Resilience is one of the most important gifts we can give our children. As a parent and primary teacher, I’m all too aware of the many challenges and pressures which young people face today. Failure and disappointments are inevitable parts of life; fortunately, there are plenty of ways to equip young people with the tools they need to face the challenges of life.
Positive Psychology, which is the science of well-being, can provide us with a wealth of research that we can draw on to equip our children so that they can thrive no matter what life may throw at them. I’ve just finished a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology and studying resilience was one of the most fascinating parts for me. I’m so grateful to have the opportunity to put theory into practice in my own family life and in my classroom; I’m also very lucky to have the opportunity to train teachers and parents in this subject.
It’s impossible to sum up the many ideas and approaches that can help to build resilience in this short article but we can start with three key approaches. Number one is listening to our children, number two is helping them to enhance positivity in their lives and number three is helping them to manage negativity.
1. Listen: One powerful message from research on children who manage to overcome challenges and obstacles and develop resilience is the power of a strong and positive relationship with at least one key adult. Listening to a child is the first step towards developing such a relationship. In today’s busy world it can be hard to find the time to tune in at the child’s level and really listen to what is going on for them, but it’s a crucial way of showing the child that they matter and that you are there for them.
We can’t always fix everything for children and, in fact, it’s counterproductive to do so, as they often need to find ways to sort out challenges for themselves. This can give them a belief in their ability to cope. Just lending a listening and supportive ear while they share their feelings with you is actually a powerful way of building the nurturing relationship which can help them to develop resilience. This is true for parents and teachers alike.
2. Enhance Positivity: One of the most interesting things I learned in my research was that positive emotions such as gratitude, love, joy, awe, humour, pride, tranquillity and inspiration not only make us feel good in the present moment, but actually buffer us and build our resilience. The ratio of positive to negative emotions is a key indicator of resilience and well-being; resilient people don’t experience lesser amounts of negative emotions than others, however, they experience higher levels of everyday, low level positive emotions and this protects them against the adverse effects of daily upsets and disappointments. I think this is so empowering – we can’t control many of the negative experiences which may come our children’s way but we can help them to enhance daily positivity to offset this.
Encouraging gratitude and appreciation in children is a simple yet powerful practice which we can start as early as possible with them. Playing with our children and having fun with them is also not a luxury but a necessity; the laughter and joy which arise from this can build their psychological resources. There are so many easy ways to top up your child’s positivity daily, it’s just a matter of focusing and prioritising it in the hectic pace of modern life.
3. Manage Negativity: Children need to learn to manage the negative emotions which come from dealing with the everyday challenges of life. Disappointment, anger, sadness and frustration are all completely normal and inevitable; if children can learn to experience them in a safe and supported way they can learn to cope with them, rather than become overwhelmed by them. Often, we want to protect children from all disappointment and failure; however, with the right support, small disappointments and failures are a form of psychological immunisation.
Children need to feel these emotions in order to manage them and build up their coping skills and resilience. We can validate their emotions by empathising with them and showing we understand why they feel this way. Helping them to name and accept the emotion is also a key step, see my article on my four steps to managing a difficult emotion (NABB – name, accept, breathe, body) here.
By supporting children and equipping them with resilience skills, we can empower them to deal with the many challenges they will face. These words by Jon Kabat-Zinn really say it all…
‘You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf’.