A tutorial on how to set healthy boundaries

We hear a lot about the need to set healthy boundaries, but what does that actually mean?

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines a boundary as “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent”.

In this article, we’ll explore fixing limits on what you’ll allow and the extent to which you’ll tolerate it before you object. Often as humans we determine our boundaries only after they’ve been crossed. We experience something that’s unpleasant and we decide it’s not acceptable. That experience then becomes something we won’t allow and if it happens we decide how we’ll deal with it. But how long will you tolerate it before setting the limit?

What are your boundaries?

Whether you consciously set boundaries or not, you have some. You may be unwilling to be treated with disrespect by your kids or by your partner. You have certain likes and dislikes in various situations and you operate within those boundaries.

Take a minute and think about your boundaries. They may be small or large. What limits do you set and with whom do you set them? Once you’ve identified some, write down 5 examples of your likes or dislikes that you have used to set boundaries. For example, my home is a drama free zone. That’s a boundary I set to ensure I have a peaceful place to relax and regenerate after working all day.

Think about what limits you set to honour your needs. It may be as simple as when you get home from work no one can talk to you for a half hour. This includes the kids, the partner, the dog – whoever lives in your home needs to know what you need. If you’re a woman running a household, you most likely know theirs inside out and backwards. Let’s not forget about you.

Why is it important to you?

Now that you have a list of limits you’ve set for yourself, think about why each one is important to you. What happened that caused you to create that limit? Was it an innate need on your part? Was it the result of someone crossing the line with you? If so, how did you feel when the line was crossed and what did you need instead? Notice we’re looking at what you need. This is important.

In deciding whether a boundary is healthy or not, it’s important to be able to identify the foundation of that limit. Is it something that honors you or protects you? Either is healthy.

If it’s a limit that you set because you don’t like someone and you don’t want that person in your life, it can still be healthy but it could also be unhealthy. We’ll get into that determination a little later.

Communication is Key

How do you communicate your boundaries to others? Are you direct or do you drop hints and hope for the best? To what extent do you tolerate the action in question before you’re willing to say what you need to say?

If there are certain people who regularly cross the line with you, think about how you communicated your needs to those people. Using clear and concise language (I need some quiet time to decompress when I get home from work. Can you please give me 30 minutes before you tell me about your day?) is very helpful not only to you but also to the person you’re speaking with.

Very often, we forget to directly tell someone what we need. It’s easy to lay blame and say that person is disrespectful but go a little deeper first. How does that person know what you need? If you didn’t clearly state your needs with direct language, it’s possible you may be expecting him or her to read your mind.

If you used clear language and spelled out what you need, did you give that person a reason to honor your need? For instance, “I need total quiet when I get home from work.” is very different from, “I deal with a lot of stress at work and if you can give me 30 minutes of quiet time when I get home, I’ll be in a better mood with you.” The second version gives the person a compelling reason to help you out. Yes, it would be awesome if he wanted to do it out of the kindness of his heart but sometimes his needs get in the way and he doesn’t realize how you’re affected.

Healthy vs Unhealthy Boundaries

There are people in this world who are toxic and should not be in your life. They are people who, for whatever reason, are not happy and are not willing to do anything different to change their circumstance. Setting boundaries with people like this is healthy to avoid their issues overshadowing your life.

Let’s look at a situation where you end a friendship because someone close to you hurt you. You hold on to the hurt, unwilling to forgive. You miss her but can’t let go of the pain. You’re setting a boundary so she can’t hurt you again. She seems to have moved on but you’re still stuck in the story in your head.

In this case, the boundary you set because you no longer like this person is unhealthy for various reasons. First, you lost a friend. Second, you’re holding on to a hurt that is only affecting you. Whatever happened was in the past. Depending on what it was, holding on to it keeps you in a state of victimhood.

People make mistakes, and if they’re willing to recognise and make amends, they can grow from their mistakes. But that’s not the reason you should forgive. By forgiving, you allow yourself to grow and to let go of old energy that has a negative effect on you. If you find yourself in a situation similar to this, think about whether it’s worth allowing yourself to forgive so you can let go of the pain and find peace.

Conclusion

Knowing that you are worth being treated with respect is important. Acting on requiring that you be treated with respect is what setting boundaries is about. To insure other people respect your needs, you first have to clearly communicate what they are. Next, you need to be consistent in reminding anyone who crosses the line that the line is there. When you respect yourself enough to honor your boundaries, other people will naturally do the same. Teach people how to treat you.