After suffering decades of medication-resistant depression, one morning in 2013, at the age of 65, my mother woke up in a manic state and called to tell me there had been a miracle during the night because she could dance, sing and touch her toes. Later that afternoon she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
In the six years since then, her moods have cycled rapidly from mania to hypomania to depression, to mixed episodes (that have qualities of each) and indeed to level states where there are no symptoms present at all. These moods can last for days, weeks or months, can change without warning and follow no obvious pattern.
Three years ago she asked me if I would consider writing a play investigating the condition and at first I was unsure. Our experience of bipolar is certainly not everyone’s. I hated the idea that someone affected would come to a theatre hoping to see themselves reflected in the work and, when they didn’t, might leave feeling even more alienated and alone.
Then, in December 2016, I got a phone call from J.P. Swain, co-founder of First Fortnight Festival, inviting me to be part of a panel discussion after a film they were screening as part of that year’s festival called Infinitely Polar Bear. Written and directed by Maya Forbes, the film is a retelling of her childhood growing up with a bipolar father.
I was flattered to be asked and excited to see a depiction of someone else’s experience of a bipolar parent. I was hoping to relate to it, but I didn’t. The bipolar in the film was characterised by highs – an aspect of my mother’s illness that I usually find the easiest to deal with – with very little mention of the grinding, gut-wrenching lows. I felt more certain than ever that I should never try to write about my own experiences.
On the day of the screening, I travelled to the IFI in Dublin, and watched the film in a packed theatre. I was surprised that when the film was over the vast majority of the 300+ audience stayed in their seats for the panel discussion but it soon became clear why they had. The need in the room was palpable. The need to talk, listen, share, learn, question, be understood and the perfect space had been created to do just that. Many of us in the room had different experiences of bipolar disorder to those of the characters in the film, but that didn’t matter. That wasn’t the point.
It was a very powerful learning experience that in many ways I think gave me the courage to consider starting work on In Two Minds. It helped me to understand that what I write doesn’t have to reflect everyone’s experience to be helpful. Saying that something is different can be just as valid as saying that it is the same, but more important altogether I realised is that the conversation takes place at all.
I made the decision to go ahead and have spent the past 18 months researching and developing the show; initially with my mother as we worked together to explore and document her moods and our experiences of the condition ahead of a work in progress performance of the show in Limerick last January.
This year, I expanded the research process to include the experiences of others and ran a series of focus groups with other families and individuals affected by bipolar disorder. It was an incredible privilege to hear participants share their deep knowledge and insights with so much honesty and humour and their contributions have had a powerful impact on the work in ways I could have never anticipated.
I was also delighted to be invited to present the findings of my research at the annual winter conference of the College of Psychiatrists of Ireland in November. That was a really valuable opportunity to connect healthcare professionals not only with the project but with the realities of the lived experience of bipolar disorder for individuals and families in Ireland. As an artist it’s very exciting to have those kinds of opportunities within the creative process to affect meaningful change.
I’m also very lucky to be collaborating with an outstanding team of theatre artists and designers over the past few months who are working with me to explore ways to create a vivid and visceral portrayal of the charms and challenges of the bipolar experience for audiences. I’m very excited to share a snapshot of what we’ve been working on with the public now and it’s very fitting that it be happening again as part of First Fortnight, a festival that has been such a great supporter of me and of the project from the outset and a great home for the development of art in mental health contexts.
A work in progress performance of In Two Minds by Joanne Ryan takes place in Smock Alley Theatre, Dublin on Saturday January 12th at 3pm as part of First Fortnight and will be followed by a panel discussion. Tickets are Pay What You Can and available here: firstfortnight.ie/events/in-two-minds
In Two Minds was originally commissioned by Belltable:Connect and this development phase is funded by The Arts Council, Limerick County Council, Community Foundation for Ireland and The JP McManus Benevolent Fund.
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