It is not uncommon for people to seek professional help for sudden, unexpected episodes of anger and aggression. These episodes may occur in people who are mostly gentle, reserved, kind, caring. Friends, family and sometimes the person themselves are often baffled to understand why these episodes happen.
Understanding the person’s inner world is the secret to understanding such recurring anger and aggression. There is often a history of considerable hurt experienced in life, the frequency and extent of which may be greatly underestimated. This should not surprise us; underestimating hurts and their impact is a characteristic of many developed societies.
Many present a picture of themselves to the world that hides their pain. In company, they are generally on guard, careful not to say or do anything that might upset others or result in a backlash, as many paradoxically fear conflict or confrontation. They anxiously look for signs of other people’s opinion of them, second-guessing situations and mind-reading, practices that frequently result in major misinterpretations of people’s intentions and motives.
The patterns that lead to this behaviour usually go back many years in the person’s life. Many have progressively shut down other feelings and other ways of expressing their feelings, to the point where feeling and expressing anger, and exhibiting aggression, becomes their main way of expressing their unhappiness and dissatisfaction with how their life is for them. This helps to explain – but does not justify – some examples of aggression.
In everyday interactions and conversations, many hold back, scared to express themselves, their ideas, needs, opinions. They maintain a smile on their face as much as they feel they can. Others understandably accept their behaviour and demeanour at face value, not realising the emotional torment that many experience in the seemingly ordinary everyday interactions and conversations, interactions in which there is often no intent to hurt or wound.
This emotional distress accumulates within. Many do not feel they can express their distress. The wounds remain unfinished, unhealed. New wounds accumulate today on top of those experienced yesterday, the day before that, and so on.
Many gradually reach breaking point. Like the straw that broke the camel’s back, the moment that triggers a surge of anger and perhaps aggression seems relatively insignificant, to others and perhaps to themselves also. No one can make sense of it.
Although anger and aggression may be the dominant feeling and behaviour being experienced at those times, successfully addressing these often requires taking a step back, a step deeper, to the emotions and experiences that have fostered and fuelled them.
If you identify with what I have just described, the following might be helpful. Your pattern of choosing to anger may be so long established that you may have long since lost sight of what purpose anger serves for you – but it always serves some purpose. You would not choose it otherwise. Expressing anger and aggression can feel empowering, which may feel like a welcome relief if you generally feel powerless and voiceless.
Many people who resort quickly to anger and aggression generally have little self-confidence and are often profoundly unhappy. They are too scared to express themselves, too frightened to say what they are really thinking and feeling. Many hold much unfinished emotional business within them.
Anger is often a secondary emotion. Think about the last time this happened. Ask yourself what feelings you felt just before you became angry. Maybe, for a split second, you felt scared; hurt; sad; humiliated; exposed; lonely; ridiculed; rejected; overlooked; like you didn’t matter; dismissed; lost; disappointed; hopeless; inadequate; powerless; helplessness; despairing; overwhelmed. Then you slipped quickly into anger, an emotion with which you may feel much more comfortable and familiar than the others I just mentioned. These feelings are real and valid in themselves, but that does not always mean that others have set out to hurt you. Risk familiarising yourself with the emotions you find more challenging than anger, like those I listed three sentences ago.
Risk addressing the little things that accumulate and eventually break the camel’s back. If you feel hurt by someone’s words or behaviour, acknowledge these feelings of hurt – especially to yourself. The more you mind-read other people’s reasons and motives, the more you will feed into your worry that others habitually set out to judge you. Emphasise “I” rather than “you”, as in, “I think . . “, “I felt . . . “, “I need . . .”, rather than “you made me . . .”, if you hadn’t . . .”, etc. Reality checking what you think just happened against what actually happened may be surprisingly reassuring.
Perhaps emotions you find difficult to experience were beginning to rise within you, either just before you became angry, or earlier. Begin to allow yourself to feel and name these feelings – to yourself especially, also perhaps to one or two people you really trust. Write about them, regularly. The person who most needs to hear you acknowledge and name these other feelings is you, though those around you will also benefit if you make these changes.
Often from an early age and from many different sources, men in particular are cultured into believing they must not feel or show vulnerability. We need to work together to create a society where people feel safe to feel and express the wide range of human emotions, not just the limited range of feelings generally considered “acceptable”.
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