How to communicate with your teenager

Expect the Unexpected

Teenagers are a minefield of contradictions! Expect the unexpected at any time. Unpredictable, unreadable, often underestimated, self-centred, argumentative, controversial, challenging, hormonal, lovable (mostly) bundles of complexity!

That all sounds very negative, but change your perspective if that is what you are taking from my opening statement.

Mutual Respect

Teenagers and young adults are all individuals, with their own opinions, behaviours, strengths, values, abilities, possibilities – even their own language – bundles of potential joy. They are important people, not just a number or a uniform, no, real people that must be interacted with as such. As equal.

And that’s your starting place.

The Student Teaches The Teacher

As a Secondary School Teacher for years, I learned many a lesson from my Students.

I regularly reminded myself that each student sitting in front of me was somebody’s child, An important person. A young adult that has a right to an education. A young person that deserves to be treated with respect which will be returned with great gusto. Though they may have driven me nuts from time to time, looking and speaking to these wonderful human beings was a privilege.

I loved a bit of devilment. Ok, so I fully appreciate that the school rules are devised to keep everyone safe, but I was more of a believer that rules are meant to be flexible. So, if the more tricky students never followed a rule in their lives why would you expect them to suddenly obey every rule created by the school? Obviously rules do not work in the same way for everyone. Once the concept is more or less understood by the student, then why not bend the rules to fit the situation and get a better outcome.

I remember well when mobile phones (not so long ago) became the enemy of the classroom and the best friend of the teenager. Remember those classroom videos of the poor unsuspecting teacher floating around social media platforms that they hadn’t even heard about!? Consequently a blanket ban on mobile phones was introduced to schools.

This antagonised the students and sent a wave of relief into the teachers!
BUT had anyone thought of the educational benefits? Well I did!

Remember this was at the initial stage of the mobile phone.

So my more challenged students now had an opportunity to photograph the board and have all the lesson information and still get to their next class on time without the undue stress of trying to copy down the notes.

But as phones were banned….I had to have a student ‘on guard’ at the door!

Very funny in hindsight. So yes, the rule was there and yes the rule was relevant and important, but so too were those weaker students hence…bend the rule! We were a team. Both teacher and students in pursuit of the same common goal. Education. If that meant reshaping a rule, then so be it. That system of thinking worked for me both as a teacher and as a parent. And remember, to my own children I was both.

Experience cannot be underestimated and it can be communicated and shared with more  inexperienced teachers. For the success of the relationship between the student and the teacher, mentoring new members of staff is vital.

Understanding Your Teenager

Teenagers can be very direct with their language. So can you when communicating with them but you need to be more measured in your questioning. They will never tell you anything if they don’t trust you.

One sentence I used when necessary with my own teenage daughters when I was fuming with a behaviour of theirs was ‘I don’t always like your behaviour but I ALWAYS love you no matter what.’  This built a bridge between us. One daughter in particular thought she could tell me anything.

If you want to understand people with a different language, you will learn that language.

If we want to understand our teenagers, then we have to learn their language. Body language is pretty self-explanatory! The eye rolls, the snorts, the stares, the glares, the hurt expressions, the door slams, the accusing looks! Don’t forget the silly grins, the tentative approach, the shy smile and the unexpected sudden hugs.

Learn to speak Teenage and you will gain not only knowledge, understanding, and information, but also their respect. And so the road to communicating effectively is opened.

Try speaking directly to them. Trust that your young person will behave in an appropriate manner .

Here is some ‘Teenage’ to get you started! There is much more to learn, I’m breaking you in gently!

YOLO=You Only Live Once
TTYL=Talk To You Latter
LMAO=Laughing My Ass off
LOL=Laugh out loud (I foolishly got this one wrong myself thinking my beloved teenager was sharing the love.. Lots Of Love!)
FAM=Friends…no, it doesn’t actually mean family!! All the affection goes to the friends at this stage of life!
And MOST importantly….CODE9= Parents around.

So the next time you are sneakily peeping over their shoulder to read their latest text…you can understand a little (and they won’t know you do). Enjoy your own private smile!

SCORE:

Parent = 1         Teenager = 300

Well, it’s a start!