“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced” James Baldwin
When it comes to our mental health, physical health and societal health, we often wait for things to get too bad before we face them. And here we are again, being called to face racism. Facing this will scare and challenge us, but it also cradles the possibility of learning, connection and easing of suffering.
As a Clinical Psychologist and curious human, I have observed that avoidance and denial are two of the most common human coping mechanisms for dealing with pain. We do not deny or avoid pain because we intend to create more; we do it for survival because on the contrary, we do not want to feel pain. Why would we? As a society, we often do not welcome hurt with real compassion or genuine interest. Therefore, to protect ourselves from a seemingly dangerous world, we learn strategies of avoidance, denial, disconnect and numbing; methods to not feel. Unfortunately, research abundantly shows that these methods actually cause and sustain many of our mental health problems. Unfortunately, this human effort to protect ourselves might be one of the greatest downfalls in our psychological evolution.
However, there is hope, because not only does society shape us, but we can shape it. When we take responsibility for our own internal world, we can contribute to a shift in the external one, but it is hard work. Most worthwhile pursuits are. Turning towards our deep visceral discomfort is the route to transformation. It is a grave injustice to ourselves, as much as it is to society, to turn away from our own experience. Resmaa Menakem, author and trauma specialist, tells us you “have to get up against your own suffering’s edge before the transformation happens”. He highlights that the very nature of the white body is that it is used to hearing things which make it comfortable. I wonder what growth, change or meaningful relationship has ever happened without stepping outside of our comfort zone? Stepping, or even falling face-first into the unknown is essential for progress.
I have read that dwelling in the undefinable is an act of resistance. Indeed, we need many acts of resistance, and we must venture into unknown parts of ourselves. Dr Ibram X Kendi, New York author and historian, explains that the “heartbeat historically of racism has been denial” and that “the heartbeat of anti-racism is confession, admission, acknowledgement and the willingness to be vulnerable”. Kendi rejects the idea of ‘non-racism’ because it is impossible to not have had racist thoughts. We have been cooked and stewed for generations in a racist soup, how could we escape its flavour? For a long time, Ireland has fooled itself into thinking we could not be racist- this is something which happens far away in America. It is not, it is here and always was.
The truth of this is upsetting; we have heard many Irish stories recently about racism. I spoke to an incredible woman, Santis O’Garro, who was on RTÉ radio speaking about her social anxiety attributable to racism. She told us about verbal abuse on the Luas and people’s inaction. No one offered her comfort, let alone step in to stop it. She was afraid to tell her story in case there was a backlash. I find it deeply disturbing that she could be subjected to more suffering for speaking about her painful truth. She needs us to get uncomfortable, for her suffering to stop. And there are many black people, people of colour, and ethnic minority groups who are so utterly worn down by a society that has not been listening, that they may have stopped listening to themselves. We may never hear their stories, but the pain is there. If we are not blinded by our whiteness we will see it. If we make space for it, it will emerge and fill buckets.
However, we cannot be anti-racist from the comfort of our own home. It is not enough to be nice. Humans are complex and are in a state of flux. As Kendi highlights, we can be both racist and anti-racist at the same time. We can move between these positions. It is so very human to repeatedly lapse back into our old way of thinking or being. However, it is vital that when we stumble upon our racist thoughts that we do not fall into shame, which can strangle action, leading to paralysis, defensiveness and more avoidance. It is okay to get it wrong, once we are willing to engage with the issue again and again and again.
I was shaken when I began to fully engage with discussions about race and really listen to people’s stories. I was unsettled when I confronted concepts of white fragility and white supremacy. We are fragile because it hurts like hell to feel powerless and culpable all at once. And we have been raised as the so-called ‘supreme’ race whether we acknowledge it or not. I have attended diverse facilitated groups in London about conflict resolution, and in these conversations, racism always comes up, the apparent bedrock upon which everything else is layered. To stay present in these discussions, I have had to lean fully into my own discomfort: I remember sitting at the top of a room of almost one hundred people, telling three indomitable, intelligent and forgiving black women about a time when I was racist. It certainly would have been easier to hide and remind myself that ‘I am nice’. But if you look, you will find an example. Filled with dread, I told them of a time I was dating a Black man, who showed me a video of a Black comedian which I didn’t find funny. I concluded that he was amused because he too was Black. I racialised our difference, rather than, as I would if he was White, assume we just had different taste in comedy. To admit this out loud to these women was probably one of the hardest things I’ve done. I had to breathe, pause, stay present and breath again. It is the only way through pain, shame and guilt. But it is entirely worth it, both for our own personal transformation and as one tiny step, of many needed steps, in alleviating the isolation and loneliness that is far more painful for every Black person. When we accept a piece of our racism, we will take a small piece of the burden from those who are powerless, and reduce their isolation.
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