What I have learnt from life is that the greatest gift in life that you can give yourself is self-acceptance.
Worthless, lonely, hopeless, helpless, empty, dreading every new day, crying myself to sleep, wondering why, terrified to go to school, bad eating habits, I’ve been there! However, for many years I didn’t accept myself. In primary and secondary school I was severely bullied emotional and physically. Little did I know that this trauma and torment would lead me to my position today of being a full-time PhD researcher with The National Anti-Bullying Research and Resource Centre.
Life for me growing up was tough because of those who bullied me. Even as an adult I have suffered from bullying. I was born with a disability – just 5% vision. I am registered as blind. This was the main reason for me being bullied because I was ‘different’. I was labelled by my peers as ‘handicapped’. A term which I find offensive. The effects of bullying can be life-long. Thus, I do find some days a struggle. I have anxiety and trust issues.
Inner self-critic
During childhood and adulthood the name of the person who became my biggest bully was – Sinead Kane. I turned on myself. For most of us, the expression “you are your own worst enemy” holds a lot of truth. It’s a painful reality that much of what limits us in our lives is our own feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred. From childhood to adulthood I have been constantly battling within. Constantly comparing, constantly evaluating my self-worth. For most of my teen years I looked in the mirror and saw disappointment. I never felt good enough as a person. I was and still am a perfectionist. I would set the bar unrealistically high and then constantly criticise myself for not reaching the standard.
How can we push past our inner critic?
What I have learned from life is that being ‘different’ is okay. For most of my childhood I hated myself because of being different. But I now see it as a positive. Most people see themselves as different, not in some positive or special way, but in a negative sense. Our inner self-critical voice is there to sabotage our life, our relationships, our career etc. It is a destructive enemy and we believe what it tells us about ourselves. When we listen to our inner critic, we give it power over our lives. We may even start to project these critical thoughts onto others. We run the risk of starting to perceive the world through its negative filter. This is where paranoid and suspicious thoughts enter the picture, as we start to question or criticise people who see us differently from how our voice sees us. For example, we may struggle with positive acknowledgment or feedback, as it contradicts the ways we perceive ourselves. We may have trouble accepting love, as we fail to challenge our inner critic.
Getting Help
At age 17 when I was told I wouldn’t be able to do law because of it being a reading based subject and my disability being my eyes – it was this moment that the pendulum swung for me. I started to stand up for myself. I told myself I was going to no longer let my peers, adults, or any person bully me or put me down. I will always have anxiety issues. It’s not something you can switch on and off but there are ways I can help myself. Here are my top ten:
- Don’t suffer in silence, reach out to anyone, parents, older sister/brother, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin, Teachers, anyone. Tell someone what is going on and together make a plan of action.
- Make feeling better a priority – do one thing every day that makes you a bit different from yesterday.
- Write down your goals for the future. What small daily actions can you take to make these goals a reality?
- Exercise.
- Keep a supportive network around you.
- Music – listen to your favorite music.
- Socializing – don’t isolate yourself – make time for family and friends.
- Talk to your doctor if you need further support.
- Monitor your thinking – become aware of those times you dwell on the negatives in your life. It takes work and persistence to keep the negative thoughts away.
- Do something for someone else – giving creates a positive feeling. Feed the ducks or birds, a stray dog or cat. Do some voluntary work. Visit someone who might be having a tough time.
I can choose to be blind or I can choose to be visionary and I choose to be visionary – to show personal leadership. It takes courage to have limited sight and to go out and run in races because the risks of getting injured are higher. What I have learned from life is that courage has a ripple effect. Every time we choose courage we make those around us feel better and the world a bit braver.
There will always be people who want to see you fall and fail, they will try and break your spirit. NEVER allow them. Don’t allow yourself mindset rob you of a life worth living.
In February 2015, I gave a TedxDCU talk about bullying. You can watch it here.
I will be writing some more blog posts and next time I will discuss – the best way to deal with bullying in the workplace.
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