– Storing Memories is a Way of Holding On
The Happy Sad Box Reminds Us that our Lives are a Gift to be Treasured – it is our Memories that keep us strong, resilient and hopeful even on our darkest day
As a teacher, it’s almost inevitable you will encounter and cope with a grieving child. Studies show that one third of children will experience loss of some kind by the age of 9. Loss can mean the death of a family pet, a neighbour, an elderly relative, a family break-up, school move, house move and even homelessness. This has major implications for learning, as grief can lead to academic, behavioural, and social issues.
Grief and Loss was a module on the Masters in Leadership and Pastoral Care Programme, which I completed in 2012. It encouraged me to explore my own story of loss and to a gain a greater understanding of bereavement as a universal experience.
Not having access to the number of teachers who currently have bereavement training I wonder if it is offered as an option in teaching training colleges. Many teachers and schools have sought to resource themselves – relying on outside agencies, personal development courses, current literature and relevant books for children. School communities seek to be proactive by anticipating the many challenges which impinge on the well-being of the children.
So, what are some of the simple practices which we as teachers utilise as we strive to provide support, not counselling, to grieving students?
Communication
Acknowledge the loss, even though it is difficult to know what to say. Remember we want the child to know we are aware and concerned and we will be there helping them to adjust. Continue to check in with them periodically to see how they are doing. Saying nothing says a lot — it communicates to children that speaking about loss is taboo.
School Work
Most likely children will need to be offered some leeway in their learning and structure in the classroom. It is not unusual for a child to be unable to concentrate or become overwhelmed so having a strategy in place is a great idea. There may be another teacher, support staff, SNA or friend that can lend support and comfort. Having a space to work in would be ideal to protect the dignity of the child who is overwhelmed but in our overcrowded schools it may be impossible. Homework may be something the child immerses themselves in, but it may also be something that gets pushed to the side for a while.
Other Children
Just like adults, children may be afraid to say or do the wrong thing and this is where we can help by stepping in to tell the class the basics. In this way we can help younger students understand death and let them ask questions.
Offer some helpful ideas –
- simple things kids can say to a grieving classmate and what not to say,
- how to be a good friend, making sure the bereaved child does not become isolated,
- ask them to play, sit with you at lunch.
Parents
Check with the bereaved child’s parents or guardians about what can be shared and what supports the school can offer Follow this up with older students, find out from the student what they would like to have shared. Establish ongoing strategies between school and home that can help a child cope.
Classroom projects or activities
November, as the month of Remembrance, is a great month for bringing the school community together by using the many resources available from Twinkle, the Religious Education programmes and Scoilnet.
Create a display board with key messages, worksheets, useful information and a supply of appropriate classroom books. Add a Remembrance Tree and invite all members of the school community to take a ready-made tag, write the name of the deceased with a message and hang on the tree.
Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and associated activities can be introduced in a way that acknowledges absent family members.
Personal Grief experience
When teachers share some of their own grief story and positive coping strategies with students, they are enabling children to do the same. Children appreciate this and are in a better position to help others in the future.
Teacher Designed Material
We rely on our creativity in all sorts of areas of the curriculum and in this respect the topic of grief is no different.
I wanted to focus children on their resilience, recognise the beauty of their own lives and secondly, collect memories of a loss they encountered. The resource I designed, The Happy Sad Box, enabled children to engage with this self-esteem activity. On completion each child took home two boxes, one to remind them of their strengths and the other to remind them of their loss.
Self-Care for Teachers
While it was a privilege to hear children speak positively about their own lives and listen to their stories of loss it also took its toll in terms of planning, research, creating resources, holding the space and of course multi-tasking.
We know teaching is hard work, requires a lot of energy and commitment and we are prone to pushing ourselves beyond our own limits. Like it or not, it is up to me and you to invest in our health and well-being because taking care of ourselves is a game-changer for everyone in our lives. Take care of yourself, because you know what? You are worth it
Anyone wishing to add mindfulness to their self-care kit may be interested in my upcoming certified Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction for Educators in January 2019; this course is a prerequisite requirement for training in the popular PAWs and Dot b courses for schools.
13th January and every Sunday, until 10th March inclusive at 10.30am.
Cost €300, register via Kay’s website aframeofmind.ie or 0851094553
Kay Murphy, Primary and Post Primary Qualified Teacher, MA Leadership and Pastoral Care
Educator since 1990 & Mindfulness Stress Reduction Teacher
A mother of 3 teenagers, teaches in a special school and is a Mindfulness expert. Her courses focus on self care, growth, mental health and wellbeing. She is a passionate advocate for mental wellbeing programmes in schools for students, teachers and parents.
