I’m 17 and have struggled with anxiety since first year. I was always a bit of a worrier, but in first year panic attacks and anxiety completely took over my life.
When I was 14, I was completely honest with my parents. I was always very open with mam and dad but sugar coated my anxiety because I didn’t want to worry them even though I never questioned their support. I went to counselling and eventually started on medication. Nothing seemed to help and I became depressed. Soon I started to have serious thoughts of self-harm but was always able to resist the urge, I was terrified and ashamed of these thoughts, and it took me 3 months to speak to my parents about it.
The thoughts became louder and harder to repress. On the 22nd November I unfortunately started self-harming. I didn’t fully comprehend what I was doing until my brother knocked on the door to come in. I was terrified he’d sense what I had done. The last thing I’d ever want is my brother to know how much I was struggling. That night I went to dad and told him what I had done, he didn’t act shocked and he wasn’t angry with me. I had never felt such guilt and self-loathing in my life and that’s always been the case. Whenever I cut I loathe myself and the guilt eats away at me for days.
Telling mam with dad was devastating and brought on a panic attack, but I’m so grateful that I found the strength to confide in them. They’ve made everything so much easier I don’t know where I’d be without their unconditional support. I always try my best to fight the urge to cut as I hate upsetting my parents, they’re my biggest support but I crave it like I crave chocolate, sometimes I can resist the temptation but sometimes I can’t.
I blamed my anxiety on school for a long time but I have only recently discovered that it wasn’t school that made me anxious it was the pressure of being social, the uncertainty and not living up to the impossible standard I had set for myself. In 3rd year when I was at my lowest, I found myself cutting in the school library leaving me with 5 visible scars. I ended up leaving school for a year and a half after that and couldn’t even do my Junior Cert. But I was determined that I would go back in 5th year and I did.
A few weeks ago I went to the Kodaline concert with my group of friends. I was so determined to have a good day but I was terrified of what ‘could’ happen. The crowds were huge and completely threw me off. I ended up in the bathroom cutting to try to stop a panic attack as ‘Walking On Cars’ opened with their first few songs. Luckily I was wearing a hat and sunglasses so I could hide my tear stained face from everyone. Once we were in the crowd the panic attack came on full force. I kept my head down in hope of going unnoticed, strategically cutting my hand with my nail trying to stop the panic attack. Of course my friends noticed my gasping for breath and supportive as ever they helped me through it. Once the attack was over I was exhausted but decided I was not going to let my anxiety win, I was going to enjoy myself. Once ‘Walking On Cars’ had finished their set I was able to change my attitude and enjoy the music. I was so excited and proud of myself for getting through the panic attack and being able to let go and enjoy myself.
During Kodaline I got separated from my close group of friends and felt another panic attack coming on, luckily I was with a couple of girls from school that I was friendly with, they noticed me with my head hanging down in the throes of a panic attack. The girls were so supportive and got me out of the crowd helping me through the panic attack.
When this started I never thought that friends, family and peers could be so understanding and truly supportive, we don’t give people enough credit. Most are willing to help if we let them. I’m definitely not saying it’s easy, 90% of the time I have my guard up ready to lie through my teeth and put on an Oscar winning smile.
At the end of the day this is an illness, not a choice. This does not define me just like my scars do not define me but how I deal with this does. I define myself. I’ve met a lot of teenagers in the same position as myself and have been shocked by how many believe they can’t seek help because it’s nobody else’s problem. This notion is ridiculous. You can be the strongest person in the world but nobody can get through this hell alone. If you are struggling people talk to someone you trust and get the help you need and deserve.
If you or someone you love is suffering with self harm, please get the support you deserve. Contact Pieta House.
Some very helpful information from SpunOut.ie on self harm here and on ReachOut.ie here.
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