I had a dream the other night. I was sitting beside a good friend of mine and we were chatting about life. I looked down to my left hand and I noticed I was holding a heart in it. I looked at the heart and I looked at my friend and I put the heart, my heart into my pocket. When I woke up I reflected on the dream and wondered what it was telling me.
Over the following days I was taking part in my Forrest Yoga Mentorship Programme and as the weekend progressed I kept having flashbacks of the dream. One of my fellow teachers text me on one of the evenings and asked me how it was going and during our messaging he asked why I was hiding. In hindsight, I didn’t really understand the question. I’m living my life sharing my passion with my communities and I love that I get to do this. I feel I am truthful and authentic about what is right for me and what doesn’t feel so good. I love that I have freedom to travel, to teach and to share yoga and healing with people every day. It doesn’t look like I’ve been in hiding. On day three of the weekend the switch flicked on, a lightbulb lit up and I realised I have been hiding parts of me. Why? Because I believed I am not enough.
I am not enough.
As I said it in the group I realised it’s reflected in all parts of my life and it’s been there for a longtime, so long that I don’t remember when I started believing it. When I was working in the corporate world and I wanted a promotion at work, if I was told I wasn’t ready I’d leave the job for another one, getting the promotion that way. I had zero patience for waiting until someone else told me I was ready. Relationships have ended with my wanting more or interpreting interactions in a way that isn’t how the other person saw things and I’ve made it mean I am not enough. Financially, I get myself out of debt only to go straight back into it believing that if I do more courses, take more trainings I will be enough. It’s a pattern and a big one for me.
As I sat with it I saw that the belief had already started to come to light and shift before I had my lightbulb moment. I got an opportunity in March to lead yoga teacher training as the lead instructor. I hadn’t asked for it. It was offered and I watched myself as I went into questions of am I enough and do I know enough. It took some time to sit with it and to realise I wanted to step up and lead, to believe in myself and in the knowledge and wisdom that my teachers have shared with me is enough for now for my students. I’ve seen people I haven’t seen for years over recent weeks and I haven’t felt the need to grasp and hold on tightly to the interaction. I’m not making it be something more and chasing them to go for tea or catch up. I simply acknowledge it and move along. If it happens naturally then that’s great. I’m flowing and it’s allowing me to be in the flow rather than controlling the flow.
I am always on another course, taking another training, looking for the next thing I can do so I can be enough. No matter how many courses, trainings, classes I do it’s never enough. I am a hamster on a wheel racing around in circles believing that when I do this course, then I’ll be enough; If I do that assisting then it’ll be enough, I’ll be enough. It never translates to my feeling and being enough. It’s patterns, conditioning and societal reflections – if we lose weight, tone up, get the promotion, buy the house, travel to that next special place, do the next course, find that one person, have a baby etc etc etc then life will be enough, we will be enough.
Since my travels to India and Nepal I have been given a gift. The gift of standing still and staying in one place. There have been courses I’ve wanted to sign up to and the dates haven’t worked. There have been things I’ve wanted to be a part of and it just isn’t flowing. Financially I am working on clearing the loans I used to complete trainings and by focusing on this I am being asked to be present and to forecast and forward plan for my business and my life. I’m being asked to sow seeds, take care of them, water them, give them love and kindness and wait patiently for my roots to grow and deepen so that there are strong foundations for the next step. What that step is I don’t know and I’m okay with that.
And so this week I sat with my friend in the park and I took my heart out of my pocket and I shared with him. It felt vulnerable but so good to come out of hiding parts of myself, to be honest about my dream and to share my commitments and travel stories in all their beauty, because I am enough.
“The feeling that ‘I am enough’ does not mean that I have nothing to learn, nothing further to achieve, and nowhere to grow to. It means that I accept myself, that I am not on trial in my own eyes, that I value and respect myself. This is not an act of indulgence but of courage.” – Nathaniel Brandon
I am enough. You are enough. We are enough.
“I am enough. I am full of sparkle and of compassion. I genuinely want to make the world a better place. I love hard. I practice kindness. I am not afraid of the truth. I am loyal, adventurous, supporting and surprising. I am enough. I make mistakes but I own them and I learn from them. And sometimes I make a lot of mistakes. But I am enough.”- Molly Mahar
There is nothing more to do, nowhere else to go, you are exactly where you need to be and in the exact place that is perfect for you. If it doesn’t bring you joy and contentment you are the one person that can change it.
Go out today and let go of control, makes some mistakes, get messy, sparkle and shine and recognise in all of it we are enough, you are enough, I am enough.