The first step in the journey to wellbeing is to listen to our young people. For adolescents, having their voice heard is a key and vital part of social cohesion. As a teacher and a guidance counsellor, I deal with adolescents on a daily basis, both in and outside of the classroom. Some of these are entrenched in a crisis situation presenting with issues such as bullying, low self-esteem, self-harm, suicidal ideation. These students need targeted, specific supports and counselling.
These students tend to be in the minority. Most other teenagers are functioning relatively well and can cope with the ups and downs of teenage life. However these students also need our attention. Regardless of their levels of mental health, recently they all seem to express a similar message and theme:
‘No one listens to me.’
They possess emotional maturity far beyond their years when they make statements such as ‘I know my Mam is really busy so I don’t want to bother her’ or ‘My class tutor is lovely but she’s teaching class all day today so won’t have time to talk to me’. They understand that the adults in their lives are busy. They don’t resent us for this, they just wish we had the time to give them. They can see and understand the stress that the adults in their lives experience as they witness it on a daily basis.
What sort of behaviour is this to model and demonstrate to them? How can we expect them to deal with the daily stresses of life and listen to others when we are showing them that we can’t? How is it that we have reached a situation where when teenagers actually want to talk and express their emotions yet there is no one in society with the time to listen?
And it’s not just the adults in their lives that are letting them down. When it does occur that the adults let them down or are not available they often turn to their friends. Friends are vital in a teenager’s world. They understand the situation that they live in and thus can empathise with difficulties and stresses.
But in recent years, I hear students say that their friends aren’t listening in the way that they used to, that they nod and smile but then change the topic of conversation. They don’t feel comfortable with or don’t want to listen to difficult topics. Their constant use of technology and social media means that they are used to things moving at a rapid pace. If they don’t like the sound of something, they just move on. They may not realise the impact that this has on their peers. However they are not to blame for this, this is the society they are growing up in and the example we are showing them.
When we open up to someone and express our inner thoughts and fears, we hope that they will listen to us. Sometimes we might want advice but most of all we just want to talk through what is going on in our heads and have the support of friends and family. When people don’t take the time to listen to us or brush away what we have to say as moaning or complaining, we can feel even more upset and dejected. Remember the last time this may have happened to you. The old advice of treat others like you would like to be treated still rings true when it comes to the teenagers of today.
A clear way to communicate that you care about someone is to listen to what they have to say. It may seem basic but listening is an active, not a passive skill. As adults it means demonstrating that we are listening to what teenagers have to say. Sometimes they might have things to say that are not what we want to hear. However, in order to progress our relationship and communication with them we need to hear the good and the bad, the little and big things that make up who our young people are.
The young people in Ireland today have something to say. They have strong, clear, brilliant ideas of how our country should work and the type of people that they want to be. They have aspirations, hopes and dreams. They want to help others and contribute to society. They have good and bad days just like the rest of us. All they are looking for is for us to listen. As Stephen Covey stated:
‘Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand, most listen with the intent to reply’.
It’s not always about the reply. Teenagers don’t always want answers or solutions. So let’s take the time, slow down and hear what they have to say. Let’s listen.
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