Scared and frightened, suffering a loss of confidence and self-esteem, desperately needing support and unable to ask for help. Maybe some of the feelings and thoughts that are associated with people who experience domestic abuse. In the majority of situations it is women who experience domestic abuse although domestic abuse against men is on the increase. For the purposes of this article I wish to explore briefly the causes, effects and the silence of domestic abuse. According to Ireland’s Women’s Aid organisation ‘domestic abuse is where one person uses abuse to control and assert power over their partner in an intimate relationship. It can be physical, emotional, sexual or financial abuse’.
1 in 7 women in Ireland compared to 1 in 17 men experience severe domestic violence. Women are over twice as likely as men to have experienced severe physical abuse, seven times more likely to have experienced sexual abuse, and are more likely to experience serious injuries than men. (National Crime Council and ESRI, Domestic Abuse of Women and Men in Ireland, 2005). Another major factor is emotional abuse. When you examine figures issued by SAFE Ireland in 2014 it makes stark reading. During 2014 a total of 440,000 women experienced severe psychological violence from a male partner. Incredibly around 79% of women in Ireland never disclose their experience of serious physical or sexual violence by a partner to anyone. (1)
Some men’s idea of a relationship is that the man should exert control and power over their partner. In some cases this extends to manipulating their partner’s thoughts and feelings to the point where the woman may feel she is the problem. Unfortunately these men do not recognise the relationships as abusive. The men in most cases have experienced dysfunctional relationships themselves or have witnessed or experienced abuse mainly during their childhood. This is no excuse for continuing the cycle and such men need to be encouraged to seek the necessary help and support.
In some cases there is a lack of self-awareness and they refuse help even when it is offered or suggested. Therefore women need to be protected and supported when they seek assistance. This is the difficult piece. Sometimes families and friends do not offer support or fail to understand the seriousness of the abuse and might indeed offer helpful advice such as ‘you need to carry on for the sake of the children’. When the police are called to a domestic abuse situation it is not always handled in a professional or ethical manner much to the horror of the victim. My view is more specialised training is required for Gardaí to deal with both male and female abuse situations.
The court system can be equally a frightening and lonely journey for women attempting to acquire safety orders, maintenance payments etc. Lack of finance, moving home, no alternative accommodation, lack of support and a whole raft of additional issues can make it difficult to talk about the domestic abuse or to make the big decision to leave the relationship particularly if there are children involved. It can also have mental health implications such as anxiety and/or depression for people who have experienced domestic abuse. In some cases it may lead to a person to abuse alcohol or drugs. Children may suffer if they witness domestic abuse and it may cause life-long difficulties for them that are extremely difficult to heal.
It seems to me that in a lot of cases the odds are stacked against women particularly if the lady concerned has little or no access to supports and/or independent finance. I believe we need to speak more openly about this issue in society and at the very least acknowledge what a big issue this is. I was struck by an interview I heard in 2016 by Linda Grey (who played Sue Ellen in Dallas) who told the story of her unhappy marriage and how it took her 21 years to leave. Now if a successful and famous actress found it that difficult it might just give us some insight into how challenging the average person finds it to cope in similar circumstances.
It would certainly be more helpful (although also acknowledging how incredibly difficult this is if someone is in fear), if more ladies could speak out on this issue. I think more legal and financial support needs to be in place to support women who are experiencing domestic abuse. As importantly it is necessary for men to condemn such behaviours and to ensure that equality in relationships is something that all right minded individuals must support.
For women who experience domestic abuse it is important they confide in someone they trust. There can be safety implications involved and these need to be considered and safety plans put in place. There are a number of organisations who can offer support that include Safe Ireland and Women’s Aid. For any men suffering from domestic abuse, the organisation AMEN can be of help.
References
(1) oireachtasdebates.oireachtas.ie
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