Facing into Christmas after losing a loved one?

It’ll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold.....

The words of Mud, once a classic eighties song but now a devastating reminder during the Christmas season of that empty seat at the table, the lack of gifts under the tree and that one person who you used to spend the day with laughing, bickering, eating and drinking.

For most, the festive season is about family coming together, extreme happiness and delight on everyone’s faces as they tear into presents, eat until they cannot move and lie around the TV watching hours of seasonal movies.

Sadly, when you lose someone you love, that all changes in an instant.

This time of year brings with it, the exact opposite. And while you can fall into a lonely and despairing trap, there are some ways in which you can honour, respect and share the special day with your loved one.

While decorating a house with lights and tinsel can be extremely painful, it can in some way help. For example, my late brother Marcus adored Christmas time and he used to decorate the house. After his passing I couldn’t bare the sight of a tree and Santa but then I remembered how much he loved it so we did the opposite and put lights everywhere. Inside and outside, we decorated windows and trees so the house looked like Santa’s grotto. Although a sad occasion, the decorations had a way of making me smile because I knew it is what he would have liked.

So if you are feeling extra lonely, turn the house into a winter wonderland. Get a special star for the top of the tree in memory of your loved one and let it shine bright across your home. Or get a candle in memory of them and light it while you prepare the dinner, have it on the table as you eat and let it cast light onto the darkness as you all gather together in the evening. Put your favourite photograph of your loved one into a festive frame and place it on the mantelpiece alongside the stockings. Just because they aren’t there in body does not meant they are not there in spirit.

Christmas season brings with it lights, laughter, songs and a lot of festive events. They can be difficult to face up to but it is merely impossible to avoid it. Walking into any shop you will be greeted with an ocean of decorations and all the classic hits blaring out over the intercom. Before entering take a deep breath and remind yourself what is ahead and remember it is just another day and it will pass.

Invites to parties will be flying in the door and while it can seem too difficult to get dressed up and enjoy a night out, it can offer some comfort. Your loved one doesn’t want you to stop living your life just because they are no longer living theirs. In fact, they would prefer you to get on with your life, it doesn’t mean you love them any less or don’t think about them. It can add comfort to catch up with old and new friends. Often times, you meet like-minded people at events, even those who have lost loved ones before you. They can offer you solace and empathise with you.

You may experience guilt for having a good time, or in a moment of laughter, but that is part of the grieving process. It’s okay for you to feel it all. Try your best not to let the guilt ruin a potentially enjoyable time. Hold a toast for your loved one and let them know you are doing it for them.

The Christmas songs can be the most difficult and harrowing because everyone has their favourite, as did your loved one. My brother’s was Fairytale of New York and my Dad’s Frank Sinatra so you can imagine how hard they are to avoid. Instead of feeling sad when I hear them I take them as a sign. A hello or a simple gesture, letting me know they are with me.

So when you hear that song, remember it is a sign, listen to it, feel the emotion, let it out, and sing along. And if you are at home turn up the volume and dance around the room.

I can tell you it will be a sad day as will the Christmas after that and maybe after that again but you have to remember that your loved one wants you to enjoy it as much as possible. Tell stories, leave their seat empty, let them sit with you all, talk to them, talk about them, cry, be sad, be happy, laugh, watch their favourite movie, listen to that song, cry some more. They are by your side, they are listening, they are with you – just in a different way.