Here we are, weeks into quarantine and finally, we are embracing an easing of restrictions in Ireland as we enter phase 2 plus of our Government’s roadmap. This accelerated drive to return to a semblance of normality is good news for our economy, society and wellbeing.
Life as we knew it ground to a sudden halt months ago with schools, parks, libraries, galleries and businesses closing. We grew accustomed to travel bans, staying at home, not seeing loved ones face to face and listening non-stop news updates. We became acutely aware of social distancing, hand washing, coughing and sneezing etiquette as we collectively did our bit to prevent ourselves, neighbours, community and loved ones from getting ill. Every citizen made sacrifices, we clapped our front-line heroes, we learned patience and practised kindness while we rooted for the vulnerable, the hospitalised and we mourned for those who died as a result of the coronavirus.
For those of us who have lost friends and family members to the virus, our grief is especially intense. As mourners, we felt helpless as we could not comfort the bereaved in a traditional fashion with a hug, a handshake, words of comfort. A covid or non-covid related bereavement during lockdown is likely to be internalised as complicated grief. Giving ourselves space, time, and permission to feel sad is necessary and seeking support can help us process the trauma and loss experience.
Young people’s loss and grief
This is a time that will be a part of our personal history, our world history and be embedded in our consciousness as a nation. While the sense of panic which we felt back in March 2020 may have subsided somewhat, we are still facing uncertainty as we try to make sense about what’s safe and what isn’t. Our young people have missed milestones, and they must not be forgotten. As a teacher, I think of the activities we had planned at the beginning of the academic school year and I feel sad for the children who never got to make their first confession and communion, the confirmation ceremony and celebrations that never happened, the graduations from primary school and secondary school that could not be marked in real-time. I think of the little ones in our schools, their growth spurts and the birthdays that have passed, the eagerly awaited summer trips and many events which commemorate the completion of one milestone and the start of the next one.
One can only hope and pray that support for school children, the graduates of 2020 and young people will be forthcoming. Like us, they were not prepared for this pandemic but there are indicators that help is needed as many have been deeply affected by immediate change and loss. As they emerge into society, they do not know how schools, colleges, work options will change and career paths which were carefully planned may no longer be viable as we head into a global recession.
Reflections from a Parent’s Perspective
From a parent’s perspective, there has been so much change in my home in such a short space of time. In my house, I have a son who planned, saved and would now be on a J1 trip in Boston with his pals. He has lost this opportunity of travel, independence and memory-making and I feel sad for him as he navigates his new reality. I feel anger too as the deposits they paid in good faith were not honoured, their hard-earned cash is gone, and the prospect of a summer job is not likely. His grief is a sort of frustration and like all grief, it fluctuates.
My middle child completed her final year of college with online assessments and exams. There was no time for goodbyes, and it is likely that the bonds which were to be cemented have been severed. The prospect of graduate programmes and employment is precarious. I feel for the uncertainty ahead of her but do not voice my concerns as she has not; which makes me think she may be in the denial phase of grieving or just blessed with a happy go lucky mindset. I do hope it is the latter.
My youngest daughter has magically secured summer work, she will work remotely from our attic space as she gains skills and expertise. I am thrilled she has been given this opportunity and am thankful that she will have funds to support her returns to college in the autumn. Although, this like her work experience will be a virtual experience rather than the face to face interaction which we all crave as human beings. I worry that the joy, fun, camaraderie and team-building activities will be absent and instead work will be mundane, routine and a means to an end. I have visions of her being the girl in the attic rather than the girl on campus attending lectures, hanging out, socialising and that too is a loss.
As you can tell by now loss comes in many guises, it is not the time to hide away from pain and the struggles we face. Young adults are most likely to censor their feelings, they are self-conscious. I as a parent long to hug them as I did when they were little and tell them everything will be ok however I know they would recoil so I trust they will navigate this uncharted territory in the company of their all-important peer-relationships. I cannot fix things or make them better. I can only hold the space, listen for the opening in conversation and try not to take the hot pot of bubbling emotions personally.
However, I am guilty of throwing the biggest temper tantrums and responding in ways that are not too clever. When I hear their dad say “Everybody is missing out, not just you” or “just get over it” I restrain myself but inevitably he will drop the old chestnut “ It is time to toughen up, back in my day I did xxxx” and it is these invalidating and minimising statements that drive me to distraction.
I miss my colleagues and like them, I am in awe of parents and families who suddenly balanced work-life and home-schooling. It has been trying and difficult and we have struggled. I write about my feelings in the hope that you as a parent may tune into your own feelings and validate the emotions that are most likely to be ripping through your homes. It helps me to be more compassionate within the home and to understand that the daily battles that are ensuing are part of the “new normal”. Anyone who says different may be delusional.
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