The pessimistic phrase “shit happens” is often seen as a mantra for the disaffected, the apathetic, the cynical. But shit does happen in life, sometimes a lot of shit. Life can often feel like it is just one shitty thing after another. And inevitably, when shit happens – a break up, a job loss, the landlord evicts you, the debt, the depressive episode, the craving, the loneliness, the snarky boss: someone will inevitably pat you on the shoulder and tell you that yes, shit happens… but it’s all about how you deal with it. Yeah, thanks for that useless piece of fridge magnet advice. Very helpful.
But – there’s something very important buried in that trite platitude. And it can be uncovered through the Buddhist metaphor of the ‘second arrow’.
The second arrow
The shitty thing – the event or situation in your life that’s making you feel bad: that’s the first arrow. That’s the triggering event – the reason why you feel bad, not ok, unsettled or upset.
As humans, we have a tendency to very quickly hunt for reasons as to why the shitty thing occurred – and more often than not, we tend to turn blame on ourselves. There’s something wrong with me, there’s something defective, I’m unlovable, not good enough, I’m falling short, I have failed somehow. And this – this self-blame, this turning inwards against oneself – this is the second arrow.
In Buddhist teachings, the parable of the second arrow goes as follows:
The Buddha once asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?” The student replied , “It is.” The Buddha then asked, “If the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?” The student replied again, “It is.” The Buddha then explained, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.
And while we can’t control our outside environment, we can, with practice, change this pattern of shooting a second arrow after the first. There are two very effective exercises which you can practice in order to circumvent this all-too-human response to life – firstly, noticing the pattern of the second arrow; secondly, practicing kindness to yourself when you see it.
1. Recognising the second arrow when you see it
First of all, we need to become aware of this pattern in ourselves. This sounds simple: it’s not. It does require a little practice – because the pattern of self-blame is pretty deeply ingrained in all of us. When we’re in the deep grip of it, it can be tricky to rise above it.
So try it out with something small first. You are on the motorway, and your car breaks down. And you’re sitting by the side of the road, waiting for AA, and you’re starting to spiral into second arrow territory. The pattern of thoughts might look like this:
“I should have gotten that service, but I never got around to it. I’m so bad at keeping up with that kind of stuff. I need to get better at looking after my stuff. If I hadn’t been so forgetful I could have gotten this seen to. Now I’m going to be late. And my boss is mad at me about missing the meeting last week when I was sick, and this isn’t exactly going to help. I’m really falling behind at work, I’m never going to end up getting a promotion at this rate.”
So you see, we’ve escalated rapidly through self-blame town and shot all the way into “I’m crap at my job”. We cycle so quickly from “this feels bad”, to “I’m bad”.
Next time this happens and you are in the grip of it, try and remember to spot the pattern. When I’m practising this, I sometimes quietly say “I see you, second arrow” to myself. Noticing it takes away so much of its power. Recognising that this is a pattern – this doesn’t represent reality, rather it is our faulty interpretation of it; is very cathartic.
Next time you miss the bus and start to give out to yourself for leaving late, just remind yourself – that’s the second arrow. Missing the bus is annoying enough, without blaming yourself for it, and creating more undue upset and distress.
Then, once you’ve practiced noticing this pattern with small things, it becomes easier when big things hit, when you suffer a more serious setback. When self-blame and turning anger or frustration inwards strikes, try and remember that this is the second arrow – this part of the suffering, anxiety or stress is something you can have control over.
2. Learning to be nicer to yourself
So once you notice the second arrow hurtling towards you, you can sit there and think “oh, look, there’s the second arrow, about to take my eye out”. While noticing it will certainly help take the sting out of its tail… it’s not enough. In order to really turn the power of the second arrow upside down, we’ve got to indulge in some self-compassion. Being sounder to yourself, in the way that you would be to a friend or loved one, is HARD. A useful way of doing trying to bring a bit more kindness to your own situation is to ask yourself: what would I say to my girlfriend/boyfriend/mother/son/best friend if they rang me and told me that this happened to them?
For example, if my sister phoned me and said she had her car stolen – would I beat her up about locking it, about fitting an alarm, about how she should never have parked there anyway; and find a way of calling her irresponsible and foolish? Of course not. I would feel terrible for her – I’d tell her how awful it was and how it was such bad luck – and reassure her that of course it was not her fault if she felt in any way responsible.
So – when I notice the second arrow, I ask myself: if this happened to my sister, what would I tell her? And then, I try to have that conversation with myself. I try to be nicer to myself. I tell myself that it’s going to be ok. I am kind to myself.
Sometimes, unsticking self-blame can be hard
When you are in the deep grip of a mental health crisis or period of anxiety or depression, this exercise can sometimes help to at least unstick some of the self-blame we can feel for our perceived deficiencies; the feeling that your anxiety is your fault, that your depression or your moods are something you are directly responsible for.
And the hardest bit is that this second arrow message that your mental illness is your fault is utterly pervasive in culture, too, – if only you exercised more and ate your bodyweight in spinach, and had a glass of milk before bed, you could magically cure your depression and insomnia! Talk about a recipe for loads more self-blame.
However, bringing some form of compassion to yourself when in the depths of that can be really hard and might be something you may need help with – because sometimes you can’t think your way out of self-blame and self-loathing. Sometimes it’s incredibly deeply ingrained, and trying to think your way out of it becomes more fuel for self-blame when you find you can’t. So if you are finding it too hard to bring any compassion to your life whatsoever, it might be worth reaching out to a therapist or your doctor.
More often than not, noticing this pattern and bringing more kindness to yourself can really help. It helps reframe what is happening. It reminds us that the shitty situation not about me or my failures. And most importantly, it reminds me that these thoughts are so common, that everyone has them, and that it is a normal and everyday part of being human.
Help information
If you need help please talk to friends, family, a GP, therapist or one of the free confidential helpline services. For a full list of national mental health services see yourmentalhealth.ie.
- Samaritans on their free confidential 24/7 helpline on 116-123, by emailing jo@samaritans.ie
- Pieta House National Suicide Helpline 1800 247 247 or email mary@pieta.ie – (suicide prevention, self-harm, bereavement) or text HELP to 51444 (standard message rates apply)
- Aware 1800 80 48 48 (depression, anxiety)
If living in Ireland you can find accredited therapists in your area here:
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