Chrysalis

‘Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly’… Barbara Haines Howett.

How many people do you pass on a daily basis without the slightest inclination of what may be occurring in their lives? We couldn’t but know… We have all heard the phrase ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’…appearances can indeed be deceiving; every single human being you walk by has a story to tell.

When you’re born life hands you a deck of cards. All for you to play with and use free of charge. What’s the catch?  Some you’re ready for, others quite frankly you’re just not. We never know what actually lies around the corner. To just stop and reflect on this idea can be terrifying. There is so much out there that we can’t control. However trying as they may be at times, it is the experiences that trigger change and transformation within that enable the human soul to learn and essentially grow into the person they are destined to be…

Therefore to be your own best friend is unquestionably essential. In this life to make yourself a priority, to be your only constant is the greatest gift you can give yourself. This relationship with you ultimately equips and enables you to endure and appreciate there after the various dynamic experiences that life serves you. Don’t be afraid of letting yourself in. When you accept yourself exactly as you are and where you are, it is then you can change.

I could write for hours about sadness, frustration, and anger at the different ‘hands’ I have been dealt…or I could flip the focus to what it is I actually want to base this piece on. That is…the process of letting go. Letting go of that crutch, the unhealthy habit, thought pattern, behaviour, relationship or whatever it is, that you still use as a sense of security in your life unknowns to yourself.

For me I have been affiliated with the medical industry for years; going to consultants from as early as I can remember. Due to a shattered self-esteem and crippling shyness I started to see these appointments as some form of novel day out or privilege as it meant I got ‘special’ attention. Sounds quite manipulative but I can assure you; there isn’t one trace of such a trait in my body. These appointments were starting to fill a very lonely void within from years of feeling like the odd one out, the one that didn’t belong, social exclusion and a struggle to find my true identity and nurture my talents. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t the case that I wasn’t loved by my family (they couldn’t be more loving and adoring), it was more a case of my shattered self-esteem and need for approval. Both of which manifested into various illnesses over the years, until I was finally ready to face myself.

Hearing…you are…you have…or this means that…gave me a pass  on  releasing  the shackles of self-hatred I had placed  upon myself, that only got tighter and more restrictive over the years. Every visit, every review meant my identity was being formed around illness, pity and victimhood, rather than exploring who I was as a person, my entity, my being. Who is M? I never knew…All I would focus on was the outcome of the last appointment or the date and time of the next, all the while secretly fearing how I would cope if’ ‘x’ wasn’t the case anymore. Sounds absolutely crazy I know. There is an inherent sadness, loneliness and sense of desperation in such a state however.

I had let illness form a central part of my identity and convinced myself that I couldn’t be without it… I mean I never used it as an excuse. I just knew it was there as a backup. I never abused the system. I just paid into endlessly over the years.

What is absolutely astonishing is that only now am I realising that my journey through the medical industry over the past decade has ultimately been a search for me. I will never forget the day I got the ‘all clear’, the most happiest yet terrifying day of my life. Ultimately you start panicking with the good news…you start fearing what if…. what if it comes back, what if I can’t…what if I get carried away and start letting myself feel healthy and well…?At the same time you’re faced with a genuine fear of the ultimate question- who will I be when I don’t have this crutch?

It has taken me the majority of my life to believe that I DON’T NEED TO BE SICK TO BE LOVED AND THAT I AM INDEED WORTHY AS I AM, scars and all. At the age of 30 it has taken me …I don’t know 15-16 years to finally figure this out and perhaps just about ready to actually accept it.

So please don’t waste anymore of your precious time, let go of the crutch that doesn’t serve you, whatever that might be. Let go of the ideas, values, behaviours, thought patterns, relationships, habits or whatever it is that do not serve you or more importantly do not deserve to be formulated as part of your beautiful and true identity.

It is by no means an easy challenge, being both incredibly tough to acknowledge and accept such a state at first. But if we are really honest with ourselves, we know what it is we need to eliminate from our lives. As with all letting go a period of grief for that crutch will most likely ensue. Not any easy process by any means, but a process one must progress through all the same.

When faced with fear the quote ‘What if I fall? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?’ (Erin Hanson), always comes to my mind.

It is time to believe in the power of you. You can and you will. You can be you. Grant yourself permission to let go. Let go all that does not serve you. Let go and accept yourself as you are right now.