I’m sitting in work on a Friday, listening to Sia’s Elastic Heart as it plays on the radio, my own heart thudding in my chest as I re – read my girlfriend’s Whats App texts.
Without breaking her confidence, following a tense night between us, she’s begun to voice a number of concerns about our relationship.
Naturally, when someone you are in love with starts to lean away from you, stress hormones such as cortisol will spike. However, for someone with an anxiety disorder, it’s akin to a pack of hyena’s snarling at the front door.
Now I cringe as I write the word ‘disorder.’ A person who experiences anxiety is not disordered. Our bodies are merely highly sensitised to perceived threats, whether real or imaginary, and react by readying our nervous system to fight or flee. Perversely, anxiety is our bodies way of trying to protect us.
To speak with myself either at work, or in a social setting, you would never guess that I battle with anxious feelings and thoughts on a regular basis.
I’m outgoing, bubbly and (on the surface at least) doing very well in a technical career which entails interacting with the public and handling a lot of responsibility.
Ironically, once I get into the swing of the working week, my anxiety decreases dramatically. It does however flare up every few weeks (particularly on Sundays or after a period of holidays) , but I’ve managed (touch wood) to get through any difficult periods by implementing methods such as the D.A.R.E response, or by following the advice of ex sufferers like Paul David (his book ‘At Last A Life’ is excellent.)
Yet there is one area in which I have not yet managed to conquer my anxious brain.
Love.
Falling in love is a real trigger for my anxiety.
The uncertainty that accompanies inviting another person so intimately into your life. The fear that you won’t have the resources to handle the demands that a relationship entails, along with managing your own mental health on a weekly basis.
Like many others who experience anxiety, I often feel excitement as nervous energy, and falling in love is something which naturally evokes the latter.
With anxiety, it’s also hard to live in the moment. Worry is the name of the game and insecurity is its evil sister.
You also start to fear the attachment you feel to the person you are with and question your ability to handle a break up and all its ensuing emotions if it occurs.
It can honestly feel exhausting.
Despite my best efforts to keep it at bay, anxiety along with low mood (which often comes hand in hand) had been a third party in my relationship from day one and unbeknownst to me had been begun to take a toll on my partners own emotions.
She also naturally had practical questions about how my anxiety could limit our life in the future – she was aware for example that I hadn’t travelled too often abroad (I haven’t been on a plane in over 15 years so her concerns were legitimate ones!)
But more so than anything, mentally, she knew that I just wasn’t in the headspace to commit to a relationship. To be able to meet someone else’s needs. I needed time out, as did she. I needed to find myself again without her.
In regards to dealing with my anxiety, I attend therapy weekly and have done so for quite a while.
Without the support of my therapist, I wouldn’t be where I am today. In the past martial arts have also helped to release such nervous energy, and I’ve decided to get back into kickboxing, my sights now firmly set on rising up via the belt grading system. I also keep in contact with my GP regularly and now attend the gym most days.
I have also signed up for a CBT online course run by AWARE, and regularly make use of the meditation app ‘headspace’ alongside another called DARE.
I’m hoping that with time, I can not only reduce my anxiety from its current high level, but heal it completely. I know that the days and weeks ahead will be tough, that the future is fraught with uncertainty, and that anxiety may be something I need to befriend for the foreseeable future.
But one thing I do know is that one day I would like to fall head over heels for someone, and not let it interfere with the happiness that I have found.
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