I came out about my own mental health struggles years after going through the education system. I was a good enough student in school, maybe not naturally as smart as other people in my year but I knew I wanted to be a teacher and I knew I had to work hard, so I did. I worked hard, I tried my best to have fun, I was voted the happiest in my year, but there were these bad moments, moments of crying. Crying for no reason. I’d have been noted by students and teachers, as the emotional one. A friend even wrote this in my yearbook, half slagging, half stating the truth. But still no one seemed worried. I was emotional. That’s just what people thought. It’s what I thought. I thought that I had no reason to have any other title on it; I did have an easy life.
And so I fell through the cracks. I got my dream course, I went to college, I made brilliant friends. But I got more ‘emotional’, the crying continued. And then it got worse. There was fewer fun times and more crying times. More sleepless nights. More feeling numb times. More self-harming times. More feeling worthless times. And finally, the morning of the attempt. I truly believed I was just ‘over emotional’ and that I didn’t deserve help, I didn’t have any real problem, and that this was my only option, the best thing for everyone. And as I have said so many times, I was lucky I survived.
I am 30 now. I understand my emotions (most of the time!). I understand it’s more than just a once off feeling of sadness. I understand that it’s ok not to feel ok. I understand that I can acknowledge it. I understand that I can ask for help and not feel ashamed. I have depression. And I am in a better position to control it. But these teenagers, teenagers like 16 year old me, 17,18,19 year old me? Can they control it? Not without help and understanding they cant.
They need the reassurance. They need to know they are going to be ok. They need to understand that there will be shit days, and great days, and each day they will get through it, that there are so many sources of help for them and that they will be ok. Some schools are trying, really trying. I am a teacher myself. My sister and brother are too. But we teachers are not equipped with correct training and resources and time to recognise and help these students. Something needs to be done to make sure our teenagers do not slip through the cracks. Something needs to be done to make sure we do not see their faces on missing posters and death notices.
And so I give talks now. I want to help make sure no one falls through the cracks like I did. That it’s ok to ask for help. So I gave a talk in a school a few years ago. It was in a school really trying. There was a girl, 3rd row. And throughout my talk, she cried. Just silent tears running down her cheeks as I spoke. So, after the talk I told the teacher. Yes, I was told, that girl is actually ok, just very emotional.
Lately she’s in my thoughts a lot though. She’s probably in college now.
Is she still having these ‘emotional’ times?
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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