Picture this, you’re on a first date, it’s just you and your companion, you have both survived the initial first moments, shared some funny stories and everything seems to be going swimmingly. You feel some butterflies, and then it arrives, the stock question, ‘so why are you still single?’
It’s a question that perhaps we have asked others and have been asked many times. However sometimes it feels more difficult to answer. We might over share, or deflect with humour or perhaps feel shame. Shame is an emotion that we struggle to recognise as it often lurks under the feelings of anxiety, disappointment or regret, which we push away. From Hollywood, to pop songs to loves lonely offices, being in a couple is part of the narrative and when it doesn’t happen, we may feel it’s our fault, we are not enough, shaming ourselves and interpret that others may be shaming us too.
Compassionately allowing ourselves to feel and share these feelings is the antidote to shame. The author Bréne Brown and Mindfulness Self Compassion teacher Kristin Neff are two leading lights in this discussion.
Part of our challenges in social interactions is that we are constantly making judgements, comparisons and evaluations during our experiences. We believe what we think or feel and sometimes with very little information to go on. This can impact on our ability to create the conditions where connections can occur beyond the immediate, where both parties can reveal and discover their different qualities.
What can be helpful is a cultivating a mindful approach to stay present and recognise our tendency to judge too quickly thereby allowing ourselves to slow down and re-connect with the moment to moment experience of sharing a conversation with another human being, just for its own innate value. This is not to deny the importance of trusting our intuition where we feel a situation or somebody does not feel safe. Afterall our judging thoughts are also there to protect us and keep us safe. I’m referring to judging people more automatically, and before we know anything about them.
Meditation teacher Larry Rosenberg invites us to show up, be present, speak our truth and really listen, and then to let go as the path to communicate more mindfully. These are not techniques or tricks and require us to have courage. As human beings we have always struggled with relationships and connection. Parts of our minds are more interested in survival and self protection than romance.
The art of revealing ourselves and getting to know another is a delicate dance and we often prefer to hide our shortcomings. Alain de Botton the founder of the school of life suggests asking questions that share and reveal our flaws such as how are you crazy? And sharing I’m crazy like this.
What has changed drastically in the last 20 years is our social environment and the way that we interact, the fast pace of life, our over identification with work, technology and the erosion of conversation and social spaces. The work of Sherry Turkle highlights this impact on everyday relationships and is both heart-breaking and a warning to our future. Our dating worlds are part of this changing ecosystem that goes beyond the self, it isn’t all down to the individual, success or failure, whether that means being married, single or divorced. The illusion of choice, the loss of conversation and the disconnection from body and mind are not just problems in modern dating but in modern life.
Dating sites can provide a way for busy people to meet, which is great, however it also offers a way to avoid face to face rejection, the need to emotionally regulate and communicate in the moment, these are all crucial relationship skills. They can create a way to put ourselves out there and yet hide at the same time.
Have you ever wondered, how swiping past lots of people may impact on us, in terms of empathy, curiosity and what and who we find attractive? Beauty and appreciation take time to witness and fully take in, however we may have moved on. Do we just turn these qualities on and off for those deemed immediately visually deserving? At a recent wedding the Bride shared a story of meeting her husband, “I would never have met him online, I would not have seen him”.
The world of dating appears to desperately need more compassion, mindfulness and reflection. It may be one of the most important and unfilled areas of people lives and yet we approach it like shopping or a game. We must remind ourselves that we are just beginning to date and still trying to work it out in an ever changing world.
The poet Derek Walcott in “love after love” speaks of the importance of the relationship with oneself, to “love again the stranger who was yourself. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart”. Perhaps we need to mindfully date ourselves first, to connect in order to strengthen our capacity to connect with another. We struggle with this and so do others.
Places to start:
- A helpfulmeditation to start with is the Loving Kindness practise (see a sample of Loving Kindness practice here and also check out Sharon Salzberg), where we bring feelings of warmth and kindness to ourselves, a friend, a neutral person and someone we have difficulty with.
- Explore if it’s possible to slow down and appreciate the qualities of others around you.
- If you’re feeling jaded, perhaps take a dating break,have an adventure, recharge and get to know yourself
- If your issues appeardeep rooted and you feel you’re repeating the same patterns over and over again then consider speaking to a Therapist, it could prove to be a lifelong turning point.
Peter Connolly Senior Occupational Therapist, Mindfulness trainer and founder of Lifestyle Awareness. Our next event is Back to Basics Saturday 25th March, 11am-5pm, Dublin 8, which will blend Mindfulness, reflective talks and fun activities. Contact via peter@lifestyleawareness.ie or on his website, Facebook and Twitter @lifestyleawirl
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