It was April 8th 1994, I still remember with such vividness the news that one of my musical heroes was gone. Kurt Cobain influenced the lives of so many teenagers of my generation. Nirvana’s music translated often what young teenagers at the time couldn’t put into words.
I could not find the words when I heard the news that he had died. I was so confused, I was so troubled by it, I was so fucking scared. I could sense that many of my classmates felt the same. Most of us had never even heard the word suicide before. In the midst of this collective fear I asked one of our teachers why this happened. He coldly retorted by referring to our hero as a coward and a sinner. I will never forget these words. They haunted me for months.
Indeed, the fact that suicide was viewed as a cardinal sin by the church was early evidence to my already cynical beliefs about the paradoxical approach the institutions had when it came to empathy. Pick n mix empathy at best, that goes against the actual Christian values and morals many hold so dear.
Reading Patsy McGarry’s piece this week in the Irish Times, I felt teleported back in time to that classroom. To that time in Irish society where silence suffocated families, communities, and society. I had to stop for a few minutes after reading it to truly analyse the prevailing emotion it ignited. In these times I often revert to Viktor Frankl’s words:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”.
It would be very easy for me to immediately attack this article, to declare outrage and disdain. But I made a decision to try to look at this and respond in a different way. In order for me to comprehend the piece, I had to attempt to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. I made this promise to myself after a long and often tumultuous journey with my own mind.
The views shared in this piece illustrate our habitual conditioning that hasn’t and probably won’t go away in Ireland for a long time. These attitudes are ingrained deep in the conscious of many people. Not because they are bad people, but because of a stubborn stigma that continues to attempt to hold on in a society that has moved on. That has had to move on.
If I am being honest, I took far more encouragement by the vast majority of people who denounced this. Who simply weren’t having it. And from the Irish Times editors making a call to remove the piece altogether after listening to criticisms – a brave move and not a decision taken lightly. The backlash against the piece is a sign of societal progression and one that is important to recognise for what it is. It certainly wouldn’t have been the reaction in 1994.
However, it’s also important that Patsy perhaps looks at the situation from the opposing view too.
He speaks of empathy like it’s a competition. Like it can only be applied to one side. HIs binary views on suicide represent a lack of empathy. Suicide is so complex, layered and nuanced. Over the last 5-6 years I have worked closely with many incredibly well-versed and passionate psychologists in the area and I myself chose to go back to study to get a far deeper comprehension of the human condition in this deeply complicated world we live in.
He suggests if he had the power he would make it compulsory that anyone contemplating suicide should attend a memorial event of families bereaved by suicide. Perhaps, if he sat in a waiting room with a helpless mother being told that her deeply distressed teenage daughter won’t receive help for 12-15 months. Perhaps, if he witnessed a suicidal man being turned away from hospital because he also struggled with addiction, perhaps if he sat with the people who have studied this area and dedicated their lives to trying to help people in this level of darkness, he may have a different view.
I have been exposed to many of these stories since founding A Lust for Life. They overwhelm me. I am often not too sure how to even talk about it. I have immersed myself in attempting to understand it at many different levels yet I still struggle to figure out how we can do better. However, one thing I am absolutely certain about is that somebody in that level of darkness, who simply can’t endure the pain anymore, who has fought and can’t seem to stop these relentless attacks on their minds, they deserve empathy not judgement, not punishment. Their families deserve support, love, and empathy too.
It’s important we talk about this. Hold progressive and respectful discussions. The only way we can move society forward is through civil dialogue.
One thing I know for sure is, we will not go backwards. We will not go back to 1994 where a frightened young teenager sat in a classroom feeling isolated and confused, and we can’t let draconian opinions like this slip past without accountability, scrutiny and discussion. We won’t go back to a time when our national paper of record will publish a piece like this with absolutely no blow back.
Kurt Cobain sang “something in the way”…. I often imagined that ‘something’ was this spectre of stigma that stands in the way of so many people who need and want to ask for help. But they can’t, and don’t. Its our collective responsibility to keep shifting the stigma, to move it out of people’s way, in order to truly change things. After all, that collective response is the only way progress can prevail.
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