This is week 6 of Dr. Clare’s A Lust for Life online CBT course. Here are WEEK 1 and WEEK 2 and WEEK 3 and WEEK 4 and WEEK 5 if you missed them. It’s best to follow it week by week and take your time with the processes suggested. Good luck!
This week we are going to explore rules and assumptions and the important role they play in our thinking. We all have rules and assumptions which guide our behavior. We develop these as a result of the way we are brought up; often we absorb our family rules systems or those in our culture first.
Rules are useful as they provide us with guidance as to how to live our lives safely (for example do not drive above the speed limit) or happily (for example, it is unacceptable for other people to be abusive towards me). Yet oftentimes we cart around unhelpful rules about ourselves and other people and these can contribute and maintain low self-esteem, depression or anxiety. Such rules often have words like must and should, never and always while assumptions tend to contain ‘if…then…’ statements.
So what are unhelpful rules and when they are less black or white and more murky gray, how can we tell them apart from helpful rules?
Unhelpful rules tend to be unrealistic, unreasonable, rigid, and excessive. We can never fully predict what life will throw at us so having rules about how life MUST be can then leave us stumped when things don’t go in the way we expect. For example if I have a rule ‘I must never be late’ and an assumption ‘If I am late then I am reckless and irresponsible’ that might be all well and good, for sure my boss will be pretty happy about it! But what happens if one day there is an accident and roadworks and heavy traffic and through no fault of my own I am late? My rule will be violated and my assumption will be activated. The problem with this is that when our life rules are violated it tends to be hugely destabilising and upsetting. Heap on top of that the guilt, shame and low self-worth I’m experiencing as I see myself as reckless and irresponsible and there’s a melting pot of negative feeling!
Unhelpful rules can also cause us problems in our relationships. If we believe that other people MUST behave in a particular way (for example, my girlfriend/boyfriend MUST make me happy all the time) then it’s bound to end in tears. As humans none of us can do anything all of the time!
Helpful rules tend to be more flexible and we can adapt them to our daily lives. A healthy rule about time-keeping might be ‘I must try my best to be on time’. This more flexible rule leaves room for unforeseeable circumstances like accidents, road-works and traffic that mean we are not able to meet our standards. Healthier assumptions also leave wriggle room for life’s unpredictability. A healthy assumption might be ‘If I am late sometimes then that’s okay, I’m just a human being and can’t be always on time’. How do you think this might make you feel when you are late?
Some common unhealthy rules:
- Asking for help or consideration is selfish
- Saying no is letting people down
- Putting Me first is bad
- Vulnerability is weakness
Some common unhelpful assumptions:
- If someone doesn’t like me then there is something wrong with me
- If I’m not perfect then I am not good enough
- If someone else is better than me then they are a better person
- If I show emotion or ask for help then I am weak
What rules and assumptions do you hold about yourself, the world and other people?
This link will bring you to a great hand-out that will talk you through identifying your own rules and assumptions.
And here’s a link for working on changing them.
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is intended for information purposes only and represents solely the opinions of this author. If you are seeking diagnosis or treatment of a mental health problem you should consult your GP or mental health professional. The information on this website is NOT a substitute for proper diagnosis, treatment or the provision of advice by an appropriate health professional.