older part of the brain, deals with many aspects of memory and emotion.

The pituitary secretes a hormone called adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH) which stimulates the adrenal cortex to release corticosteroids. Principal among these steroids is cortisol, which has many effects on the body including suppression of the immune system and release of glucose stores (lipids). These effects are adaptive and potentially very useful in that they provide a quick surge of energy which can facilitate escape from a potential threat or stressor – they give you the means to run away from or fight that threatening person or animal or thing. They do this by increasing heart rate, blood pressure and breathing and by stimulating the release of glucose. Running, fighting or some similar physical exertion is thus the natural response. It is this process that allows us to summon the energy and courage to dash onto the road to save a child, or to defend ourselves from an attacker, even when we are very tired.

In a sedentary situation, however, where one cannot fight or escape (e.g. in the case of self-criticism), there is no natural resolution of the activated state. This is compounded by modern sedentary lifestyles, where there is a double effect of threats that are chronic (e.g. stress at work, daily traffic, deadlines, self-criticism, email notifications) and a general inability to escape or burn off excess energy (e.g. working in an office, driving instead of walking or cycling). The ultimate effect here is that blood pressure remains chronically high, heart rate is elevated, breathing is increased, and lipids in the blood are not metabolised. This can ultimately lead to a range of physical and psychological problems.

The effect of non-metabolised lipids in the blood increases the risk of lipids gathering in the walls of the arteries leading to atherosclerosis, which increases the risk of cardiac and circulatory problem (e.g. heart attacks, strokes) and circulatory problems. In the event where one escapes the threat, levels of cortisol return to normal as the HPA has an in-built negative feedback system, where cortisol release downregulates (ie, lessens) hypothalamus activation and thus provides regulation – relaxing you, essentially.

Self-compassion and the love hormone

The physiological mechanisms by which being compassionate to yourself works are equally complex, and the hormone oxytocin has been suggested as a key mediator of the response. Oxytocin has been referred to as the “love hormone” – it is higher, for instance, in people who are in the early stages of romantic attachment (1) and during sexual activity (2).

Oxytocin is also produced in the hypothalamus, and is released during a disparate range of behaviours, including sex, childbirth, lactation, hugging, and social interactions with friends. Contrary to the ‘fight or flight’ reflex, oxytocin precipitates ‘rest and digest’ behaviours. Importantly, it can directly attenuate the HPA system, and it leads to stress coping, positive mood, trust, pair bonding, maternal aggression, and maternal behaviour in general (3). It also leads us to seek social contact.

Experimental studies have demonstrated the potential of oxytocin to facilitate compassion. Nasal administration of oxytocin has been found to increase people’s abilities to imagine compassionate qualities (4). Researchers in Israel demonstrated that compassion increased following oxytocin administration in a sample of men and women (5). The potential for oxytocin release by self-compassion can then facilitate a host of emotional, physiological and psychological benefits. It is linked to adaptive psychological functioning and protects against anxiety resulting from self-evaluation. This may occur directly by attenuating threat via the HPS axis or indirectly by promoting social behaviours and seeking social contact.

So the internal self-critic is an onboard stimulator of the stress response, one we cannot escapes from, who lies with us when we are trying to sleep at night, wakes with us in the morning, and follows us around all day. Remember, self-compassion is not about being lazy or being weak. These are hardly words we would normally associate with compassion. Think about famous people whom we would describe as compassionate, say Nelson Mandela. Was he weak or lazy? Let us not confuse these ideas. And don’t forget that while we carry the internal self-critic, we also carry the self-compassion antidote.

Self-compassion is about acting in the same way towards yourself when you are having a tough time as you would act towards others. It is about being kind and understanding. It takes practice to quieten that voice, but it’s a skill we can develop and a skill which can have very significant positive effects on our psychological and physical health.

In summary, neuroscience can tell us a lot about how self-compassion works:

• Self-compassion is not self-pity, nor is it being self-absorbed or selfish
• Self-compassion is the antidote to self-criticism
• By learning and practising psychological skills like self-compassion, we can influence our physiological responses in both the short and long term. This has significant benefits for both physical and psychological health, including reducing the risk of heart attacks and strokes
• Self-criticism is considered a threat, which activates the stress response, inducing the release of cortisol into the blood
• Self-compassion deactivates the brain’s stress response and aids in the reduction of anxiety and promotion of better psychological wellbeing
• Self-compassion is associated with the release of oxytocin, the so-called “love hormone” which has a range of positive effects
• Through this oxytocin mechanism, self-compassion may alleviate the stress response by attenuating the HPA system, and may also promote social behaviours and social contact

References

1. Schneiderman I, Zagoory-Sharon O, Leckman JF, Feldman R. Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment: Relations to couples’ interactive reciprocity. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2012 Aug;37(8):1277–85.
2. Carmichael MS, Humbert R, Dixen J, Palmisano G, Greenleaf W, Davidson JM. Plasma Oxytocin Increases in the Human Sexual Response*. J Clin Endocrinol Metab. 1987 Jan;64(1):27–31.
3. Neumann ID. Oxytocin: The Neuropeptide of Love Reveals Some of Its Secrets. Cell Metab. 2007 Apr 4;5(4):231–3.
4. Rockliff H, Karl A, McEwan K, Gilbert J, Matos M, Gilbert P. Effects of intranasal oxytocin on “compassion focused imagery”. Emotion. 2011;11(6):1388–96.
5. Palgi S, Klein E, Shamay-Tsoory SG. Intranasal administration of oxytocin increases compassion toward women. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 2015 Mar;10(3):311–7.