Why I signed up for my first Ironman

Sometimes you have to test the relationship between your body and mind

Since I was a young teenager, sport and physical exercise has always been the foundation that most other endeavours in my life were built upon. It offered me so much solace when my anxiety was at its most unexplainably dominant, but it also allowed me appear outwardly normal to my peers. This, as a teenager living in an archaic society when it came to the dialogue around mental health, (composed of dangerous stereotypes of association to those affected), was some form of personal support during that period.

My relationship with sport altered dramatically when I became a professional athlete. The dynamic between playing sport for fun and playing sport as a career is an entirely different animal. Where once I used sport as some sort of antidote to my anxiety disorder, it quickly became something that added external pressures that I found incredibly difficult to cope with, especially when injury and other issues were introduced into the equation. This is unfortunately a situation many elite athletes face currently, as they still get lost in the shadows of a slowly dissipating stigma, while trying to honour the perception that they are super-hero-like and emotionally invincible characters.

Retirement was inevitable, but readdressing and seeking that earlier relationship I had with sport was a lot more arduous that I expected. I felt team sport perhaps was not an ideal environment for me personally, as I was getting slightly drained from constantly playing the macho card and repressing my identity among my peers, but it certainly wasn’t an option to turn my back on sport completely as it still allowed me to regulate my stress levels and exercise an element of control over my anxiety.

Throughout my mid-twenties I experimented with various ways of keeping fit while also attempting to limit myself to situations that had a negative impact on my mind, all with varying degrees of success.

After many years of seeking, I stumbled upon a sport that immediately grabbed my attention, more to the fact that one of the disciplines of the sport scared the shite out of me. I had heard a lot online about the sport of triathlon which incorporates open water swimming, cycling and running but I always dismissed it as I refused to face the idea of swimming in open water, as it was a crippling phobia that made me shudder at the mere mention of it.

Part of my recovery was exercising and regaining an element of control over my mind, which therefore pushed me to the decision that I would face this phobia and no doubt overcome it. You can read an article I wrote on overcoming the phobia of swimming here if interested. I signed up for my first triathlon and from that day on, I knew I had found a sport that allowed me to rediscover the relationship I once had growing up. Alongside daily mental fitness and cognitive routines, I committed to building my holistic well-being, body and mind to further bolster my ever improving mind-set.

Setting challenges and goals can often let you find out so much about yourself, sometimes exposing weaknesses that can be worked on, but also discovering strengths you didn’t realise existed. What I initially loved about triathlon was the constant internal dialogue you had to have with your mind. It really is you against yourself, and because the disciplines and training isn’t done at a million miles an hour, like most power based sports like rugby and GAA, you can submerge yourself in the present moment.

One of my recovery techniques was to name and objectify my mental health illness, calling him ‘Jeffrey’ and having daily conversations with him, in order to try and understand him. For years we had a hostile relationship, full of conflict and pain, but this had changed dramatically. Through years of self-awareness, we became allies and got to respect each other.

During this period I took on many challenges that tested that relationship, tested the resilience of our bond and at every junction, it showed to be immensely elastic and tough, quite simply a million miles from our earlier relationship of volatility and fear. This alliance was not an easy one, and took huge commitment and support from those around me, but it was worth every second of sacrifice.

Before Christmas I found myself wondering how I could undertake a stress test like challenge to really assess this almost granite like relationship between my body and mind. I wanted to bring this inner dialogue between myself and ‘Jeffrey’ to a new level. Although I didn’t want to re-introduce pressure into my life when it came to sport, it was also important to recognise and honour that firework competitive character within me, only now the only competition that existed was the one I generated, one that I controlled.

The minute I finished my first sprint triathlon almost three years ago, I dreamed of completing a full Ironman, which was like the holy grail of endurance events, and a true test of resilience, resolve and physical fitness, but I never really could visualise myself being able to do one. Saying that, for years, I never really saw myself swimming in open water.

After speaking with my family and loved ones, I made the commitment to signing up to my first full Ironman. There were concerns no doubt. Along with my other commitments was I taking on too much considering I will have to train almost twenty-four hours a week, more than I would have done as a professional athlete? Was I putting too much pressure on myself both mentally and physically? Is my body capable of it after years of pretty extensive injuries?

Taking all these on board, myself and Jeffrey decided to commit to it.

Next August I will travel to the stunning city of Copenhagen to compete in my first full Ironman. A 4 km open water swim, a 180Km cycle followed by a marathon. Over the winter I will ask many questions of myself, of ‘Jeffrey’. I will test the resilience of our communion and no doubt face many obstacles along the way but this time I know how to cope with chaos, in fact I embrace it.

I can tell you one thing for certain, I feel privileged and blessed that I am now able to test this relationship rather than loathe it.