‘We are at a very important moment in the history of behaviour, and specifically in the history of male behaviour towards women.’ – Fintan O’ Toole, Irish Times, 31st Oct 2017
There is a sea change happening of late. Women have been stepping forward and taking up well deserved space to bravely give voice to their experience of being on the receiving end of abusive behaviour that is very far from okay. And by occupying this space, these women have had an impact.
One such impact is that the media has started paying attention to sexual violence. And how could they not with the power social media gives us all to make huge waves about what we each think? These behaviours being discussed, some of which are criminal, cause harm. This harm, thankfully, is also receiving attention.
Media coverage is focusing on issues such as defining the difference between sexual assault and sexual harassment, the issue of whether harassment can indeed be an assault on a person, even if that assault is not physical. The impact of sexually violent or sexually aggressive behaviour needs media discussion. It is a good thing that this has come on to the agenda because those perpetrators need to know that their behaviour is not okay and will not be tolerated.
Sexual harassment, and not just sexual violence, can result in high levels of psychological distress for individuals experiencing it. It can impact a person’s sense of themself, it can impact how safe or confident they feel in the world and it can affect their experience of relationships into the future. It’s not okay that this behaviour would ever go unchecked and so we can be glad that attention is being placed on the issue now.
Young people and the impact of this environment
There is a general agreement about the fact that what is happening in a society impacts on the ideas that each young person is forming – not just about the world around them but about how they wish to be in that world too. How a young person wishes to experience being male, how a young person wishes to be as a female, these ideas about identity and the ‘right’ way to behave are forming at an unconscious level for every young person.
Because this ‘working out their identity (either as a future man or future woman)’ is being worked out in the unconscious part of the mind, it is likely that the young person is not even aware that this ‘working out’ is even going on. Boys are most likely not thinking ‘How do I wish to be as a male, do I want to be dominant/gentle/aggressive?’ They are unlikely to be reflecting on questions such as ‘How do I want to treat people of the opposite sex?’
Therefore so it falls to us, the adults in the lives of these young people, to bring this into their consciousness. It falls to us to ask questions about what they think it might mean to be male or to be female. Questions about qualities that they think define their sexualtiy, questions about sexual violence and how it can come about; these questions are absolutely vital in today’s world and given the focus on the issue in the media at present particularly through the #MeToo hashtag it makes sense that we include young people in such conversations. It is what gives them space to develop and voice their views and that is a useful thing.
Pornography as part of their environment
One thing facing young people today that was not there for generations before is the ready access they have to the internet, their access to social media and often their access to porn too. This ready access to porn is having an impact on young people’s lives and their experience of and behaviour in sexual encounters.
Pornography can be the place where young teens (or pre-teens) get ideas about what way you ‘should’ behave in sexual encounters or ways to behave towards the opposite sex. And porn, while not being ‘real’ can be interpreted as real by young teens. They fall into the trap of using it as a guide and what they can learn from it, (and the learning is on an unconscious level), is that to be aggressive and disregarding of consent is ‘normal’.
I saw a teenage girl for therapy recently. She was not aware until her GP questioned the many bruises on her thighs, that being bruised during sexual encounters with boys was not something she had to tolerate. I met a young teenage boy in therapy. He genuinely believed that it was okay to have shared a video he took in secret of a girl performing a sexual act with his friend. Did this boy watch porn? Yes. Did the boys who left the girl with bruises? Yes, they did too. She knew that because they told her about it. She knew that the sex in the porn they viewed was aggressive. She didn’t feel safe in those encounters.
Porn gives no clear messages about consent and as it does not, young people can be left confused or misinformed about the importance of the issue. Porn objectifies and the impact of this can be that it affects body image and makes girls and boys feel under pressure about their body shape. It also robs those who objectify others of the chance to experience real sexual intimacy and that is also an experience that can cause harm to mental health.
When I read Fintan O’ Toole’s article about what he witnessed on the Luas line where ‘a gang of seven lads’ spotted two girls, ‘moved in on them’ and harassed them with their words and actions, what struck me was how ordinary these boys seemed to be. They were not, it seemed to me, in any way setting out to be predatory. And yet, in their behaviour, as Fintan stated, ‘it looked like a pack cornering their prey.’
So what can we do? How can we intervene to support young boys to grow into mature men who know the value of sexual intimacy and know too how to treat their partner with respect? How can we support young girls to grow into mature woman who too know the true value of sexual intimacy and can experience that in a way that is nourishing for them? We need to invite our young boys and also girls into conversations about the sea change that is happening right now. We need to encourage them to step forward and own a space, a space where they can figure out their own view consciously.
If we don’t create a space to have conscious conversations with our youth or support them to create their own conscious spaces to make sense of what is going on then global media reports of sexual violence, social media and the pornography industry may fill in the gaps. Our youth deserve better. We need to talk to them about sexual violence, about porn and about how they can cultivate a healthy sexual landscape in their own lives and the lives of their peers.
If you have been affected by sexual violence please phone the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre National 24-Hour Helpline 1800 77 8888 or contact Rape Crises Network Ireland.