Had you asked me five years ago, while I was undertaking my training in clinical psychology, what compassion meant, I might have said that it meant giving yourself a night off or being kind to someone. Fast forward to 2016 and the word ‘compassion’ is everywhere, on my social media feed, on TV, and a word I use all the time in my working life. But what is compassion? And how can we incorporate it into our daily lives in a meaningful way?
Professor Paul Gilbert (2010) has written about the evolutionary nature of compassion. He discusses how compassion is an essential part of our survival system which helps us humans communicate, connect to each other and ultimately get our needs met. From birth, we learn via the compassionate acts of our caregivers, that we are cared about and thought about by others in our environment. (Just a note on this, while many people will have learnt compassion from their caregivers, many others will not have had this opportunity – through no fault of their own. For these people compassion may feel uncomfortable or frightening and they will have developed other ways to cope with the difficulties of life.)
Consider for a moment, the following. It’s 4am and a baby begins to cry. Within moments the baby’s mum, or dad, reaches into the cot and makes soothing noises. They gently lift the baby into their arms as they try to figure out what he or she needs. Is it food? A change of nappy? Is the baby too hot or too cold? The parent wants to resolve their child’s distress. This act, carried out by billions of people every day lays the foundation for our compassionate system, a system that we can return to as adults and use when we are having a bad day, week, month or year; a system which allows us to survive and to thrive with confidence.
Compassion is composed of many elements. These include wisdom, strength and kindness. Each of these elements help us to connect to others on the most basic level, that of “I am a human and I understand you.” They help us find the perseverance, courage and kindness needed to feel for another person in distress and soothe them or help them in some small or big way. These elements also function to help us reflect on our own suffering and to identify and meet our own needs. Indeed, the definition of compassion as proposed by the Dalai Lama is sensitivity to the suffering of self and others, with a deep commitment to try to relieve it”.
One of our tasks as we grow up is learning to navigate our world, which let’s face it can be unfair, hard and full of pain. Over time human beings have developed ways to cope with the pain and hardship of life. These ways can be thought of as our fight or flight mechanisms (In compassion focused therapy this is referred to as our threat system, Gilbert, 2010). These fight or flight emotions and associated behaviours help us protect ourselves when our environment becomes threatening. For example: I see a lion – I either throw my spear at it or run; or if I sense that my partner is angry at me, I could pick a fight with them or perhaps avoid going home. Although the stimulus (the lion, my partner’s anger) are different, (a) our bodies react the same way, pounding heart, butterflies in our tummy, the release of energy and (b) we employ broadly the same strategy; we attack or avoid the perceived threat.
As we grow older our threat system in its well-meaning way develops short cuts so that we can escape being confronted with pain or hurt. For example, if I was bullied in school by my classmates I might be slow to open up to new people; or if I made a mistake for which I was reprimanded I might become more cautious and take less risks. This happens in many instances because our brain operates on an act first, think later principal – this makes sense when you think about our evolution – the person who spent time deciding whether to run from that lion didn’t live too long!
These short cuts develop for reasons of survival rather than the resolution of suffering. In our modern world these strategies, while effective at reducing distress in the moment, can have unhelpful consequences because the threats we face are generally social in nature rather than life threatening. For example, if I do not talk to my partner then I cannot figure out why they are annoyed and the problem does not get resolved. Perhaps this causes me a sleepless night which goes on to impact my work the next day.
Or, if I avoid socialising because I am nervous or self-conscious my circle of friends and my enjoyment of major (and minor) life events may diminish. These avoidance patterns unchecked, can potentially lead to the development of unhelpful, long-term coping mechanisms which develop into a sort of autopilot, leading us to turn away from trying to understand why we are feeling upset or anxious or unhappy. None of this behaviour is my fault – or any of our faults – it’s just how it is. Despite it not being my fault I am the only person who can take responsibility for making changes.
Here’s where compassion can help. By applying the same compassionate care we received when we were small, or by learning new ways to care for ourselves if we were not given a blueprint to follow when we were small, we can open up our mind to alternative ways of coping with life. And when we learn to give ourselves compassion we can show others that compassion too. Our brain has the capacity to understand and reflect on our unhelpful patterns of behaviour and thinking and can empower us with the ability to take responsibility for our lives and to behave differently. I can reflect on my actions. I can reflect on what makes me sad or happy. I can accept when I need to change and I can accept that there are some things that I cannot change. I can take small steps to help myself feel better. I can make mistakes – we all do – and stop beating myself up about them.
In the short term we can cultivate a compassionate attitude towards ourselves by giving ourselves time to reflect. We can build it into our lives every day – perhaps by allowing ourselves a few moments each morning to check in on how we are feeling in this moment. Or perhaps facing down those tasks we’ve been putting off (for me this was looking at my budget) or building simple acts of reflective self-care into our daily routine. Self-care acts can include taking the time every evening to go for a walk; mindful colouring, yoga, sport, a few moments more in bed where we appreciate how warm and comforted we feel, going home rather than spending that extra half hour at work, or ringing someone you love. While these acts can be passed off as meaningless, if we think about them as meeting our needs – just like the caregivers did for the baby in my earlier example – they can start a ripple effect that feeds into our self-worth and self-efficacy and encourages us to take better care of ourselves. A properly employed compassionate system culminates in a whole body sense that “I am worth it”. Help yourself and take some time out. Five minutes can make a difference. You are worth it.
Gilbert, P. (2010). The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life’s Challenges. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications. ISBN 9781572248403.
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