A while back I was delighted to hear the inspiring Conor Cusack, Cork Hurler, mental health advocate speak. During his talk Conor talk about the uniqueness and preciousness of each one of us. Conor’s perspective on depression is incredible insightful:
“Depression is difficult to explain to people. If you have experienced it there is no need, if you haven’t, I don’t think there are words adequate to describe its horror. It permeates every part of your being, from your head to your toes. It is never ending, waves and waves of utter despair and hopelessness and fear and darkness flood throughout your whole body. You crave for peace but even sleep doesn’t afford that. It wrecks your dreams and turns your days into a living nightmare. It destroys your personality, your relationship with your family and friends, your work, your sporting life, it affects them all. Your ability to give and receive affection is gone.”
For many experiencing depression the central themes are sadness, hopelessness and despair. For the sufferer it’s like wearing a pair of glasses that only lets in negativity about the past, present and future. It’s like a black hole that sucks in any positive energy.
Depression is a thief
In my book ‘Becoming Your Real Self’ (Penguin Ireland) I talk about how depression is a thief robbing you or your loved one from ‘Relationships and Connections’. The pain of depression is immense. Take John, who came to see me. I remember him sitting in my office, slumped in the chair saying. ‘I would prefer a broken leg or cancer; my depression is invisible. Cancer has a treatment pathway; in depression the treatment pathway is unknown.’
The Power of Hope
Fostering hope in depression is critical. Hope generates new energies. It’s a light that can escape the pull of the black hole. Hope ends despair and acts as the stepping stone to connect you or your loved one with each other. If depression sees the world as dark and miserable, hope bursts the world with a sense of light, possibility and change.
Hope is like a seed that germinates slowly through actions and goals. For example, small exercise goals, walking, swimming or cycling for 20 minutes 3 days a week, or even a smaller goal putting on your runners and getting out for 5 minutes, all help grow the seed of hope. Challenging Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) raises hope.
As a psychologist I think the critical question is what’s keeping the depression going? Most often the forever present ANTs and rumination are the fuel that keep depression going. The good news is that Cognitive Behavioural therapy is an incredibly powerful treatment for depression; and mindfulness is very effective in relapse prevention. Targeting hopelessness and its ugly cousins of helplessness, worthlessness and despair becomes a central target for therapy.
As relationships and connection are a central loss in depression try to connect with someone with depression by helping them to think differently and act differently, you will be well on the way to raising hope and banishing depression.
Conor Cusack in his first hand account of his depression and his recovery in telling his story connects. He says “there is no situation that is without hope, there is no person that can’t overcome their present difficulties. For those that are suffering silently, there is help out there and you are definitely not alone. “The first step is the hardest, reach out seek help go to your GP, psychologist or recommended counsellor; you will be treated with respect and compassion. With these first steps you are planting the seeds of hope. There will never be another you in all the history of the world or for the rest of time. You are precious and unique. This is an act of courage and I ask you what would you do if you were not afraid?”
Don’t be afraid to explore this inner journey for despite our explorations of the highest mountains and deepest oceans this inner journey will allow you to figure out your life scripts the patterns in your life – healthy and unhealthy. Here you can learn your trip wires and how not to stand on them but learn with insight how to step over them so that you don’t get trapped. What life scripts are in your life; the rescuer, the martyr, the sufferer, the discoverer, the explorer, the healer, the wise one, the compassionate one. No one is defined by one script, it’s time to understand your script and figure out which parts work for you and which parts limit your life.
You will not be surprised to hear that if someone rings enquiring to set up a session 8 times out of 10 it’s a woman. Now unless I am mistaking the population is 50/50. Mums and wife’s ring for adults sons into their 30’s – 40’s and for their husbands. Men are disastrous when it comes to seeking help.
First of all I want to thank those women, those life savers and appeal to men to take initiatives to mind their health physical and emotional. Too often for men depression is bound up with beliefs that a person is weak and a failure. For men this is linked to beliefs that you are either weak/strong and are successful/failure. As men we have learnt that emotionality is an expression of weakness and depression is an expression of failure. These are flawed beliefs. Just because they are there does not make them true.
Alternative beliefs that foster hope include; I am unique, I am proactive, I am emotionally healthy, I give and receive love. Let’s discuss core beliefs and how we can change unhelpful one’s another day. And as for hope we know now why it was left in Pandora’s box as it’s so important. For today, do one thing that adds to your emotional wellbeing and nurtures hope – call a friend, go for a walk, sit and be still, breathe….
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