If I could just stop smoking…if I could stop eating junk food…if I could stop saying yes to the demands of everyone else…if I could just stop worrying about what other people think! We often associate stopping certain habits with happiness and a better life. January is a time we tend to put enormous pressure on ourselves to go tee-total and give up every habit we see as “bad” without really making any realistic plan as to how we are going to get from chocoholic on a sharing size bar of dairy milk a day, to a member of the green juice gang (impartial to both a green juice and a golden crisp myself)!
This goes for any habit. If my News Years resolution is to stop doubting myself, how do I go from constant reassurance seeker, to a completely self-assured, confident person overnight? Unfortunately for the majority…you can’t.
Research shows that relying on motivation and will power to stop habitual behaviours over a sustained period of time is not maintainable. It is difficult to “just stop” doing something that has been ingrained in your daily way of coping with life. Don’t beat yourself up for going back to certain habits because “just stopping” them was too hard…it IS too hard!
A more helpful way to try and “just stop” some of these unhelpful habits is to come up with an alternative action to replace the habit you are trying to change. This technique has been shown to be really effective for changing habits and works for physical behaviours as well as ways of thinking. It is based on knowing the what, when and why of your habits and being prepared with an alternative behaviour when these situations arise.
Key steps to “just stopping” your unhelpful habits for good:
- Be specific: What is the habit you want to change? The more specific the better, saying you want to stop worrying is too broad. Take some time to think about when you worry most, what are the most common things you worry about (family, health, accidents, failure). This applies to all habits…get into the details of what, when and why?
- Think up your alternatives: Having identified the what, when and why of your habit, think up some examples of what you can do instead. Don’t pick unrealistic behaviours. If you’ve been cancelling plans and avoiding meeting friends or new people consistently for the last few months, saying your alternative action is to say yes to every invitation to socialise that comes your way might be too big a jump from where you’re at now. Something more helpful might be to say yes to any invitation for a coffee, if you feel the thought of meeting a group for a drink makes you want to crawl back to bed and Netflix. Think of alternative actions you feel are manageable for you and write them down.
- Pick One: Decision making increases our cognitive load, which may lead to relapsing back to the old habit. Make life easier and pick a specific alternative action rather than going through the list in your mind every time you reach for a box of cigarettes, a bag of Maltesers or to text a “no” response to friends. If after a few weeks the alternative action isn’t working and you find it too big a jump from the original behaviour, go back to the drawing board and try another one.
- Plan for possible barriers: When thinking of your alternative actions it is also a good idea to think of times when your alternative action won’t work. Think back to times when you might have tried to change this habit before…when did you lapse back to the old habit previously? Plan for what you might do instead to help you overcome difficult times without resorting back to a sharing size chocolate bar, withdrawing from friends or worrying excessively.
- It’s not going to be easy! Unfortunately changing habits is hard, and you WILL experience discomfort in resisting your old ways. All of our habits have served a purpose in our life, they are a part of what gets us through the day and there is safety and security in going back to the familiar. Acknowledging that it won’t be easy and preparing for the lapses in willpower and motivation can make the initial few weeks more manageable!
Using an alternative action is just one way to help set yourself up for success when trying to change a behaviour. Becoming more aware of when exactly you have certain habits and thinking about what you are thinking just before and why you do them at certain times or in response to certain events, can be really helpful in giving you greater motivation to change. If you understand the when and why you can plan more specifically to avoid going back to the “just stopped” habit and hopefully feel greater confidence in your ability to change other habits that aren’t serving you well!