We at A Lust for Life have recently launched an online book club, and this month’s author is Dr Harry Barry. We spoke to him in advance of our online discussion tomorrow evening, at 7pm. We talked about his book, about the ‘age of anxiety’, and how we can use reading to help ourselves when we’re in emotional crisis.
1. What do you think the major mental health crisis of our current era is? Are we living in an age of anxiety? And why?
Answer: there is little doubt that anxiety is the major mental health challenge for this time with depression not far behind. I feel that the arrival of the smartphone, the obsession with social media and the lack of real emotional resilience skills together with the increasing stressors in our fast moving world are responsible.
2. You’ve talked about perfectionism, striving for success – do you think this is harming people? Is social media making it worse?
Answer: I absolutely agree that we are living in a world which only values success (whatever that is) and which foolishly promotes the concept of perfection which is of course a myth. Social media is built on a platform which rewards us if we present such images of ourselves but which of course are often ‘tweaked’ to make us look just amazing. The reality of course is that all of us look the same when we tumble out of bed in the morning – even the most glamorous of stars – a mess!!
We need to become more comfortable in our own skins and challenge such false perceptions. Young people in particular need to take the baton up here and ‘rewrite the script’.
3. What exactly is emotional resilience?
Answer: it relates to our emotional capacity to deal with the many slings and arrows that life sends us. Life is tough, unfair, full of discomfort and on occasions even cruel. We need to learn the relevant skills to deal with the many stressors sent our way.
4. The subheading of the book is “how to safeguard your mental health” – can emotional resilience make us mentally stronger/well? Can we safeguard against anxiety, depression by building mental fitness?
Answer: of course we can safeguard ourselves against anxiety and bouts of depression by becoming more resilient. We cannot banish these conditions from our lives but reduce both their incidence and learn to cope with them better if we develop emotional resilience.
5. Do you think resilience is something innate, or developed in childhood? Or is it something we can cultivate ourselves?
Answer: I feel it is something that all of us can learn, practice and pass on to others. Some of us through genes and upbringing may find resilience easier to learn but all of us can learn most of these skills within a 3 month period if we work hard at them.
6. Why are we so bad at coping with uncertainty?
Answer: because none of us like to feel that ‘life is out of our control’ so we regularly demand 100% certainty in many parts of our lives especially in big things because we foolishly believe that we can be 100% certain of all the little things. The reality is that life is and always will be out of control. The coin exercise in the book is a wonderful way to deal with uncertainty.
7. You’ve divided the book into personal, social and life resilience skills – tell us why you made this distinction?
Answer: this is because there are some skills which are personal to all of us and are very much how to manage the physical symptoms of anxiety such as panic attacks and phobias or perfectionism or how to accept ourselves unconditionally. Others are to do with our social world and how best to navigate our way through it with empathy and conversation skills for example. The ones dealing with life are the hard nosed reality of living in the real world such as how to deal with the unfairness of life or how to be more pragmatic or deal with stress.
8. This book is really practical and designed to help people to help themselves – tell us, have you seen bibliotherapy/self guided therapy work for people?
Answer: I feel really strongly that we are relying too much on the ‘experts’ and not drawing on our own inner skills and reserves. I feel that many just need ‘good’ information some skills and a willingness to change and a well designed book such as this can assist many to deal with many issues which arise in relation to their mental health.
9. How can parents use this book to help their kids develop emotional resilience?
Answer: absolutely. It is full of the skills that so many kids need to learn and practice before hitting the ‘real world’. We would not send a yacht out of the safety of the harbour into the raging seas of the ocean without training the crew how to deal with the challenges they would face. So too with kids and life.
10. Can building compassion and empathy help us to help ourselves?
Answer: empathy is one of the most wonderful skills to learn and practice. It is the door that opens the heart of another person to us. It allows us to sense where they are at emotionally. Compassion is often called ‘empathy in action’ as we sense the pain and difficulties of another which we have picked up through a positive empathy experience. The good news is that helping others in this way will hugely nourish our own mental health and wellbeing.
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