Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
We’re all familiar with The Golden Rule. It’s a great credo to live by, and its logic is sound: we should treat others the way that we would like to be treated. What goes around, comes around.
We can see the merit in treating others well, because we would like, in turn, to be treated well by others. But what if we changed The Golden Rule around a little bit – do unto yourself as you would do unto others? Would we be living our lives according to this doctrine? Chances are, probably not. Because we so often treat ourselves, and talk to ourselves, in a way that we would never think acceptable to treat or talk to another human being.
Think about those times when things go “wrong”. When you forget something, make a mistake, or maybe when you do something that just isn’t 100% perfect. And think about the kind of things that you might be saying to yourself when this happens – things that, eventually, you might start to believe about yourself, and even build into your own self-concept.
Maybe you’re telling yourself that you never get things right, that you are stupid, that you are a failure. It may sound dramatic, but this can become part of our inner dialogue – it can give rise to an inner critic that, when given more and more air-time, becomes louder and louder, and soon enough drowns out the more balanced voice of reality – a voice which could be telling you that you are able to do this, that you have achieved things in the past, and that, no matter what the outcome, you tried your best. Returning to our newly-adapted Golden Rule – could we imagine treating others how we treat ourselves, telling them that they are stupid and a failure? Again, for the majority of people, probably not. This is where self-compassion – or self-acceptance, self-understanding, self-kindness, whatever you want to call it – comes in.
According to Kristin Neff, who has done a substantial amount of research in this area, self-compassion requires being kind and understanding towards oneself when confronted with personal inadequacies or shortcomings, rather than being self-judgemental and self-critical.
Having self-compassion might sound easy, but it can actually be quite a difficult thing to do, especially if you are used to jumping straight to the self-critical thoughts when things don’t quite go as planned. So how might a self-compassion novice go about being kinder to themselves?
1. Remind yourself that no-one is perfect
Yes, it is a saying that we have heard so many times that it has likely lost all meaning, but it is true! We are all human beings, and that necessarily means that we are all flawed, and that we all make mistakes from time to time. So instead of striving to reach perfection, and setting yourself an unreachable target, accept (and have some comfort in) the fact that no-one – including yourself – should expect you to be perfect. And remember, you can still be amazing/wonderful/excellent at something, and you can still achieve greatness, without being perfect. So it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t work hard in life to be the best that you can be – it’s about doing your best, and knowing that you might make mistakes sometimes, but also knowing that this is okay.
2. Remind yourself of your achievements and positive qualities
We’re not used to sitting down and telling ourselves how great we are – possibly out of fear of coming across big-headed or narcissistic, possibly because we find it a bit cringe-worthy. But everyone has admirable qualities, and everyone has accomplished something in their life – and it’s okay to be proud of this. If you’re struggling to identify what these qualities and achievements are, maybe imagine what a good friend/family member/partner might say about you. And just have a go at reminding yourself of these things, and see if it can take away some of the power of that inner critic. Which ties in with the next point…
3. Acknowledge the inner critic
This involves taking stock of those times when you are engaging in a lot of negative self-talk. It may be hard to actually notice when you do this, as you may be so used to it – used to the negative, critical autopilot driving your thought process. But really try and take note of when this happens – write it down, even, and ask yourself, what’s the evidence that this is true? More importantly, ask yourself, what’s the evidence that this is NOT true? By acknowledging that this critical inner voice is just that – a voice, that does not necessarily represent reality – and by focusing on the things that you can do and have achieved, you can move towards a more balanced, realistic perspective of yourself and your abilities.
4. Meditate
Self-compassion is a vital element of mindful meditation. Mindfulness teaches us to accept thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, and to let them be. It is a skill that requires a lot of practice, but mindful meditation, with an emphasis on paying attention to what is happening for us in the present moment and accepting what is happening, can really help us to be more accepting of and compassionate towards ourselves.
These are just a few things to keep in mind, that might help you on your journey towards greater self-compassion and self-acceptance. Just like learning to play a sport or a musical instrument, self-compassion is a skill that takes practice and hard work, especially if a lot of bad habits need to be broken – so remember to be kind to yourself, if you are finding it hard to be kind to yourself!
Carl Jung said that “the most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely”. But what if we tried?
References
Neff, K. (2017). Self-Compassion. Retrieved from self-compassion.org
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